Put Down The Credit Card: Weekend Horoscopes May 15-17

Get ready for the second wave of ‘rona, you guys. With several states throwing open their doors, tossing guidelines to the wind, and allowing people wearing Ford hats and American flag t-shirts, and driving large trucks to “GET BACK TO WORK” and embrace their God-given freedom, we can all expect quarantine Part 2 in our near future.

Whether you’re part of the group heading out to crowded shopping malls or the group choosing to stay in and be socially responsible, the stars and planets are still f*cking with us.


Oh, what you wouldn’t give for drunk brunch with friends, Taurus. Hopefully, bottomless mimosas, midday blackouts, and eggs Benedict will be back soon. In the meantime, dedicate Saturday to catching up with besties and lending an ear if they’re on the struggle bus in terms of feeling isolated. On Sunday, look but don’t buy when it comes to online shopping. You don’t need three pairs of linen pants to lounge around the house in.


The moon in Pisces is reminding you to watch your words, Gemini. You’re going to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, so try not to jump down anyone’s throat if they ask how social distancing is going for you. Use Saturday to get away from people (like, even more than normal) and write down your feelings. Sh*t, you could even draw pictures if you want. Sunday will have you feeling a bit like your old self, so call your mom and make her tell you how great you are.


Nature calls, Cancer. Since a great big adventure to some adorable seaside town or mountain escape isn’t like, that feasible yet, try to make plans to hike somewhere interesting and even a bit isolated on Saturday. Not into walking or physical activity? Take your car out for the first time in weeks and drive somewhere remote so you can actually leave your apartment.


Time for a sexy weekend, Leo. The moon is inviting you to, in the words of Missy Elliot, get your freak on, so don’t miss an opportunity to get weird on Saturday, either alone or with a special someone. Plan a date night of sorts. Get some interesting takeout, light a candle, and watch something steamy that your S.O. won’t completely hate. On Sunday, the intimacy and sexiness spills into the more romantic side, so take time to cuddle, talk, and be mentally intimate with your partner.


Passion and sexy time, yes. Passionate arguments about who last emptied the dishwasher, no. If you can use the planets’ push to channel intimacy instead of fights about nothing this weekend, you’ll have a great time, Virgo. On Saturday, use your intuition when it comes to romance, especially if you’re chatting with someone fairly new. But even tried-and-true relationships deserve a closer look. You may identify some sh*t that isn’t cool and could definitely translate as a red flag. Listening is important.


Are you stressed 24/7, Libra? Use this weekend to examine how your feelings are affecting your physical health. If your stress level has spilled over into a lack of sleep, it’s a good time to identify why and how to fix it. Saturday is for journaling, zoning out with a dumb TV show, and eating comforting but healthy meals. On Sunday, download a yoga app and try your hand at guided relaxation.


The moon is all, “hey, let’s do sexy times”, Scorpio. Be careful, though. On Saturday, you’ll be ready to attack (in a sexy way) literally anything and anyone you see thanks to Mars and Neptune, and even people with giant red flags will seem like a good idea at the time. Sometimes, it’s best to just stay home with your vibrator—know what we mean? If you’re already paired up, enjoy a steamy weekend with your S.O., but be sure to give voice to your wants and needs, too.


We hereby dedicate this weekend to domesticity, Sagittarius. If there was ever a time to bake banana bread, try your hand at sourdough, or burn cookies, this is it. Use Saturday to jump into the culinary arts and destroy your kitchen. Sunday is for the other domestic sh*t, like dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning out your closet. Those pants from high school aren’t going to fit again—it’s time to put them into the donation box, fam.


Get your learning on this weekend, Capricorn. Sure, schools aren’t in session, and you can’t really go to any public class to pick up a skill. But you can FaceTime grandma and learn how to make Sunday gravy. You can also call mom and learn how to use psychology to make your S.O. take the trash out and do the dishes. You’ll feel the need for an artistic outlet on Sunday, so pull up some Bob Ross vids on YouTube and learn how to paint happy little clouds.


Time to get up close and personal with your money, Aquarius. You’ve had a stellar time shopping online during quarantine, but Mars and the moon this weekend will make financial decisions risky. So, no, maybe don’t treat yourself to three of the 30 deals in your inbox on Saturday morning. You have enough loungewear. If you’re dying to spend, order a nice dinner for yourself on Sunday night as a reward for not blowing your paycheck on stupid sh*t.


You’re feeling all over the place this weekend, Pisces. Use Saturday to commune with nature to quiet your mind, re-center yourself, and ignore your f*cking work emails. On Sunday, continue the path of turning everyone off and try to go all day without seeing or talking to anyone. It’ll give you a much-needed emotional break after a week of helping people—even when it left you feeling drained.


Holy hostility, Aries. You’ll be feeling raw and emotional after work on Friday, so make yourself a margarita and unplug. Use Saturday to catch up on 90 Day Fiancé and call your parents because, well, they miss you. Then, take a 12-hour nap straight into bedtime and, like, pay attention to your dreams since they’ll be kind of off the wall.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson