If you thought that drinking 40s was left to your high school partying days (you know, before your metabolism went to shit), then think again because 40s of rosé are now totally a thing, and just in time for summer. A new company called Forty Ounce Wines (very creative naming) has released a new 40s of rosé that they claim are “organically farmed, spectacular tasting, large format wines.” They currently offer two types of wines, Muscadet (a French white) and rosé, which is obvi the star of the show. Honestly this opens up so many possibilities for white girls everywhere. Like, is doing Edward 40 Hands going to come back into our lives like it’s 2005 again? Will you start seeing groups of white girls in Lululemon standing on street corners and pouring out a little bit of rosé for the basic bitches we’ve lost? Only time will tell.
This is obviously going to become a staple of the summer. What better way to walk into a party and establish that you are the HBBIC (head basic bitch in charge) than to have one, dare I say, TWO pink 40s full of sweet pink alcohol? Anyone who sees that and questions your dedication to basic-ness is seriously disturbed. All you’d have to then is start talking to anyone who will listen about how you ordered a big salad at Cheesecake Factory yesterday and find a way to casually display the little star tattoo on your foot and you’ll probably be appointed to the ICBA—International Council On Basic Affairs.
Obviously, you’re going to need time to adjust to this important wine development. How does this stack up in comparison to the 250k other ways you already know of to consume rosé? Should you convert to rosé 40s only, or should you attempt to maintain even some semblance of dignity in your life? Here are all the various ways one can consume rosé, to ensure that you pick the best one for your personal, and very basic, lifestyle:
1. Buy It By The Bottle
So, this is a no brainer. If you want rosé, you could always just buy a bottle of rosé. It’s a fairly simple concept. Of course, one bottle of rosé does not traditionally go a long way. I mean, I think we all know that one person can consume a bottle of rosé fairly easily over brunch (and go on to have a pretty fucked up Sunday afternoon) so remember that if you’re planning to share your stash, more than one bottle will likely be necessary. You could also buy one of those giant bottles, but then you’ll need to make sure you have an SO or some sad-ass friendzoned guy friend around to carry it for you. What if you reach for your phone to answer an important text and drop it? Then there’s no rosé for anyone, and that’s a goddamn tragedy.
2. Subscribe To A Rosé Delivery Service
If you love rosé and are the laziest person on the face of the Earth, you can have rosé delivered directly to your door, and the best part is that the bottles are “magnums” meaning that they are equal to two normal size bottles of rosé. Membership to The Summer Water Societé is a very bougie way of letting people know that you are devoté to the church of rosé, and must have access to it at all times. Also, each month they send you cool swag like Societé hats, water bottles, and beach towels so everybody knows where you stand when it comes to drinking pink wine.
3. Get Into Boxed Rosé
Move the fuck over Franzia, because boxed rosé is here and it’s actually like, kind of good. Two companies, Les Vignerons d’Estézargues and VRAC will provide you with boxes of rosé all the way from France for around $30. That’s basically spending $30 on four really good bottles of rosé, despite the fact that they do come in a box and look like hobo wine you made under your bed. Buying this boxed rosé is a great way to signal to your friend group that, when it comes to your most beloved wine variety, you are more about quality than appearing like you have any respect for yourself.
4. Casually Sip Rosé From A Can
If you’ve ever wanted to spend an entire day low-key sipping on rosé without having to carry a bottle (or a box) around with you, canned rosé is the way to go. Uncorked offers a 4 pack of Seven Daughters rosé for just $17.99, which is a steal when you realize that each can is equal to two glasses of rosé. The cans are also very sleekn and kind of look like energy drinks, so you could totally sip them in public next to a police station and nobody would notice. Not that we’re saying you should do that, but also you should totally do that.
5. Be That Person With A 40 Ounce Wine
As we previously discussed, 40s of rosé are now an option, and if you want to claim the “40 Ounce Rosé Girl” title for yourself, then by all means do so. Just be sure to figure out how you’ll eventually explain all the pics of you double fisting wine 40s to your children.
6. Make Your Own
If you’re one of those DIY betches with the ability to actually complete a Pinterest project, a make your own rosé kit may be right for you. The bag claims that the kit makes over 30 bottles of wine in just one hour, which is a fuckton of rosé until you consider that only the most advanced DIY-er will probably walk away from this project with thirty drinkable bottles. For those of us who can barely follow microwave popcorn instructions, the make-your-own-rosé kit will most likely result in a very questionable looking pink goo that will end up killing your friend Becca when she gets drunk enough on store bought rosé to try it.