This weekend, like every other weekend, we look to the sky to rationalize all your destructive life choices. Whether you’re force-feeding your friend shots to help her get over a problem that’s been bothering her or catching up on your sleep, you’re probably v in demand this weekend. We know, you can’t help it that you’re so popular. You wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends if it looks good on you, right? Right, just like you wouldn’t make any weekend plans without consulting your horoscope. As always, The Betches have come to the rescue with your weekend horoscopes.
Aries
This weekend you’re going to find yourself a little bored, Aries. All your friends are busy (or avoiding you), you’re caught up on your shows (unheard of, I know) and the weather will be too shitty to venture out. Where does this leave you? Either with 48 hours of uninterrupted sleep, or with plenty of time to explore a new interest. We recommend the latter, but wouldn’t be super mad about the former. Are there any old passion projects laying around that you can finish up? Or maybe you’re feeling ambitious enough to start a new one. Whatever it is, make the most out of the lonely next two days.
Taurus
This weekend, Taurus, we’re going to ask you to stop thinking about yourself (outrageous, we know) and look around at your friends. Odds are, one of them is having a rough time and just not talking about it because she’s emotionally stunted an Aquarius. Your mission the next two days is to be there for your friend, whether that means vegging out on the couch or downing shots at that one bar where you’re bound to run into every single person you ever went to college with. It’s a tough job at times, but this is what friends do. Odds are it’ll be an exhaustin endeavor, so be sure to treat yourself throughout the process.
Gemini
After multiple weekends of covert operations and aggressively avoiding people, this weekend is a time for you to chill the fuck out, Gemini. No coordination. No stalking of multiple social media accounts while you try and decide on a bar for the night. No activating old Find My Friends relationships. For the next two days, fall where the wind drops you, and ignore anyone else that might end up in the same place. It’s time for people to navigate around you for a change.
Cancer
This weekend you’ll have one thing on your mind, Cancer, and it’s your family. Be they near or far, you’ll find yourself unable to stop thinking about them and their crazy antics. If you’re lucky enough (read: brave enough) to live nearby, make a stop at home for some home cooking and good alcohol. If they’re not close enough for a drop in, call your mom and complain about how empty your fridge is. That woman will find a way to get food to you, believe you me. It’s okay to revel in nostalgia sometimes so let yourself get as cozy as possible this weekend, even if it can’t be back at home.
Leo
Finances freaking you out, Leo? Odds are yes, because you’re a millennial living in Trump’s America. Nevertheless, it doesn’t hurt to take a step back and assess every once in a while. Without knowing you or looking at your bank account, I already know you spend to much money on takeout and alcohol. Am I going to tell you to stop? No, because I’d probably get struck by lightning. I will, however, tell you to chill out for a bit. This weekend, try and spend as little as possible. It’ll be rough, but your summer vacation budget will thank you for it.
Virgo
After a tumultuous few months, it’s important for you to take a good, long look at your life, Virgo. Question one: Are you happy? Question two: Are you doing anything about it? Let the answer to these two questions guide your next 48 hours. If things aren’t going the way you want them to, change something. Take charge of your life, and try putting yourself first for once. You’ll be amazed how little people will actually care. Really. No one can fault you for standing up for yourself, but you’ll never find out until you actually do it.
Libra
Love is in the air, Libra! Can you feel it? If your answer is no, head to the nearest establishment that serves alcohol and get started. Nothing facilitates romance like a pitcher of margaritas on a Friday afternoon. The only advice we have to offer is to spend the next two days as drunk as possible without either dying or embarrassing yourself. That carefree, intoxicated attitude is bound to attract some attention, and some of it may actually be wanted. Do your think and let people flock to you, then take your pick. Really, it’s easy as that.
Scorpio
When life gives you lemons, Scorpio, what do you do? Make lemon drops. Or literally just like a cup of vodka with half a lemon in it. I don’t know how fancy you’re trying to get. The point is, this week threw some shit at you and you’ve earned the right to 48 hours of unadulterated alcoholism. Literally ignore and/or shun anyone who tries to get in your way. Sure, they may be looking out for your health, but now is not the time to care about petty things like that. Your only responsibility is to make sure you’re stocked on Pedialyte for Monday and then let your hair down. Really, you’ve earned it.
Sagittarius
You have opinions, Sagittarius. We get it. And most of the time, we respect it. But sometimes your thoughts, while warranted, don’t need to be heard. This weekend will give you plenty of time to practice keeping your mouth shut, and we recommend you take up the chance. Your friends would probably also recommend it. There is a time and a place for being assertive, so use this time of introspection to figure out exactly when that is. Everyone will be better for it, truly.
Capricorn
Got travel on the brain, Capricorn? Of course you do. While it may not be an extravagant vacation, a lot can happen in two days. This weekend, get the hell out of town. Are you even remotely near a coast? Go there. In a landlocked state? First of all, why. But also, I’m sure there are nice destination somewhere nearby. It doesn’t matter where you go, as long as you chill the second you’re there. It’s amazing what two days of straight up relaxation can do for your mental health. You’ll come back refreshed and far less annoyed by the people you see on a daily basis. Try it, you’ll thank us.
Aquarius
This is a weekend for straight up fun, Aquarius. Despite what you seem to think, you don’t actually need 10 hours of sleep a night to function. Wild, right? Take full advantage of the next two days with a list of non-stop activities. It sounds exhausting now, but you’ll be shocked by how much energy you have when you’re not lying in bed watching Netflix. If you are truly wrecked come Monday, there’s always * cough * sick days.
Pisces
Do you have a list of unfinished projects lying around, Pisces? We know you do, and this is the weekend to—gasp—finish them. Whatever you had planned, cancel it. You’re going to wake up tomorrow with the overwhelming need to get shit done, and it would be an absolute waste to ignore it. Use the next couple days to cross every item off your list, and maybe in add in a few new ones. After all your hard work, treat yourself to a much deserved brunch and use that time to brag to all your friends about how productive you’ve been. They’ll hate you for it, which makes your victory all the sweeter.
