As you probably know based off how fucking crazy this month has been already, Saturn, aka the hardass of the Solar System, is in retrograde. When Saturn is moving normally, it’s that bitchy voice in the back of your head that stops you from doing things like charging $300 worth of Korean skincare products to your company card, or to attend The Dud’s birthday event even though you know she’ll want to play board games and while drinking the one bottle of wine she bought for six people. Basically, Saturn forces you to be a good person, even when you’re dead inside. When Saturn is in retrograde, though, it means your whole decision making system is out of wack. Think that now is a good time to send your boss that list of grievances you’ve been compiling? Maybe wait until September for that. The one good thing about Saturn in retrograde is it can be a time for you to deal with the shit that’s been bothering you forever and clean house, whether it be by actually cleaning your house, or by deleting that fuckboy’s number from your phone. Basically, it is time to take out the trash, rather than accumulating a bunch of new shit you don’t need. Just practice this sentence: “Sorry, I can’t go out. Saturn is in retrograde and I don’t trust my ability to make sound decisions right now,” and you’ll be fine.
Aries
Thank god the drama of last week’s full moon has mostly passed. Enough of that shit, amirite? Anyway, your decision making abilities are prime this week. If you don’t have any, like, major life decisions to make in the week ahead, you can come up with something to pick, like a vacation or a date from Tinder. I mean, as far as that goes, good luck will come out of your wise and well-timed choices this week.
Taurus
You are empowered this week. Kind of like how Beyoncé’s twin fetuses are giving her the power to slay so hard, the Sun and Mercury in your sign are really bringing the good vibes your way. It’s a very good week for you to use your schmooze skills to advance your place in the world. Other people totally have things to offer you like cool event invites or jobs or shit like that. Impress people with your charm this week and totes reap the benefits soon.
Gemini
Your new year begins at your birthday. Fucking duh. That means in the time you’re dropping hints to others for how to plan your birthday celebration, you should also be thinking about what you want out of the year ahead. Do you want an actual boyfriend and not another fuckboy hookup? Do you want to land a new job? Would you rather move to a whole different city or country? Who the hell knows! The world is your oyster and all that cliché shit.
Cancer
You, unfortunately, are feeling a bit overwhelmed heading into the start of the week. That Sunday night mental freakout Is the real deal. Just chill and remember that you always get your shit done no matter how overwhelmed you feel on Monday morning. Likewise, your social goals are advancing this week. This might be the time your boy hints at a DTR or you are getting more invitations to social shit you may or may not be interested in. Careful of where you decide to give your fucks. Prioritizing is important.
Leo
The Sun continues to hang out at the top of your chart this week making you, once-a-fucking-gain, very high visibility. I mean, as a Leo, you’re pretty much used to getting a lot of attention, but this week it might seem overwhelming. Oh, poor you. Careful with all that attention, though—a misguided Instagram caption or an embarrassing tweet could get you attention for all the wrong reasons.Like, how stupid would it be to get fired because you tweeted a dumb joke? Pretty fucking embarrassing.
Virgo
The weather is bipolar and, like a bad boyfriend, it has you ready to ditch for somewhere more stable. Be on the lookout for sweet travel deals or just beg your dad to let you use his SkyMiles to take business class somewhere you can wear a bikini. Thanks daddy! If a vacation is just not an option right now, like because you have to work or something stupid, at least plan a weekend car trip or something. A change of scenery is just what you need to clear your mind and get refocused.
Libra
You might get the chance to live a childhood dream this week. Like, how random is that? As a Libra, you’re busy going through a transition in your life that might take years to complete. You’re busy becoming who you are, obvi. This transition will be complete by 2018, but if you’re feeling a little lost and directionless right now, that’s why.
Scorpio
The Sun has decided to hide in your chart for the next few weeks. Yes, no Sun in the chart means you’re going to be super tired and generally shitty feeling until it reappears. Take the nap time to really work on your dreams. Yes, that sounds like a lame Pinterest quote, but really, taking this time to map out a plan for your future in your head will help put you at ease about all the shit going on in your life. Also, this will make you feel a lot better about napping through all your plans this week.
Sagittarius
You’re focused AF in the week ahead. When people ask you about anything that isn’t work right now you probs don’t even really know how to respond since you haven’t had time to think about much else. Sure, that sounds super boring, but your career won’t cheat on you and all that, right? That’s a good way to look at it, probably. Anyway, take the weekend to treat. yo. self. If there’s ever a time you deserve a mani-pedi, it’s now.
Capricorn
Capricorn betches are lucky AF this week. Good times abound and you’re high energy—no venti non-fat iced vanilla latte needed. Like, you’ll still drink it but it’ll only take your energy level over the top. Whatever you’re working on this week is going to advance your reputation. As if you needed more street cred, but really. Use the boost in energy and the favor of others to tackle that to-do list you’ve been putting off. You’ll definitely get the help you need to finish your tasks, no strings attached.
Aquarius
Mother’s Day in the rear-view mirror has you focused on family and the future of yours. All the wedding and baby shower invites that are melding together in a big disappointing mural on your fridge has you worried about what your future holds. Like, chill TF out. It sounds like something stupid that a basic from high school shares on Facebook, but you need to remember that your timeline doesn’t need to follow everyone else’s. Just do you boo. Also, do you really want to be changing shitty diapers instead of enjoying a drunk brunch on Mother’s Day anytime soon anyway?
Pisces
You’ve gone through a pretty radical change recently and it has you questioning your entire world view. What you thought you wanted doesn’t actually seem all that appealing at the moment. As my favorite Victorian Era Writer/Dead GBF Oscar Wilde said: “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” Profound AF, right? Anyway, calm your shit about changing your plans. I mean, sometimes life just takes you in a direction your didn’t expect and you need to just go with it, for your own sanity.
