Is it a weekend for celebrating or sleeping? Are your friends The One or baggage to be dumped? Is the sun coming back or did Donald Trump scare it away forever? Wtf does it mean when Saturn is in retrograde? Only the stars (and The Betches) know the answers to these pressing questions. Read all about your weekend horoscope here, and make sure that you make the most of your blackout this weekend.
We’re a little over halfway through your birthday month, Aries, and it doesn’t really seem like you’ve celebrated appropriately. This is nothing less than unacceptable. I don’t care if your birthday already happened, I don’t care if it hasn’t happened yet, I don’t care if you held a parade in your own honor yesterday (pretty dope though). This weekend you are on 24-hour birthday watch. You should be drunk the entire time, and preferably in a crown (though for all our sake, please let it not be a flower crown). Eat every brunch, drink every alcohol, and make sure everyone treats you like the queen you are. But beware—Saturn went into retrograde on Thursday meaning everything you tweet, post, or ‘gram can and will be held against you in the court of public opinion. Stick to geotagging cute brunch spots and RTing Kim Kardashian this weekend. You know, stuff everybody likes.
After surviving last weekend, you deserve a break, Taurus. It’s not easy feat navigating life when Mercury has it out for you but you made it through in (mostly) one piece. For the next couple days, celebrate with a full routine of pampering. Pedicures, massages, facials, you name it. I want your Saturday looking like a montage from an early 2000’s teen movie. Sunday is a day for sleeping and the occasional TV show but mostly sleeping. Come Monday you should be well rested and ready to take on the week. Also, Saturn being in retrograde means this is the perfect time to tell any and all haters to keep ya name out they mouth. They’ll understand. Or they won’t. Either way, you DGAF.
It’s been a while since you’ve let loose, Gemini, and honestly, it’s getting kind of boring. We miss the days of you being the wild card friend who would either end the night dancing on tables or crying under them. We’re not asking for a full revival of your old ways, but maybe just a visit. This weekend, break out that dusty bottle of tequila and warn everyone in a 20-mile radius that you are back in action for a limited time only. This whole Saturn thing means that this is the perfect time for you to figure out which of your friends is fake, and who is here for the right reasons. And what better way to do so than to mass text everyone for drinks and see who answers the call? Maybe take Monday off to recover from the physical and emotional damage you will have incurred.
Let’s continue last weekend’s trend of new you, and carry it over into new friends. Let’s be real, Cancer, your friends have been a total drag lately. And by lately I mean the past six months. It’s not necessarily anyone’s fault; people grow apart. Sometimes we all have to sit back and realize that the people you spent every living second with in college don’t always transition into the real world with you. You know what they say: One betch’s carefree college lifestyle is another betch’s early stages of alcoholism. It’s a hard realization, but a necessary one. This weekend, start the slow and arduous process of expanding your social circle. Who knows, six months from now you may have a new crew to call your own.
Spring is in the air and you know what that means, Leo? It’s time to start hooking up with new guys. Leave winter and all its terrible memories behind—focus your efforts on warm weather and guys who don’t make you want to die. Despite what it may seem like right now, they do exist. This weekend, branch out by heading to a new bar in a new part of town. You’ll be shocked by how many people you won’t recognize. Don’t hesitate to hand out your number to a few hopefuls. Most importantly, have fun and make sure everyone sees you doing so. Good vibes attract good people. By the end of the weekend, there might be the very beginnings of love in the air.
I have one word for you this weekend, Virgo: you. You’ve been doing the most these past few weeks (months) and seem to only suffer for it. Your life right now is the truest example of no good deed goes unpunished, so it’s time to stop fucking doing good deeds. The next 48 hours should be a tribute to you and anyone who’s not on board can get tossed to the side. You deserve some unadulterated praise, and it’s about time you get it, even if it means firing up the old dating apps and raking in the Hey Beautiful’s. Bless up.
After spending last weekend figuring your shit out, it’s time to start implementing some of those much-needed changes, Libra. This weekend be sure to leave and old baggage behind and start living your new, best life. Friends who aren’t supportive? Toss them. Plans that don’t work rn? Cancel them. Clothes that reek of old you? Burn them. Nothing is safe in the journey to the New You, and we for one can’t WAIT to see the end result.
After a severe stripping down last week, Scorpio, we hope you’re taking this weekend to make some time for you. It’s rough getting called out, but you’re one of the few signs strong enough to take that critique in and make yourself better for it. This weekend, do whatever it is you need to do to get back on track. If that means some good old you time, go for it. Sometimes the only way to get a clear mind is to shut out literally everything else. You’ll come out the other side of this weekend with a sense of clarity that most people don’t achieve after a year’s worth of hot yoga.
Standing up for yourself can be hard. No one knows this better than you, Sagittarius. A perennial people pleaser, it’s difficult for you to ever put yourself first. But luckily for you, this weekend is when you start. Make your voice heard. Your friends will still love you even if your opinion differs from theirs—that’s the beauty of not being one of Stassi’s friends. And if they don’t, what kind of fucking friends were they anyways? Don’t make time for people who won’t let you live your best life. It may seem harsh, but you’ll be stronger for it come Monday.
After a winter full of pasta, it’s time to get back on track, Capricorn. We’re not judging; nothing warms those cold January nights like a nice bowl of mac and cheese. But the sun is coming and the time for hibernation has ended. Use this weekend to turn over a new leaf and kickstart your healthy spring diet. Thanks to literally any celebrity ever, there are countless recipe hacks to trick you into thinking cauliflower tastes like mashed potatoes. Try those and get accustomed to lying to yourself. It may be hard at first, but you’ll be loving life come July when it’s too hot to wear anything other than a bathing suit.
Listen up, Aquarius. It may be time to step back and take a breath. You’re burning the candle at both end these days, and your mental, emotional, and probably physical health are suffering for it. Your social calendar can be put on the backburner for two days if it means maintaining what little sanity you have left. Warn your friends, turn off your phone, and let the next two days be the calmest you’ve been in months. No joke, you should burn through no less than three heinously expensive candles. The hectic shit can resume come Monday.
After what was hopefully a relaxing weekend and moderately low-key week, it’s time to let loose, Pisces. We’re not talking balls to the wall blackout, but a weekend full of sunny, light hearted happy hours. Nothing says “spring is coming” like some good old fashioned day drinking. It’s time to break out the rosé and pray that the weather follows suit.