Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For September 22-24

For those of you who actually follow the calendar, this weekend marks the first weekend of fall. Fall means a lot of things. For some, it’s scramble-to-find-a-guy-to-string-along-through-the-holidays cuffing season. For others, it marks the beginning of a weight gain induced by sweet Starbucks faux coffee beverages. For still others, it means drowning their sorrows in alcohol—but like, spiced cool weather alcohol. Find out what this fall has in store for you in this week’s edition of our weekend horoscopes.


It’s been a whirlwind of a week for Aries and somehow, against all odds, you made it through. Not just that, but you kind of kicked its ass. Honestly, no one knows how you pulled it off or where you got your stash of Limitless pills, but you’ve more than earned a weekend off. Spend the next two days winding down in whatever way works best for you, the only requirement being that you’re 100% stress-free.


You’ve taken on a lot of responsibility these past few weeks, Taurus, and the people around you, especially your superiors, are impressed by your “go getter” attitude. The thing is, what they can’t see but you are starting to know too well is that you’re losing steam. Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle from both ends. All your impressive feats will be nullified if you have a nervous breakdown at work, so maybe try and take a step back this weekend and prioritize a few key tasks rather than trying to do it all. Do those well and then move onto the next. Wash, rinse, repeat for the rest of your life.


You can’t rush a good thing, Gemini. This weekend you may be tempted to light a fire under a relationship in the hopes that things will start moving at the pace you’re accustomed to. But consider this: maybe that pace hasn’t worked for you in the past because it fucking sucks. A slow burn, while agonizing and anxiety-inducing, may be exactly what you need right now. Just let nature take its course and see how it works out for you.


Time to light a fire under your ass, Cancer. If we’re being truly honest here, which we always are, you’ve been coasting these past couple of weeks. We are experts at identifying that because we’ve been coasting our entire lives. But sometimes, adulthood calls for actual effort put forth on your part, and this is one of those times. Make this one of those productive weekends that actually leaves you feeling fulfilled rather than full of existential dread come Sunday night. No really, it’s possible.


Time to spread your wings, Leo. You’ve been feeling cramped recently and the only way to fix that is to get out of your comfort zone and see what else life has to offer. This doesn’t have to be as extreme of a shift as it sounds; sometimes just one change to your general routine can be enough to right yourself. Mundanity is the source of your discomfort here, so try shaking things up a bit. If it doesn’t feel like you’re moving big enough, slowly work your way up until things start to feel right. The sky is the limit and you get to decide when to call it.


Hate to break it to you Virgo, but if you’re unhappy with your circumstances, incessant bitching won’t actually solve them. Wild, right? As cathartic as it can be to vent to you friends, there comes a point where your venting is actually just complaining, and everyone is over it. You are the only one who can change your situation. Stop waiting for life to swoop in and right itself and start working towards something that makes you happy. Sorry for the dose of reality, but it’s only because we care. Love you. Mean it.


Life’s hard out there for a Libra, huh? This week it seems like no matter what you did, you somehow got shit on for it. While infuriating, it’s important to remember that weeks like these are few and far between and sometimes you just have to accept that you’re going to be the whipping boy for a bit. You’ve endured enough abuse the past five days to earn you a free ticket this weekend for whatever indulgent experience your heart desires. Heal that wounded ego and be ready to get back out into the ring next week.


You’re at a crossroads, Scorpio. You can either move along the way things are which, admittedly, aren’t terrible but also could be better. Or you can take a chance and wander down that path that’s been tempting you for a while now. This path, while exciting, makes no promises and could just as easily lead to a dead end. What’s a girl to do? Spend the next couple days trying to come to a decision. Remember: pros and cons list are your friend.


You can’t win ’em all, Sagittarius. Sometimes it’s best to take the L, retreat gracefully, and then tend to your wounds in the safety and privacy of your home. This weekend it’s time to recognize that, although you put up a good fight, it’s time for you to bow out. It’s going to feel a lot bigger of a deal than it really is, but I promise that no one will be as focused on this as you. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to be worried about you, and the sooner we all accept this the sooner we can maybe secure an ounce of peace in our lives.


Looking for some direction in life, Capricorn? Same bitch, the fuck. I recognize that you came to read this horoscope maybe in the hopes that it would offer you some of that much-needed direction, but honestly, sometimes you gotta figure this shit out for yourself. Deep down, you know what it is that you want and now you’re just waiting for some kind of cosmic sign to confirm it. Well if that’s what you want, I’ll give it to you. This is your great message from the universe telling you to go for it, but realistically you’re the one who’s going to have to sit down and work for it. We have faith in you, so all that’s really left here is for you to get to it.


Honestly, Aquarius, no one knows how you’re still functioning, and yet you keep shocking people day in and day out by waking up and going about life. It is truly awe-inducing. Putting up a front is what you’re best at, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a break from it sometimes and actually exhibit one of the 700 roaring emotions that’s brewing below that Stepford Wife surface. The danger here is that you snap and unleash all of them on some unassuming bystander, so be sure you’re in a safe space before experimenting with this.


What’s good, Pisces? Not a lot, from what we can tell. Sure, the past couple of days haven’t been the best, but fall is coming and it’s all about new beginnings. Don’t let a few rough days sour your weekend. All you can do is wake up tomorrow and try your best to make it a good day. After a while, you won’t have to try so hard, and eventually you won’t have to try at all. Remember: unbridled optimism is only made possible by things like healthy sleeping habits and limitless coffee, so be sure to get yourself both.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.