Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For October 27-29th

It is officially Scorpio season. For those of you who have no fucking clue what that means, it is basically a time of personal growth and discovery. Like, maybe for the whole year you’ve been growing out your hair in hopes of looking more like Ariana Grande, but now that we’re in Scorpio season you’re going to take a hard look in the mirror and realize that you’re never going to look like Ariana Grande (she’s too small) and a lob is way more you. Voilà. You’ve just been Scorpio’d. In honor of this season of growth, here are your very growth-focused weekend horoscopes, in haiku form because I’m too lazy to form paragraphs why tf not?


You’re horny as hell
That’s fine, but chill tf out
The dick will find you


You’re catching feelings
But beware of the red flags
He’s texting his ex


It’s get shit done time
You’re motivated as fuck
Don’t waste this good mood


Fuck all the haters
Nobody cares what they think
Get bangs if you want


It’s time to clean house
There’s no room for fake-ass friends
So leave the group chat


You’re like, a genius
All your ideas are lit
Don’t question your mind


Birthday month’s over
And so’s your birthday spending
Enjoy being broke


Your birthday is here
Time to get fucking nuts, betch
Decisions don’t count


You’re manic af
Time to calm your crazy mind
Try some cardio


You’re working too hard
You literally must chill
Time to hit the spa


Your eye’s on the prize
Don’t let the distractions in
Turn off your damn phone


Stop giving a fuck
Other people don’t know shit
Time to do you

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.