So you (barely) survived Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby and now it’s back to the real world. Life is hard. Luckily or unluckily, there’s a full moon this week which could fuck up your shit. Side note, when is your shit not fucked up? Thanks a lot, stars. This full moon probs won’t turn you into a werewolf or anything, but just how much is it going to mess with your life? Find out in your weekly horoscopes.
Aries
Actually, Aries, this isn’t going to be that bad of a week for you. Venus and Mercury are both in your sign along with Uranus, which usually means things are going to stay fun and light and you won’t get in a fight with your roommate or breakup with the boyfriend. Everything is pretty casual. By Friday, you even get a big energy boost. So, if you feel a little off by Wednesday, don’t worry. It’s probably just the full moon fucking with your shit. Carry on through the weekend and it’s smooth sailing ahead! Lucky bitch.
Taurus
You’ve got a lot of restless energy leading up to the full moon midweek. So if you feel like you need an extra dose of Ambien to sleep, you probably should just go ahead (as long as you have someone to monitor you and make sure you don’t do anything crazy when you sleepwalk, just sayin’). You’re riding the good vibes of your birthday, so don’t let the bastards get you down. Other signs are super agitated too because of the full moon so just block yourself off from anyone trying to start shit. “Ray Charles to the bullshit” should be your motto this week.
Gemini
The Sun has gone into hiding in your chart, so you’re pretty chill and more willing to be low-key. I mean, after a weekend of Cinco de Mayo followed by The Kentucky Derby, you and your liver could probably use a rest anyway. Wednesday’s full moon will affect you at work, so don’t get too down on yourself if you’re making stupid little mistakes when you usually are a rock star at your job. By Friday, you’ll be back at the top of your game.
Cancer
Okay so, it might not be the best week of your life, but it certainly won’t be the worst. Weirdly enough, if you’re a Cancer betch and doing some apartment hunting or looking to buy a house, first of all, good for you. Secondly, pulling the trigger on somewhere to live this week will bring good luck for as long as you live there. Score! The full moon could cause tension with your significant other, but it will all blow over by Friday.
Leo
Normally, you’re generally #blessed for being born a Leo. This week, you won’t be so lucky. Boo fucking hoo. The full moon will be particularly hard on you in multiple aspects of your life. Your social life will struggle to coexist with your career. Your love life with hit a rough patch as well. On Tuesday, all your travel plans will experience a mixup or delays. Fuck. But, like most of the other signs, things get a lot better as you make your way toward the weekend. So just try to find a way to cope until then—might we suggest happy hour?
Virgo
Generally, you stay pretty balanced. You can attribute that to all your green juice guzzling and yoga. This week, though, the full moon makes you a little more accident prone and apt to make stupid mistakes. Trade that kale smoothie for some extra caffeine as it’s super important you stay on your toes and mind what you say and do. Unintentionally offending someone with one of your generally really funny jokes could be majorly detrimental to someone important’s opinion of you.
Libra
A stupid argument could unintentionally escalate really quickly if you’re not careful on Tuesday. Blame that stupid fucking full moon for making everyone really crabby this week, including yourself. The stress of whatever went down at the beginning of the week is going to have you in the mood for vacation by Friday. Jupiter enters your sign by the weekend making you one of the luckiest signs. I mean, good for you because everyone else will be totally jealous.
Scorpio
Normally, you don’t totally hate your job, but the you-know-what this week will have you seriously wanting to throw in the towel. Keep calm and carry on; you probs need a job to not be a total povo who makes references from 2009. Things might be easier with a bottle of red wine on Wednesday when whatever situation you’re enduring is getting to be the worst. Things start to settle back to normal by Friday when you’re bitten by the party bug again. Your week is going to suck around Wednesday and get better by Friday? Groundbreaking.
Sagittarius
It’s kind of a tough time for you with Saturn in your sign. Sagittarius betches and Saturn don’t get along really. Who knew? Anyway, sure, the moon will fuck with your head on Wednesday. Most signs are dealing with that garbage. The good news for you, though, is that even though everyone else is on the struggle bus, your interactions are going to be generally pleasant. All friends will turn to you for sweet relief from everyone else who is acting totally shitty. You’re like, such a good friend.
Capricorn
Preparation will serve you well this week. Go to the grocery store and stock up on snacks and booze. Make sure your laundry is done and you have some clean undies. Something unexpected will pop up midweek, sparked by—what else?—the full mf moon. This unexpected inconvenience might make it hard for you to knock out your to-do list, so just make sure you have the basics totally covered. By Friday, the threat will have passed and you can pour yourself a drink to celebrate all weekend.
Aquarius
You might be a little more accident prone at the beginning of the week thanks to the full moon—you and Virgo can take turns driving the struggle bus—but luckily, that’s pretty much the biggest way it’s going to affect your life. You might just be spilling your non-fat latte because you’re lost in deep thought. This is a great week for you to build on some big ideas. Just hold off on pitching those ideas to anyone because most of the other signs will be in a shitty mood and not willing to help you along with your success. For best results, hold on to those plans for next week.
Pisces
Like with most signs, the full moon is going to make you more prone to getting in arguments with others as we make our way toward Wednesday. Even though the first of the week isn’t going so smoothly, you have a lot to be optimistic about. Like, things are actually starting to really go your way this year. Unlike all those Instagram thots, 2017 is actually your year. Um, fucking finally. Remember to keep the karma gods happy, though. What goes around definitely comes around.
