We Should Totally Meet Up This Summer! Unless Something Better Comes Up At the Last Minute, Of Course

Hey, girlie! Are you vaccinated yet? With the world opening back up, we obviously need to meetup and discuss how we’re going to spend our hot girl summer!! I’m thinking mules, margs, and mojitos. Maybe men—tbd.

What’s your availability like? Me, I just have so many moving parts to my life, it’s tough to pin down a date in advance, y’know? I think sharing my weekend schedule will just be easier for everyone:


Is Friday even really a weekday? I don’t think so, but—work, ugh—I’m not available until at least cocktail hour. But what even is “cocktail hour”? I can guarantee my conception of it isn’t the same as yours and I’ll use that to my advantage to cancel on you!

5 p.m. – I’ll finally respond to your text about meeting up for cocktail hour at Phil’s Dive, close to your apartment—silly, I’m not journeying across town! You come here, to my neighborhood bar that’s three times as expensive. Mojitos!! Let’s say, 6-ish?

6:37 p.m. – I’ll text you to say I can’t make it because I have an unexpected errand. But really, it climbed to 89° (hot girl summer!!), Marissa invited me to her jacuzzi, and her really hot, emotionally unavailable neighbor could possibly be there. Maybe. I’d invite you, but Marissa thinks you’re kind of boring, hates your taste in wines, and doesn’t actually know we’re still friends. :/ Plus, you’re hotter than me and I don’t want competition. 

How about lunch, say, 1-ish on Saturday?

11:14 p.m. – You’ll receive a barrage of half-intelligible text messages such as “omyjjgg”, “u should be here”, “i miss u”, and “fuuuuxxxx”. You will have no idea what, exactly, the reason is for these texts, but you’ll have the odd feeling these messages were meant for my ex. And you will be 100% correct because I will have struck out with Neighbor Guy and needed an ego boost, stat.


I feel like Saturday morning just doesn’t exist and breakfast, brunch, and lunch run until 10 p.m. It doesn’t matter if businesses agree with me—it’s just how it is.

2:31 p.m. – I’ll shoot you a text message explaining I just woke up and will have to push our lunch to 4 or 5. When even is the “lunch hour,” anyway? What if you work nights? Then your lunch hour would be, like, 7. I will not acknowledge we had lunch plans for 1 p.m., let alone that I missed them. 1-ish means any time after 1, after all.

3:52 p.m. – Marissa’s hot neighbor will text me asking if I’m free that night. I’ll have no memory of giving him my number, so only “Hot Neighbor” will pop up. I’ll text Marissa to confirm it’s him. Plot-twist: it is!!

This will lead me to make plans with Marissa for a makeover montage. In the end, I will look highly f*ckable but won’t text you any of this. Not even a cute dress pic. But if I had texted a pic, I’d tell you I looked like sh*t even though I’d know I really, really did not. <3

5:22 p.m. – Hot Neighbor Guy and I will playfully banter about where to grab dinner—it’s dinnertime somewhere, right?! I’ll want burritos, but he’ll say nowhere around here has a decent burrito. Traditionalists, ugh!!

7:06 p.m. – “Sorry, today’s been crazy. Connect at the end of the weekend?” will light up your iPhone screen.

10:15 p.m. – After a romantic bar crawl—we’re both fully vaccinated! Safety first!—I’ll go back to Hot Neighbor-Guy’s place. He’ll make us margs!! So sweet!!

12:47 a.m. – You will receive a solitary “fuuuuxxxx”.


n/a, am sleeping at Hot Neighbor-Guy’s until 4 p.m. and then brunching. Recovery day!! And then Sunday scaries. 🙁


9:17 a.m. – You texted me on Sunday, but that’s still the weekend so I’m just getting back to you now—you know I always get back to you on the first business day, lol! I guess we just have different definitions of when the weekend ends…..soOoOoOo….maybe next weekend we can get together? If you think that means the weekend that starts in 5 days, I definitely meant the one in 5 days and one week, of course. Love ya, girlie!!

Image: MATTIA /

Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley is a disabled writer who has written comedy for the New Yorker, McSweeney's, Playboy, Rewire News Group, Weekly Humorist, and others. She has balance issues. For more jokes, follow her on Instagram and Twitter.