How To Recover From Your MDW Hangover: Your Weekly Horoscopes May 29-June 3

Three-day weekends are amazing; heading back to work after said three-day weekend is less amazing. In fact, it sucks. Is this your week to sleep your responsibilities away, or do you actually have to do shit? Are you permitted to finally snap at Deborah when she wishes you a “Happy Hump Day” for the 51st time, or do you have to grin and bear it lest you get fired? Find out the answers to less oddly specific made-up scenarios in our weekly horoscopes.


Thank god this is a short work week. The week will essentially fly by. You’ll be super busy with activities and all that fun start-of-summer shit you’ve been looking forward to all fucking winter. Your fast pace will kind of make you forget your lady-like manners, though. Boo fucking hoo. Just be aware that people might not think your quick wit and short temper are as charming as usual this week.


By the time you’re reading this, the shittiest part of your week will probably actually be over. Sunday was supposed to be your most difficult day, probably because your Friday/Saturday partying left you with a major Sunday hangover. The good thing, though, is that you don’t have to worry about a shitty Sunday ruining your week. You had Memorial Day to either reboot or continue your partying. You might as well take the rest of the week off because your brain is still totally on vacation.



This is a fucking great week for you. The Sun and Mars are in your sign, making you energetic, excited, happy and generally just in a wonderful mood. You’re super attractive to others, so I sure as hell hope you rocked that new summer/American flag bikini over the long weekend. You were bound to catch the eye of someone new. Even though you usually pull a Drake and live by the “No New Friends” motto; this week, opening up your inner circle will allow some much needed new blood into an otherwise stale social scene this summer.


After a fun, long weekend, you’re perfectly content to keep things low-key in the week ahead. In fact, things will actually come much easier to you because you aren’t trying, like, at all to make them happen. People, i.e., hot people will be attracted to you because you have such a chill vibe. You’ll seem like the perfect companion for summer fun. Likewise, staying calm at work while everyone else is either hungover or freaking out to meet deadlines on a short week will make your boss see you as having leadership skills or some shit. You’re basically the epitome of the sunglass-emoji right now.



Let’s face it, you had a weird moment with someone over the weekend. Don’t worry too much about it. By the time you get back to real life on Tuesday, most of the awkwardness should have blown over and you can go about your business as usual. By mid-week, you’ll totally be back to your normal, confident self and your competitive side may even come out a little bit. Look forward to another weekend of lawn darts and beer pong. The party isn’t really stopping anytime soon.


Something about you is just like, keeping everyone’s attention lately. In the week ahead, you’ll continue to be high visibility around your higher ups, so wear extra concealer at work so your boss doesn’t know you’re hungover AF. You might need an extra shot in your non-fat vanilla iced soy latte, but it’s only because you’re feeling extra ambitious during the short work week and not because you’re tired or worn down or anything shitty like that.



You’re craving adventure. You don’t particularly need a big vacation because you’re mostly relaxed and recharged from the long weekend, but you really need to get the lead out when it comes to your everyday scene. This is a good week for you to browse new job opportunities or start working toward that promotion. If it’s your personal life that’s feeling stale, maybe it’s time you consider un-cuffing yourself for the summer.


This week you’re Delta in the streets and United in the sheets! Your primary focus is getting all the shit on your plate taken care of. Work shit, household chores and checking in with your family to make sure they know you’re not dead will be the priority. But, behind the scenes, your sex drive is turned up to 11. The warmer weather has you wanting to take off your clothes and touch somebody else’s body. I mean, you do you. Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.

Mrs. George


You might have had a small tiff with a partner or close friend over the weekend, but everything will be right as rain by midweek. In fact, you’ll probably be on such good terms, you’re looking at making summer travel plans with this person. This is a great week for you to hit up those online travel deals and also shop for say, five more swimsuits. I mean, you deserve some R&R after such a long weekend, right? This coming weekend though, there’s a good surprise in store, so keep your head on a swivel for that shiz.


Basically, you’ve got the fever to clean and organize every aspect of your life this week. You might have missed the spring cleaning bug, but you’re really looking for a fresh and less-cluttered start right now. Like, Khloé Kardashian’s organizational pics are all up on your Pinterest boards making you want to color code fucking everything. Like, chill the fuck out, okay. Your stuff isn’t what’s making your life hectic, it’s some dead weight in the friendship or relationship department. If clearing your stuff out helps you clear you mind to get to the real issue, have at it, I guess.

Not Friends


The holiday weekend party isn’t stopping even if you have to go back to work on Tuesday or something stupid like that. It’s pretty much all good news in the week ahead. You’ll continue to be social and fun, the weird people you pity invite to your events won’t show up, and you’ll always get a text back. By the end of the week, your daily grind could get a shake up so just be on the lookout for that.


Sunday was kind of your roughest day this week, so if you made it through with a healthy dose of pool time and alcohol, the rest of your week should be super easy. Even if things seem a little depressing and bleak around you right now, just pop a Xanax and try to remain calm. There are a lot of really great things in store for you this summer and fall that involve shit you wouldn’t even imagine are possible right now.