Time To Stop Being Polite And Start Being Real: Your Weekend Horoscopes April 28-30th

The seasons are officially changing, which means they’re a lot of powerful energy being shot at us from the stars right now. Feel like you’re inexplicably bitchier than normal? Don’t blame your period, blame Mercury! Feel like you wanna ditch all your friends and backpack across Europe? Yeah, that’s Uranus. On the one hand, it can be pretty frustrating to have the stars making you mood swing so hard you could be on Real Housewives, but on the other hand, maybe you can harness some of that aggressive energy into sorting out all the shit you’ve been avoiding. There are times to be fake and pretend you love everyone, and there are times to get real and let the world know it is annoying AF. This may be one of those times. And when The Universe tells you to be a bitch, a bitch you must become.


This past week saw some conflict in your relationships, Aries. While things may be all patched up by now, odds are you’re still harboring some negative feelings about the entire situation. Pro-tip: get those out now. Sit your friend/roommate/boyfriend back down and let them know that things aren’t quite as resolved as you’d hoped. Will it be awkward? Hell yeah. Despite how The Bachelor makes it look, actual confrontation is the worst. But addressing it now is better than blowing up after a bottle of wine this weekend.


At times, Taurus, it can seem like the world is against you. Hell, sometimes this world actually is against you. I know this, I talk to the stars. While this last week may have been a rough one for you, it’s important to remember that there are people in your life who will have your back no matter what. Crazy, right? This weekend, surround yourself with those loyal few, and try your best to ignore everyone else. A few days with your inner circle will be sure to get you out of this funk.


You know what sucks, Gemini? Your life as of late. Like you’re second term Obama stressed rn, and when things like get this it’s important to keep one thing in mind: yourself. You are allowed to admit you’re stressed. You’re allowed to complain. You’re allowed to shut down and hibernate. Whatever you need to do to get yourself feeling even a semblance of your normal self, use these next two days to do it. Your friends will understand if you drop off the map for a few days, but maybe warn them so they don’t alert the authorities or anything.


You’ve been having a rough time of it, Cancer, and we feel for you. Really. But here’s the thing. Addressing your issues with the people causing them? Great idea. Taking it out on people around you because you’re in a shitty mood? Less than great idea. Some may even call it a terrible one. This weekend, try and figure out who you’re pissed at, what you’re mad about, and then go fix it. While you’re at it, maybe apologize to the friends you’ve been dragging through the mud in the meantime.


It’s time to crawl out of that hole you’ve been hiding in, Leo. Not only do you friends miss you, but it’s getting to the point where they aren’t sure if you actually live in the same city anymore. Fix it. Reaching out sucks, but not as bad as watching a bunch of Snapchat stories of all your friends having the time of their life while you’re home binging The Handmaid’s Tale (the scariest Friday night possible tbh). Reward yourself for interacting actual human contact by hiding away the rest of the weekend. That’s what we like to call compromise.

Remember Me


A spontaneous trip in your future, Virgo? If there wasn’t already, it’s time to start looking at Airbnb’s. It’s time for you to get the hell out of town, the less contact with people the better. Request the days off now, start saving, and then throw a dart at a map. We’re talking a full Eat, Pray Love experience here. Pack a bunch of flowy white dresses and oversized sunhats. You ever seen The Virgin Suicides? That’s the vibe, minus the suicide. The next few months will seem less treacherous knowing there’s a bulk of serenity waiting on the other side.


Work got you down, Libra? More specifically, is your boss just the fucking worst? While you may take solace in the fact that basically everyone is in the same boat as you, it doesn’t really help your situation. There are two routes to take here: suck it up and hope for a bomb recommendation when you finally move on, or quit. It’s really that simple. This weekend, break out the pros and cons list and figure out what you want to do. Here’s a starter: Pros to sucking it up, being able to pay rent. Cons, your dignity. Feel free to take it from there and whatever you do, make sure there’s plenty of wine around for the decision making process.



Newsflash, Scorpio: It’s time you made a change. You’ve been in a rut for a while now, and everyone seems to have noticed but you. Hate your job? Quit it. Hate your city? Leave it. Hate your friends? Tough, everyone does. But actually, you could make new ones. It’s time to stop being so wishy washy and just commit. Put your money (all three dollars of it) where you mouth is and just jump. It’ll be scary as hell, but also probably worth it.


This weekend has one thing, and one thing only, in store for you, Sagittarius. Brace yourself. It’s food. Seriously. You’re going to spend the next two days living the truest American dream: eating everything in sight and not feeling guilty about it. This is a weekend of luxury, and don’t let anyone stand in your way. Is there a place you’ve been itching to try but no one wants to go with you? Fuck it, go by yourself. Wake up from a nap craving a donut. Eat that donut! Whatever your stomach desires, get it, and worry about the consequences come your Monday morning spin class.



This weekend will bring you to a crossroads, Capricorn, and you’re going to have to do something that we here at Betches are ethically oppose to: make a decision. I know. It’s tragic. We’ve found that the best way to make decisions is drunk. Almost anyone else you ask will contest this, but they’re not writing your fucking horoscope, are they? Drunk you knows what you want. Drunk you only cares about you. Drunk you has her eyes on the prize. Let her lead you through this minefield, and then celebrate her hard work by eating enough hash browns to soak up your inevitable hangover the next morning.


While it may be hard to admit, Aquarius, it’s time to recognize that you haven’t exactly been treating people the way you should be. Leaning on friends is one thing, but taking advantage of their kindness is shitty, even for us. This weekend, take a step back and assess your behavior over the past few weeks. Would you be pissed if someone treated you that way? Cool, then fix it. Maybe start by letting your friends know that you’re aware you’ve fucked up, and go from there. You’d be shocked how far a sincere apology can go.



Pisces, it’s time to let loose. Really. Not a casual night on the town. Not girls’ night and a few glasses of wine. We’re talking college levels of drunk. You should be spending the next two days like it’s your 22nd birthday (slightly more put together than your 21st, but not really). Why, you may ask? Because there is a storm coming your way, and this weekend is your last chance for a while to be truly carefree. Take full advantage by mainlining tequila like you’re back in Cabo and it’s two-for-one shot night at El Squid. The hangover you suffer come Monday will be the least of your concerns.