On Tuesday July 20, Jeffrey Bezos made history when he became the first man to drop $2.54 million a minute to prove that no, he’s not handling his divorce very well. Seemingly pumped with more injectable dermal filler than a Kardashian sponcon post, the richest man in the world put on a little cowboy hat and climbed aboard a dildo-shaped rocket to take a suborbital flight to the edge of space. Yes, the edge. Even Daddy Amazon can only afford to get to second base with space.
While calling Bezos an astronaut is only about as factual as referring to girls who sell Rodan and Fields as “small biz owners,” there’s one thing that nobody can take away from him: he’s really going all out for this whole post-divorce, midlife crisis thing. Until now, the leading legend for aging, newly-single celebrity men was Ben Affleck. It seemed nobody would ever be able to upstage his massive phoenix back tattoo or the moment someone was seen throwing a cardboard cutout of his ex, Ana de Armas, into a trash can outside of his home. Yet somehow, Bezos did just that. Instead of taking the easy route and simply hashing out his inner demons in private with a licensed professional, Bezos continued his 57-year streak of refusing to read the room, took one look at his insane pile of money and thought, “How could this $188 billion dollars possibly make me feel better?” And even in a world in which there are plenty of flashy toys for men in a midlife crisis to choose from (Did you know Neiman Marcus has an $11 million motorbike that would be fully appropriate for a billionaire to purchase in a moment of emotional disarray? No? You’ve been busy paying taxes and worrying about whether the ocean is on fire because you sometimes use plastic straws? Got it), Bezos concluded that pedestrian consumerism would not be the solution here. It’s almost like he heard Blair Waldorf say, “Whoever said money doesn’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop,” and remembered that even after the purchase of a $500 million superyacht that’s accompanied by a slightly smaller emotional support yacht, he’s miserable. Clearly, he had no choice but to literally leave the planet in pursuit of a little retail therapy.
Unfortunately, Bezos wasn’t even the first billionaire to take a little spin in the sky this month. Richard Branson actually beat him to the punch on July 11, and honestly, I can sympathize with Bezos on this one. Just last week I arrived a few minutes late to brunch, and was really feeling myself until I rolled up and realized that another girl who got there before me was wearing the same exact Hill House Nap Dress as I was. Sure, I got plenty of compliments, but praise just hits different when you know someone else is getting it, too! I can only imagine that was a hard pill to swallow for a man whose entire life has been a Dr. Evil cosplay.
In what I can only assume was a last-minute scramble to make his space outing seem more important than any other billionaire’s could ever be, Bezos decided to put a charitable spin on the whole thing. (As if we all haven’t heard that one before. Everyone knows you can throw a way more legit sorority mixer when you tell campus police it’s actually a philanthropy event.) In an interview with NBC News, Jeff suggested we put polluting industries in space to avoid damaging Earth anymore than we already have. To the untrained ear, that may seem innovative, but real ones will recognize that this concept is actually completely ripped from the episode of Spongebob Squarepants in which Patrick Starr yells, “We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else” as a solution to avoiding the Alaskan Bull Worm that is tearing through town. Life imitates art, man. But don’t worry, Bezos didn’t totally lose his villainous edge, and at one point thanked underpaid Amazon workers who don’t even get proper bathroom breaks for funding the excursion. Has Andy Cohen heard of this guy? Because if Erika Jayne is forced to depart from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills amid her legal troubles, I think Bezos could be a great shoe-in. It’s XXpen$ive to be him!
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