Where Should You Blackout For St. Paddy's Day? Your Weekend Horoscopes.

This weekend is not an ordinary weekend; it’s a cool weekend it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend. This makes St. Patrick’s Day extra special because it means unless you work in some unfortunate industry like food service, you won’t have to deal with puking up green shit in the trash can at work tomorrow. Bless. But this also means that the limit for the types of shenanigans you can get into this weekend does not exist. Irish car bombs? Rampant shit talking? A one-night stand with a ginger? A whole lot of nothing? See what the stars have in store for you this weekend.


This is a weekend meant for positivity, Aries. The past few weeks have been pretty heavy, and it’s time for you to reassess and start working on the things that make you happy. Not to get all zen and shit, but your mental health should really be a priority for the next 48 hours. Well, it should probably always be a priority, but especially now. Meditate, drink tea, sleep for two straight days, whatever. Just make sure you come out the other side with a semblance of peace of mind.

Nicole Richie


It’s been a wild ride, Taurus. For the past few weeks it’s started to seem like your luck—whether Irish or not—was bottomless. But I’m here to tell you with all the wisdom that a horoscope writer possesses that, eventually, that luck will run out. Could be today. Could be tomorrow. It will most likely be Sunday night because I’ve always found that that’s when existential crises like to strike. With all this in mind, maybe consider taking a break from the wild life this weekend. Store up on some of that luck for the next time you need it, and you won’t have to worry about bottoming out next time.

Britney Lucky


Sometimes shitty stuff happens, Gemini. By sometimes we mean literally all the time because life is hell as soon as puberty hits. There have been a few especially shitty moments in the past few months, we know that. This weekend put extra effort into just letting it all go. Seriously. All of it. Maybe over like 3-4 pints of Guinness. Grudges do nothing but build stress and early onset wrinkles. You don’t need either of those things in your life. Whatever it takes to get some closure, figure it out over the next two days. You’ll thank us when you don’t look like a sad prune come 40.

Kim Kardashian


I know this week has been wildly stressful, Cancer, which means this weekend entails only one thing for you: alcohol. Drink it with friends, drink it with family, drink it with some random tiny Irish dude who keeps giving you gold. The means of consumption does not matter, just as long as you’re consuming vast amounts. Treat yourself the next morning with a gloriously greasy breakfast that’ll have you hiding from bathing suits for the next month. Seriously, you’ve earned it.


No joke, Leos are probably the best person in the zodiac. You, without fail, always seem to prioritize the needs of other over yourself, even when your own life is just going to shit. It would be refreshing if it didn’t make the rest of us look so bad. So this weekend, after a lifetime of putting others first, try just thinking about yourself. Do what you want to do. Say what you want to say, without living out a cliché John Mayer song. Forget about everyone else. If your greatest desire for Saturday is to spend the day drunk on a beach somewhere, do it. If you want nothing more than to build a blanket fort and hibernate, go to town. Whatever you do, make sure it’s yours and yours only. You may find that you actually like it.

Me Time


Sad to say it Virgo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. This comes with good and bad news. The good? You’re making bank while your friends are dropping $60 on jaeger bombs. The bad? Your FOMO will be off the charts. Try not to think about that, and instead spend your time fantasizing about how you’ll spend that overtime cash. Then make up for all this work by blacking out next weekend before the Ubers are even called. It all works out in the end.


After months of being in the spotlight, it’s time for a goddamn break, Libra. Honestly. You’re burning the candle at both ends, and it’s not even a nice Anthropologie candle. It’s one of those sad bargain ones from Target that come in godforsaken flavors like Piña Colada and Winter Rain. So maybe consider taking the next couple days off from any kind of social interaction. Turn off your phone, go off the grid, and don’t look back until Monday. It could be refreshing, or it could result in mind-numbing anxiety, but I guess you won’t know until you find out.



This is a weekend to lay low, Scorpio. You’ve been going nonstop the past few weeks and your body (and wallet) need a rest. Tbh, your friends probably need a rest, too. As much as we love to witness it, a blackout Scorpio is no joke. So do yourself (and the greater public) a favor, and cuddle up with some takeout and some Netflix this weekend. Come Monday you’ll feel refreshed, if not a little bloated, and ready to take on the week.

Amy Schumer


This weekend calls for some introspection, Sagittarius. While you may not know it, your actions can severely affect the people closest to you. Think about that the next time you have something to say that would be deemed critical by people with actual functioning emotions. I know it sounds crazy, but they do exist. For the next couple days, start pausing and thinking before you speak. You may find that some of the things that were about to roll off your tongue were kind of condescending. It’s cool, being condescending is literally one of our past times, but then again we run a bitchy website and you don’t. Take a little time to consider what you’re going to say, and you’ll be surprised by how far the effort goes.

Taylor Swift


You know how people say that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing? Well we’ve never shared that sentiment. Too much of good things just means more good things, which sounds pretty fucking chill in our book. This weekend, experience the finer things in life. It’s time to try all the good things. Act like you’re Marie Antoinette but no one’s coming to chop your head off yet. Let them eat cake, except, fuck that and save all the cake for yourself. Moderation is cool and all, but it can wait until next weekend.

Marie Antoinette


I hope you filled out a March Madness bracket that was unceremoniously forced upon you by some dude in your office, because this weekend is looking like nothing but luck for you, Aquarius. Honestly, if there was ever a time to take up gambling, this is it. Take full advantage by pushing literally every relationship in your life to its very limit. Gamble with money, gamble with love, gamble with the lengths of your roommates’ patience for your general narcissism—odds are, you’re coming out on top.



First of all, Pisces, how dare you. After a week of nonstop work, nonstop socializing, and generally just nonstop life, you still look like a human. Better than that, you look pretty fucking good, and it’s infuriating for the rest of us mere mortals. Seeing as how you’ve been keeping it together for this long, why not go for the gold? This weekend, do as much as you possibly can before you crash. Drinking all night? Check. Full day of activities Saturday? Check. Sunday chores? Check. At this rate, you’ll sleep through Wednesday, but at that point you’ll have earned it. God speed, my friend.

Kelly Kapoor