No Places To Go, No People To See: Weekend Horoscopes March 5-7

Well, here we are in March again. Pop quiz: did it ever really STOP being March? Experts say no, it f*cking did not, and my wardrobe, unused makeup, incredible savings on gas, and mask-acne offer a lot of evidence to support that conclusion. But after these 12 dark months of March, it seems like there’s finally a slight, dim light at the end of the tunnel. It could be a train, but let’s think optimistically. Are the stars as optimistic about your upcoming weekend? Let’s find out.


Take a long, hard look at your current job situation, Pisces. Is this where you see yourself in ten years? Are you happy? Are you consistently frustrated at your boss’s passive aggressive jabs? The moon and a few of its planetary buddies are lining up this weekend to provide you with new opportunities, so we’d suggest updating your resume, taking that weird pic off LinkedIn, and applying for some new sh*t. After all that professional nonsense, make time to snuggle with your besties on Sunday.


GTFO of the house this weekend, Aries. The moon will be filling your head with visions of adventure, so call out of work on Friday and book a few nights’ stay at an Airbnb somewhere close, but not too close. Getting away from your surroundings for a few days will do wonders for your mental health, and, like maybe your skin, too.


Venus is giving you a rough start to the weekend, so don’t be surprised if you get into a fight with a friend. Instead of picking at it, walk away and leave each other alone until you don’t feel like you’re on an emotional rampage. The rest of the weekend should be smooth sailing, so make a point to schedule a date night (finally) with your S.O., or just order takeout and watch a murder mystery.


Get ready for a f*cking great weekend, Gemini. The planets have decided to cut you some slack, so you can look forward to feeling happy, optimistic, and ready for whatever comes your way. On Friday, focus on your S.O. and spoil them a little. Order their fav food, wear the sweats they find the cutest, and let them watch something other than reruns of Real Housewives. Saturday and Sunday are all about intimacy, so continue pouring effort into your relationship and reaping the sweet, sexy rewards.


It’s shaping up to be a nice lil weekend, Cancer. On Friday and Saturday, focus on you and your own mental health. You’ve been helping everyone around you lately, and it’s time for some R&R in the form of treating yourself. Saturday night and Sunday, once you’re feeling refreshed, is for focusing on and spending time with your S.O. You can look forward to zero stupid fights this weekend, and lots of cuddling.


Passion and creativity start out the weekend, Leo, so if you’ve been dying to tackle a DIY project that truly #inspired you from Instagram, I guess now’s the time to start it (then call your dad to finish it). Saturday evening and Sunday will shine a light on your health and wellbeing, so maybe it’s time to actually use that gym membership if you feel like it would a) get you out of the house and b) help you feel better about yourself.


You’re like, full of ideas this weekend, Virgo. If you’ve needed some inspo at work, have been searching for recipes to experiment with, or needed the push to start your autobiography, then keep a notepad close by all day Saturday since the “ah-ha” moment is sure to strike. You’ll also want to focus on family this weekend, so plan on a trip to see mom and dad if you’re able to safely.


In typical Libra fashion, you’re all about being a social butterfly this weekend. Connect with friends and make plans to head out for lunch, dinner, brunch, or some sort of booze-filled combo of all three. While you’re nursing your hangover on Sunday, your attention will turn to your nest and favorite people, so try not to take it out on them that you went too hard the day before.


What means the most to you, Scorpio? Is it stuff? Is it people? Is it your environment? Do a little soul-searching this weekend and figure out where your values lie. While you’re wondering about existential sh*t, you may feel the pull to spend a sh*tload of money. Try and like, don’t. Instead, use the moon’s energy on Saturday night to connect with your S.O. and live vicariously through a House Hunters marathon.


You’re feeeeeeeling yourself this weekend, Sagittarius, so make plans to get out and share your joy with others. Make an effort for real plans with your coworkers if you’re sick of your actual friends (it happens). Grab that beer and talk sh*t about whatshisname or how spreadsheets are the worst. It’ll be fun. The rest of the weekend throws your finances into focus, so be an adult and get your tax info together before you dad yells at you again.


Pay attention to one of your dreams this weekend, Capricorn. If nothing else, it means that sleeping in and telling your friends you can’t go out because the universe has messages for you is a totally acceptable way to cancel plans. The moon is also sending high self-esteem vibes, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly have the urge to get headshots done so you can admire yourself.


Friendship and being nice are on deck this weekend, Aquarius. Combine the two and go out for brunch and don’t drunkenly hit on the waiter! Or, do something even better, like volunteering with friends at an animal shelter where you can walk a bunch of lonely puppies. You’ll also want to pay attention to your dreams this weekend, so keep your Notes app open next to your bed so you can write about all the weird sh*t that goes on in your head at night.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson