You Can Wear A Weed Flower Crown To Coachella, But Please Don't

If you’ve ever even thought about attending Coachella, you know that the flower crown is the most basic of festival accessories. Like, if you wear a Northface and leggings daily say the word “hashtag” out loud, then you’re probably wearing a flower crown at Coachella. It’s like, for two days every girl gets to pretend she is a unique and special woodland nymph by dressing exactly the same as 3,500 other girls in a 50-acre radius. Another thing you may know about Coachella is that people smoke weed there. Like a lot. Like, early 90s Snoop Dogg levels. So it’ll probably come to no surprise to you that some geniuses (and by “geniuses” I mean “weed farmers”) at Lowell Farms in California thought to combine these two things by creating the weed flower crown, and I’m gonna come right out and say that this is going to be a hard no from me. 

Weed vodka exists, but will it get you crossfaded? Find out here!

So, okay, wearing a weed flower crown probably sounds fun in theory. The weed is right there! In your hair! And everyone will know what a cool woodland stoner you are! But if you pause to think about the weed flower crown for more than one second, you’ll see that it’s a pretty fucking stupid idea.

For one, you’re going to reek of weed, and not in a fun way. After three full days of weed-scented sweat baking into your scalp, there’s no amount of dry shampoo that will get you back to being presentable for work on Monday. Also, while weed is cool to smell in like a party situation, nobody actually wants to smell like weed. They call it “skunk” for a reason. 

Second, weed, if it’s at all decent, is sticky. Do you really want all the THC crystals getting wasted on your hair? By the end of the weekend you’ll probably be washing like, three bowl packs worth of weed right down that drain, and that’s just plain wasteful.

Finally, there is just no way having weed on your head is more convenient than just keeping it in a sandwich bag in your fanny pack and then doing a quick changeover into your bra right before the security line like any normal festival goer. And you’d better believe all the drunk, rolling Coachella attendees will have no problem just reaching out and snagging a chunk off of your crown. Best to keep that shit under wraps so you can be sure to only share your stash with people you actually know, or incredibly hot strangers.

So look, if you want to smoke weed and wear a flower crown at Coachella, that’s your right. It’s like, in the Constitution or some shit. But please, whatever you do, keep that shit separate. Unless you’re trying to be extra. In which case, you’re on the right track. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.