Last night was the annual Victoria’s Fashion Show, so naturally every breathing human grabbed the nearest alcoholic beverage, sat on the nearest surface close to a television, and watched the world’s most beautiful people (and Ed Sheeran) walk in a line. But what a glorious line it was.
Let’s recap the show that makes every girl go home, weigh themselves, and cry, shall we? The show starts by introducing some of the more prominent Angels, AKA the ones that get invited to Taylor Swift’s dinner parties.
One Angel is named “Martha,” which makes me wonder if they are trying to appeal to an older demographic (since that’s my grandma’s name) or if they completely gave up on the idea of stage names.
There is also another one named Elsa. I have no idea if that’s a stage name or not but it’s all a little coincidental to me. Fuck you Elsa.
Show starts and after about three fucking angels, you already hate yourself.
One Angel gets giant shoulder pads instead of wings and you know she is trying so hard to hold in tears. Why did they make me look like a sexy football player? Why does Elsa get all the pretty wings?!
Trying to blackout? Take a shot for every model that blows a kiss to the crowd. It’s literally all they do. Besides dance to the songs on the way backstage. Look at me! Dancing so normal and dorky! Aren’t I cute and normal?! AREN’T I?
The models can’t believe “all these fans came for us!” Really bitch? You model underwear for a living – of course you have fans. Half of them have been wards of the state at one point. She acts like they all host a cooking show or something.
Take another shot for the words “best friend” and “Taylor Swift” being dropped in a sentence by an Angel. WE GET IT. You guys fired an Angel last year because she pissed off TSwift, and now you’re all kissing ass. Really. We get it.
Oh look, Taylor Swift is on stage. *drink
Why are there two pink furbies attached to Taylor’s heels?
What’s with all the awkward reaching by Taylor? The models are like wtf is this bitch doing trying to touch me and Taylor is like you better reach your arm out to me and gaze into my eyes.
Ed Sheeran comes on because Taylor Swift is the casting director of this whole show.
The models show us how to self inflict whiplash through some violent hair flips. If they aren’t blowing kisses, they are attempting to master the art of high fiving and walking at the same time. Just look at her elbow, and then follow through. Yeah, you can do this, Adriana. Clearly, being a multi-tasker is not a requirement to be an Angel.
Oh goodie, Ariana Grande is on. Maybe we’ll see where that hilarious meme comes from. Ya know the one where she got hit by a Victoria’s Secret Angel’s wings? I can’t wait, I….hold up. They fucking cut it out. This is America, not North Korea. Censorship of the media is a serious fucking issue. This is an outrage. They probably cut it because it’s not Ari’s good side.
Oh look, it’s a medley of the three Ariana Grande songs that have any relevance ever. Let’s just cram this whole girl's career into a 3 minute segment.
The VS Pink Line models come out – AKA the second string of Victoria’s Secret. I’m sure Martha is in there.
Hozier, the current one hit wonder comes on. He’s looking around like, look ma, we made it. Hold on to this moment Hoizer. Goyte had a good one hit wonder too. And now, they are just somebody that we used to know.
Look at us dance like goofballs! And sing to this alternative song! We are JUST like you! – All models walking while Hozier plays.
WHY IS KENDALL JENNER IN ONE OF THE SEGMENTS? WHY KENDALL. Holy fuck, that girl is the herpes of the modeling world, she never goes away.
Karlie Kloss gets her own little segment, brought to you in part by Taylor Swift.
Karlie talks about how much she loves ballet, but everyone DGAF. What’s weirder is that the entire next section has literally nothing to do with ballet. That’s four minutes of pointlessness that I will never get back.
Oh look, Taylor Swift is back again. *kills bottle of alcohol.
At least she looks somewhat hot and isn’t wearing some fucking Keds.
Basically, if you wanted to watch a Taylor Swift concert with a bunch of hot people walking by, you should have been watching the VS Fashion Show.
Also, anyone take notes of all those amazing underwear pieces? Right. Who are we kidding? We’re hammered and drowning in our own self-loathing.