Mercury Made Me Do It: Weekend Horoscopes March 14-16

First of all, let’s start with a reminder that Mercury is still in retrograde. No, that doesn’t mean you can blame that for all of your problems. As tempting as it might be to retreat into your bed for the entire month of March, that might not be the most productive path forward, depending on your sign. Yes, you might still do it anyway, and that’s okay. But this weekend, try to really listen to yourself and decide what your body and spirit needs. That might be a chill weekend on the couch, or you might be f*cking raging for St. Patrick’s Day. Have fun pretending you loooove Guinness! Let’s see how the first planet is going to f*ck up your life this weekend.


Mercury is in retrograde, so maybe you should slow your roll on starting any big projects right now. Sure, agreeing to plan a girls weekend two weeks from now sounds nice after a few drinks at the bar, but do you really want to be the one responsible for coordinating everyone’s dietary restrictions? Nah.


Get ready to cringe, Taurus, because Mercury in retrograde is making you awkward as hell. Don’t fight it. You *will* be that person who does all kinds of awk sh*t this weekend, including but not limited to: reintroducing yourself to someone you’ve met many times, running into your ex (and his new gf) at the bar, asking about someone’s dog only to find out it died, etc…


Mercury retrograde is making you particularly reckless this weekend, Cancer, so it’s probs good to enlist one of your more responsible besties (aka a Taurus) to help keep you in line. Give them your phone, your Insta password, and photos of any/all of your potential booty calls and you should be okay.


Mercury has you keeping it a little bit too real this weekend, Leo. Like, did Meghan really need to know you think the ‘h’ in her name is f*cking stupid? Probs not. This is a good weekend to fire up your meanest groupchat and turn it into your own personal burn book. Remember, if you don’t have something nice to say, put it in the groupchat.


Mercury is your ruling planet, Virgo, so when it goes into retrograde you are particularly f*cked. Congrats. If you have a helmet, this might be a good weekend to wear a helmet. You know, just in case.


Mercury is making you sweat the small sh*t right now, Libra. Is your roommate’s habit of not fully closing the lid on their Chobani annoying? Sure. Do you need to print a five page manifesto about it and leave copies around the kitchen? Probs not. Invest in a stress ball and chill tf out.


Got big plans this weekend? Umm…maybe reschedule. Mercury has your already emotional self all over the f*cking place which means you should be participating in mandatory activities only. Like, don’t miss your friend’s wedding if it’s this weekend, but maybe skip out on Rachel’s half-birthday brunch. You’ll actually be doing everyone a favor.


Repeat after me, “I’m sorry for the things I said when Mercury was in retrograde.” It will serve you well this weekend. The people who annoy you are going to annoy you about 100% more this weekend which, given how much they already annoy you, is a lot. Maybe this is a good weekend to spend at home with your pet (aka the only person you actually like).


Mercury has you in a glass case of emotion right now, meaning every shot you take brings you one step closer to being that person who’s crying at the club. It’s fine. Someone has to take on that role. Just don’t be surprised if you can’t go back to that bar for a little while.


With all this insane Mercury energy out there, you’re going to find yourself playing mom to the majority of your friend group. You’re going to be toning down Tauruses, stopping Sagittarii from ruining their lives, and picking up Pisces off the floor. Hopefully they’ll get you back for all your hard work when it’s your turn to be a mess.


You’re in danger of taking on too much sh*t and having absolutely zero fun this weekend! It’s time to start canceling plans like it’s your job and stick to the one or two events that you’re actually excited to participate in. Isn’t it fun to be a flake?

Images: Giphy (5)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.