Wash Your F*cking Hands: Weekly Horoscopes March 9-13

Mercury is out of retrograde, so it’s time to switch to blaming our problems on another invisible force: COVID-19. That’s right folks, the Full Moon is in Virgo, the stocks are in freefall, and the whole world is in a state of panic over coronavirus. Luckily for us, Virgo is literally the sign of washing your hands thoroughly, so we should all be fine. Right? Right?!?!


Time to awaken from your winter depression slumber, Aries! Finally, you’re ready to pull back the covers and go out into the world, just as the CDC is telling everyone to stay the f*ck inside. So yeah, the clurb might be a little dead this week. But I’ve heard the grocery store is poppin’!


Are you famous, Taurus? Because with a full moon in Virgo you might as well be. This week everyone is literally obsessed with you. Your ‘grams are getting a million likes. And don’t be surprised if you make some new connections with important individuals. But for the love of God—no matter who you meet this week—don’t shake their hands.


It’s time for a little spring cleaning, Gemini! The Full moon in Virgo is pushing you to revamp your domestic situation, whether it be by deep cleaning the common areas (yes, dusting is still a thing in 2020) or doing a complete redesign. You never know when your apartment will go from “place you want to be all the time” to “place you have to be all the time because of a government-mandated quarantine.”


You’re feeling restless and bored this week, Cancer. But hey, at least it isn’t flu-like symptoms. While an elaborate adventure is probably out of the question (though I’ve heard there are some pretty sick deals on cruises), you can still get out there and do something. Find something fun to do, but it doesn’t have to be elaborate. And definitely avoid crowds.


The Full Moon in Virgo means money moves for you, Leo! This week shines a spotlight on your long-term financial health. Take a good, hard look at your budget and financial future, and see where things may need to be fixed. You can’t save the global economy from collapsing over coronavirus, but you can save a little bit of your paycheck in a cash pile under your mattress just in case.


With the Full Moon in your sign, there is nothing you can’t do. Time to step into the spotlight. Virgos can sometimes be content to hang back and let others take credit for their work, but this week you are reclaiming your time. Which is perfect, because we really do need people emulating your perfect hand-washing skills.


Rest up, Libra! This week you’re in the mood to chill hard. In fact, the universe is demanding it. You’re not going out after work this week, so cancel those plans now. Coronavirus is literally the perfect excuse to hole up in your apartment and not see anyone for a week.


I know social distancing has already been your move for most of winter, but this week it’s time to rejoin society. You’ve been missing your crew lately, so it’s time to finally get the band back together and initiate a group hang. Preferably at someone’s apartment, where you can avoid public spaces and make sure everyone is washing their hands.


The Full Moon in Virgo is lighting up your house of career ambition this week, Sagittarius, so even if you’re working from home, it’s no reason to slack off. Use this career-focused energy to really make a good impression on your boss, while all your coworkers have clearly muted Slack and gone for a 2pm nap.


This week has you feeling like an influencer, Capricorn, as self-promotion becomes the name of the game. You’re having no problem getting your message out there, and the world is ready for what you have to say. Let’s hope it has something to do with techniques to avoid touching your face. 


Typical Aquarius. You’re ready to go deep with your friends and loved ones this week. No surface-level conversations here! This week, you’ll find small talk particularly unbearable, and will be way more interested in asking people life’s deepest questions, like whether or not they believe free will exists, and what they put in their contagion survival kit. 


Virgo’s influence over the Full Moon may be making you hold your partner to a bit too high of a standard this week, Pisces. No one is a mind reader, no matter how much you wish they were. That’s why you’ve gotta tell your partner when you need them to grab Purell from the grocery store, not just hope they get the hint based off how much you keep staring at their hands.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.