young woman asleep at desk

We Need Everyone Back In The Office Immediately, Even Though You’ve Been Working Remotely Just Fine For The Past Year And A Half

By Sara Levine | August 11, 2021
Mascot

Share this sh*t

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: URGENT! PLEASE READ – BACK TO OFFICE DETAILS

Hi all,

We know you have eagerly been awaiting news of our return to the office—whether because you’ve been slowly losing your grip on reality and your house plant moonlights as your therapist, or because you’ve been waiting for direction on when to buy your return flight back from Florida. Either way, after months of vague holding patterns, we finally have updates to share (and you’re probably not going to like them)!

Unfortunately for the introverts and those of you who live in outer boroughs because we don’t pay you enough to afford to live in Manhattan, we do in fact need you back in the office as soon as humanly possible—even though we fully recognize that the company has not suffered in any way as a result of everyone working from home for the past year and a half. In fact, business is better than ever! Turns out, without the din of different departments yelling at each other from across the office, the lingering smell of microwaved fish, and the incessant clacking of fingers on keyboards, distractions are down, and concentration and productivity are way up!

Still, we need you back. Mostly because we already paid for a 12-year lease. Those Herman Miller ergonomic chairs aren’t going to pay for themselves! (Except we already paid for them using all the money we saved from the mass layoffs—so, in a sense, they did pay for themselves.)

Our first day back will be the Friday before Labor Day! We, of course, want to be reasonable with our expectations, which is why you will only be expected to be present 4.5 days per week from here on out.

We know this is a big adjustment, but don’t worry, to ease you into the transition, we will be providing lunch for your first day! We will be ordering salads from We Only Do Salads, Nothing Else*. Please inform Community Manager Nicole, on copy, of your order by no later than tomorrow, 12pm ET.

*$10 maximum value. 2 toppings** allowed—including protein.

**dressing counts as a topping.

In more exciting news, we are thrilled to announce that, thanks to the additional funds freed up in the budget, we are proud to offer snacks! FREE plain Lay’s potato chips*** will be available Monday-Friday****

***the unruffled kind.

****while supplies last.

We know you’re probably wondering if masks are required, and to be completely candid: we’re still wondering that, too. We will be closely monitoring the mayor’s office, the department of health, the CDC, and Dr. Fauci’s facial expressions in press conferences for more information. But plan on wearing a mask indoors at all times, even at your desk. Safety first!

As a reminder, our office dress code is professional-business-chic. Bottoms are required. Our official company policy is to not have an official company policy on whether or not bras are required, but if you have to ask, they’re probably required for you.

We can’t wait to see everyone back in the office!

Warmly,

Person You Will Not See Step Foot Into A Physical Office Until 2022

Image: Ani Dimi / Stocksy.com

When's Happy Hour Hoodie

$56

View Product

Not My Priority Mug

$20

View Product

Realizing Things Notebook

$20

View Product

"Working From Home" Wine Glass

$14

View Product

Read the receipts

Subscribe to our newsletters so you're not the only one in the group chat who doesn't know WTF is going on when we're talking about pop culture, politics, reality TV, & more.

Subscribe
See More