The Betches’ VMA Fashion Breakdown

The VMAs, or the Big Ass convention brought together the likes of Nicki, J-Lo, ‘Yoncé, Iggy, Kimmy K, Amber Rose, and Chris Brown, the biggest ass of them all. Every outfit was business on the top, like Beyoncé and Nicki’s turtle necks, and party on the bottom with fabrics holding on to butts for dear life, or just busting apart completely in Amber Rose’s case. On the one year anniversary of Miley’s infamous twerk, even Taylor Swift had to reminisce at it. The VMAs signaled that no matter how frail and pasty you are, this award show will welcome you and your backside with open arms.

Miley Cyrus

Miley’s VMA look: sponsored by Hefty garbage bags. This is pretty tame, though, for a woman who put an oversized foam finger up herself last time. I don’t hate this like at all.

Kim Kardashian West

This is how I imagine the process of Kim’s getting red carpet ready: Kanye puts the clothe on, and Kris takes off as much as possible. Tonight, it was a winning combination. 

Kendall and Kylie

Kylie solidifies her place as the Solange of the duo. Kendall figuratively and literally wears the pants, and Kylie got her shift covered at Hot Topic to be here tonight.

Charli XCX

Reached for comment, Tony the tiger said, “My bae looked grrrreat.”

Nicki Minaj

Minaj had this picture destroyed for not meeting brand image: full bare ass squatting, head turned over one shoulder.

Demi Lovato

We all thought that Jay Z and Beyonce were getting a divorce but really it must be Demi Lovato’s boobs. The press release reads, “they’ve just grown apart”

Jenny from the Block

….and by block we mean ritzy avenue where the Jacob the Jeweler’s store is.

Ariana Grande

Bratz Doll, To Catch A Predator Edition. Chris Hansen will personally deliver this doll to your house along with a curtained van and a bag of “candy”. 


What’s distracting from this futuristic getup is the Renaissance-style selfie on her arm. One arm in the past, one body in the future.


This is what Solange’s dojo master recommended she wear, something roomy for maximum fighting flexibility. Not pictured: Black belt

Chris Brown

Inmate 54318, would have worn what he had on last night but he had to turn it in as evidence. Odds are Brown never wore those shoes for running, but at least he’s considering it. Kind of like when I wear yoga pants to my first class.

Katy Perry

The main viewers of this show and Katy’s only fan have no idea what the JT-Britney thing is she’s referencing. “The kids these days” just think Britney Spears is a professional Woody the Woodpecker impersonator and “that sad lady my mom saw in Vegas.

Taylor Swift

Swift was running late from gymnastics and didn’t have time to change out of her leotard. Her floor routine wasn’t great, but she did find material for her next song.

Amber Rose

Is this like one of those times when Wiz tells her it’s a costume party and then she shows up and no one else is in a costume? This is literally the only thing that fits her right now.

Jordin Sparks & Jason Derulo

The world’s most annoying virgin Jordin Sparks and lyrical poet “Wiggle, Wiggle” author Jason Derulo look like the end of the line at Diddy’s white party.


Can you critique perfection? Beyonce looks so calm here before she changes our lives yet again.

Blue Ivy

How many thirsty mom’s are rushing Gymborees nationwide trying to find this dress. The only difference is literally everything.





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