To Quarantine, Or Not To Quarantine: Weekend Horoscopes March 13-15

Beware the Ides of March, or whatever. That has something to do with killing Julius Caesar, a character and person my high school English curriculum demanded I be familiar with. The good news is that the weekend of Ides and March and ancient rulers doesn’t seem to be too scary for most of us, if the planets are to be believed. Between warmer weather, longer days, and a stock market prime for buying (ugh, ask your dad to explain it to you), you ought to be taking advantage of this almost-Spring season.


Travel, but keep it chill, Pisces. With the coronavirus f*cking sh*t up left and right, head out of town via car and use hand sanitizer to enjoy a weekend getaway close to home. Saturday evening is all about staying present and examining how you really feel about your professional career, or lack thereof. Talk it over with your bestie or partner while eating something bad for you.


Your dry spell may also be over, Aries. Pluto is helping you out in the romance department on Friday night, so if you’re single, maybe it’d be hilarious to line up two or three dates in a row. The moon in Sagittarius on Saturday wants you to recover from your wild Friday night by wandering into the part of town you usually avoid (not like, if it’s dangerous tho). Explore some sh*t you wouldn’t normally be caught dead doing, like an abstract art gallery or restaurant specializing in animal intestines. Yay, exploration.


It’s a great weekend to show your partner or your close friends how much you care, Taurus. Scorpio is making you focus on connections on Friday and Saturday, so plan a much-needed date night with your SO—whether it’s Netflix and chill or an actual outing at that French restaurant you’re intimidated by. And even if you have a headache, try to make time for the sexy stuff, too. It’ll be worth it.


Recognize how badass you are, Gemini. You don’t pat yourself on the back enough, and this is the weekend to do it. Head out for some r&r after work on Friday, be it a pedicure or indulging in something you haven’t done since college… like eating an entire Pizza Hut pizza or playing flip cup. Saturday is all about relationships, so pay attention to yours and spend time with the people that lift you up and encourage you to eat another taco or take one more shot. They’re like, the best.


Bring on the waterworks, Cancer. This weekend is going to be more of an emotional rollercoaster than that time you saw Marley & Me on your period. Since the planets are planning on f*cking up your eye makeup all weekend, make a date with your couch and lock yourself inside to finally binge watch Mark Love Is Blind. Once you’re through about five episodes, that joke will make sense, sweetie.



Call your mom, Leo, and spend some time with the fam this weekend. The moon is all about creativity on Saturday, so make that recipe with a lot of wiggle room, invite your parents over, and argue over your cooking. Sunday is for cleanup and relaxation, so maybe after your mom badgers you about it, you can finally vacuum that cobweb off the top of the fridge and fold your laundry, you asshole.


You’ll be feeling extra perceptive on Friday, Virgo, so it’s fine to dole out advice to your friends whether they need it or not. After your pep talks, Saturday is all about being home, cuddling up on the couch, and not doing chores. You’ll feel a burst of energy on Sunday to get some sh*t done, but, otherwise, give yourself a break and revel in the weird March weather, fam.


It’s a great weekend to learn wtf your 401k is doing (or, like what it is), so buckle up and learn about Roth IRAs this weekend, Libra. The moon in Sagittarius on Saturday will inspire you to get out of the house, so keep all those financial tidbits in mind when you head into Sephora after a pitcher of mimosas, k? Sunday is for resetting, so it’s a great time to tell everyone about the break you’re taking from social media, or whatever.


You’re feeling 100% like that bitch this weekend, Scorpio, so f*cking own it. Try out that new top you’ve been afraid reveals too much side boob on Friday night and flirt with strangers (to an extent; don’t get crazy). You’ll be in a good headspace to examine your home on Saturday, so go through and start Spring cleaning early—i.e. get rid of all the do-dad’s you haven’t touched in years, the skirt from freshman year of high school that definitely will never fit again, and donate your beanie baby collection.


Get ready for some wacky f*cking dreams, Sagittarius. Seriously, keep your Notes app open and next to your bed, because Friday night could be full of imagery weirder than a Salvador Dalí painting. And if you didn’t get that reference, maybe you should’ve paid attention in art history class. Saturday you’ll feel friendly and energetic, which is so outside the norm that you should spread your good vibes around. Cheer on your boyfriend at his dumbass dodgeball tournament, or smile at a stranger.


Host a dinner party, Capricorn. We know that cooking (or ordering takeout) for a group can be exhausting, but you’ll be craving some friend time on Friday night, so make the most of it with good food, alcohol, and comfy pants. On Saturday and Sunday the planets are pushing you to slow tf down, so don’t feel bad if you just want to hang close to home, read a book, and FaceTime your mom.


Listen to your gut, Aquarius. Spend the day on Friday really looking at opportunities for growth at work, whether it means pitching that idea you thought was kind of stupid or volunteering to help on a huge project. It could pay off. On Saturday you’ll be feeling social, so soak up the not-30-degree weather and lounge at a brewery where you can pretend to like IPAs and dig hipsters with beards wearing too much plaid.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson