When your Monday night feels like Sunday, you know you’re in for a f*cked up week, Vanderpump fam. Last week, we saw the triumphant return of James Kennedy, and by triumphant, I mean he’s barely holding it together. He’s like, one sip of tequila and wrong look from Katie away from a full-on meltdown. Also last week, Scheana apologized to Dayna for treating SUR like it’s an incoming sorority pledge class, and that’s more or less all the important stuff that happened.
So this week, Lisa and Ken are in the car and Lisa brings up the whole issue with Jax and Brittany’s pastor. Damn, I forgot that had happened and I wondered when they were going to shoehorn this into the season. Well, strap in everybody, and I don’t mean because Ken is driving—it’s because this is about to be the plot of the ENTIRE episode. So if you were tired of talking about it, just freakin’ wait.
Lol, is Lisa really going to sit here and say that she knows Jax and Brittany’s beliefs regarding the LGBTQ community are similar to hers? Brittany? Brittany Cartwright? Brittany, whose own mother considered Jax doing coke (allegedly) and cheating on her own daughter (not allegedly) less offensive than the revelation that he may have made out with a guy a few times? That Brittany?
Beau is cooking for Stassi (love that gender role reversal for him) and Lala comes over. Beau even makes Lala a nonalcoholic Aperol spritz. For the record, that sounds disgusting. They’re talking about Brittany’s bridal shower, which I also forgot was happening. It’s like I got in a time machine to transport myself to the worst parts of this past summer. Ugh.
I love that the producers obviously did insane damage control when the news of Jax and Brittany’s pastor being a homophobic sh*tbag broke, like they’re going around to each castmember to be like “okay, now it’s your turn to break this revelation as if you totally found out about it independently by reading the news and we didn’t just tell you right this second. Oh also, pretend like you read the news.” We learn that Lisa called Jax and Brittany while in the very same car we just saw (why they couldn’t have shown that chronologically, I’ll never know), and Brittany said her pastor promised them he wasn’t homophobic and assured it was all good. Hahahah ok sure. He what he probably said was, “I’m not homophobic, but… homosexuals will burn in hell.” TBH I bet that Brittany just doesn’t know what homophobic means so she took his word on it.
And to prove my point that this is so transparently orchestrated it’s like the producers aren’t even trying, Stassi brings up the fact that this news broke 6 months ago, and that would have been the appropriate time for Jax and Brittany to respond. Not half a year later when cameras are rolling.
Furthering my theory that Brittany made a deal with the devil, she does an entire workout class with Jax and does not break a sweat. They discuss the pastor drama afterwards.
Lol, yikes, Jax’s take that, “I don’t care what you believe or what you do with your life, just don’t take it to social media” is… past the point, and certainly not going to age well. Can’t wait for the half-baked rage tweets that will come out of this sh*tstorm! Everybody’s gonna get blocked by Jax today.
His other comment, which is no better, is that he’s “not going to KKK rallies across the street, can you just leave me alone?” I do not have the time to delve into this, so let’s just move on.
HAHAHAHA Jax’s OTHER defense of this guy? “He’s not a bad guy, he’s a pastor!” Oh, Jax. Sweet, stupid Jax. Being a member of the clergy does not automatically make you a good person. Like, have you even heard of the Catholic church?
And the Bravo producers have earned their first Emmy of the night for showing Brittany and all the girls on Watch What Happens Live a while back, defending her pastor and saying, “I know him, he’s a good guy,” and whatever bullsh*t justifications people love to trot out to defend their beloved bigots. While every other girl (including Stassi, I see you) gives Brittany a round of applause, Ariana sits there visibly stank eyeing. This is the reckoning we have all been waiting for. *Grabs popcorn* Ariana, your time to shine has arrived.
Also, side note that Jax thinks the expression is “nip it in the butt”. Didn’t somebody f*ck this up last week too? Or was that on The Bachelor? All this wine and reality TV are impacting my memory, I guess. The things I do for you guys!
At SUR, Raquel comes over to talk to Lisa with her tail between her legs. After begging to not get fired, Lisa just writes Raquel up. Raquel gives the most pathetic puppy dog eyes as she walks away. I mean, I didn’t really think Lisa would fire her, not when James’s antics are just heating up.
Now, back at their place, Tom and Ariana are recapping the pastor drama, because everybody’s gotta get their #wokebae screen time in. It’s real f*cked up that everyone knows this pastor needs to go, but they are too afraid of upsetting Jax and Brittany to say anything. Then again, this group sees any sort of challenge or criticism as an immediate end to a friendship, no matter how long-standing that friendship is. Keep this in mind, it will be relevant later!
Dayna and Max are hanging out drinking wine, and Dayna sort of brings up a “what are we?” talk in such a smooth manner that I actually need to rewind this and take notes. BRB.
Ok, I’m back. Max agrees to be exclusive with Dayna, which is a good PR move for him in retrospect. However, I’ve gotta say: WHAT THE F*CK IS “EXCLUSIVE”? If any guy comes to me with that nonsense, he can GTFO. If I can’t call you my boyfriend but I also can’t see other people, what is the point? Being exclusive is a scam. Don’t fall for it, ladies!
Raquel tells James about how pissed off Lisa was about her ghosting on her shift, and oh my god I could throttle him for this. It’s like James doesn’t even care that I defended him last season! Ugh. After all I did for you
in these recaps nobody reads! He’s like, “you don’t just no-show to your shift. End of story. Don’t f*ck up at SUR again, or else you’ll get suspended and then fired.” Sir? Do you not remember cursing Raquel out for not no-showing her shift to see your ass hit play on a laptop at TomTom? And yelling at her to get there? Also, it’s pretty dark that Raquel feels like she needs to babysit her own grown-ass boyfriend to make sure he doesn’t go off the deep end.
As much of a human embodiment of Russian Roulette as James is, I’m kind of annoyed that we are still on this “James can’t come to any events” storyline. Like, it’s just boring and a transparent tactic to try to bully him off the show. Peter is such a joke claiming that the reason he’s not inviting James is because he’s Jax’s groomsman. Is everybody really so afraid of Jax Taylor, the man who does not know the word “worse”, that they don’t dare invite their own friends to their birthdays for fear of upsetting one of their guests? Is this what it’s like to be friends with Trump? Well, that and the parties with Jeffrey Epstein, I guess.
Andddd listening to James berate Raquel for not going to the party because James isn’t invited, while also berating her for not being convincing enough in her support of him, is giving me a serious That’s So Raven flashback to Jax Taylor, season 6. Gaslighting is not a good look for you, James!
Ariana came through with the realest quote: “Since Jax and Brittany got engaged, there’s been this embargo on questioning them.” First of all, there has always been an embargo on questioning them. Second of all, great usage of the word embargo. Snaps for Ariana.
Another Emmy for the Bravo producers for showing Stassi welcoming a gaggle of Disney princess performers while Ariana and Lala are discussing how Brittany thinks everything in the world is, and I quote, “all sunshine and princesses.” Actually, I wonder if she was fed that line by production. Ugh, I can’t trust anyone on this show anymore.
I’d like to take a moment to point out that Stassi wearing a fitted sheet to Brittany’s bridal shower is a mood. The mood is “tired”, but it’s still a mood.
James comes by to TomTom to pick up his check for DJing Pride. What, they can’t get this dude set up on direct deposit?
James brings up how he got disinvited from Peter’s birthday. Sandoval is me, questioning why groomsman status precludes you from being someone’s friend? Or going to a birthday?
At the bridal shower, Kristen goes over to Katie (they both look amazing, btw) to be like “hey so are you doing what I’m doing and faking our friendship so we don’t upset Brittany?” And Katie is like “actually, yea.” Dark. That clearly wasn’t what Kristen wanted to hear, because she gets all huffy and walks away. But… you asked. I don’t understand this response.
Oh, you can tell Sherri is f*cking steaming that they kicked out the pastor in favor of Lance Bass, but she can’t say anything because Jax and Brittany bought her her new face.
As horrible as James was to Raquel this episode, he has a moment of brilliance with the following: “they got rid of the pastor and got the gayest pop star in the world. Overcompensating and took far too long.”
Now, while this comment slaps, it is far from accurate. Has James never heard of like, Elton John? George Michael? Lance Bass is far from the “gayest” pop star in the world, but that aside, he’s right that this is some serious overcompensating from team Jax and Britt. Delayed overcompensating at that.
But Sandoval, Schwartz, and James admit that they’ve been seeing these posts from the pastor forever, and Jax and Brittany decided to bury their heads in the sand until the very last minute, when it was clear that social media had completely turned on them.
Okay, so we’re at Peter’s birthday party, and Peter asks Scheana why she’s not drinking. OMFG, poor f*cking Scheana and that montage of her saying a million and one times that she’s freezing her eggs so she can’t drink. If only people paid as much attention to Scheana announcing she’s freezing her eggs and much as we took note of every time she said whichever guy she was banging was her “best friend”, we might have finally retained the info that she is, in fact, freezing her eggs. BRB, gonna write this down for later.
The only thing I care about is Kristen doing her weird bragging shtick about how she’s killing it in life and “hits a home run every time”… as she strikes out at the batting cage repeatedly. Also, on the list of things that seem like a bad combination with alcohol: metronidazole (look it up), axe throwing, batting cages.
Lmao at Katie telling Dayna “you have to learn to sh*t talk at SUR, because if you’re not doing it, you’re going to be the subject of it.” This is like, the bitchy WeHo version of “you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
Over in the corner, Brittany is breaking down because people on social media were sh*t talking her bridal shower. Okay, like, that is mean. But that’s why I don’t read the comments! The ones on these recaps included.
Sandoval brings up the issues with “your pastor” to Jax, who unsuccessfully pulls the worst evasion tactic I’ve ever seen, being like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lance Bass is my pastor.” First of all, he’s your officiant. Last I checked, Lance Bass did not lead a church congregation. (But if there really is a Church of Lance Bass, sign me tf up.) Second of all, you know damn well what we are all talking about, so quit trying to be cute. Sandoval asks Jax why it took Lisa saying something for Jax to fire the pastor. Jax can’t very well say “well look the PR was destroying us” so he just gets up and walks away. Realllll convincing.
Brittany is incredulous that Sandoval would point out the truth (that it took Lisa saying something about the pastor for them to do something) and the camera pans to Kristen, whose “my Brittany” senses have been activated. Uh-oh. *Grabs more popcorn*
Stassi is pretty wild for saying Sandoval is trying to make them look bad when she kind of just said the same thing earlier in the episode? Didn’t she? *Scrolls up* she definitely did.
Andddd lmao, Kristen’s My Brittany senses need a serious recalibration because she grabs Jax and asks him, “is this about him trying to get James here?” Honestly, at this point maybe Kristen and James just should get back together. It would be a flaming ball of radioactive sludge of a relationship, but at least it would be entertaining. She’s clearly obsessed with him, so why the f*ck not.
Brittany is full-on screaming at Sandoval now, like worse than RAWT IN HAIL status. And it’s pretty wild to watch all these people jump up to defend Brittany when they were just talking the same sh*t like, 20 minutes ago when she wasn’t in the room! At least Sandoval has the balls to say it to their faces.
Sandoval appreciation comment, for FINALLY saying that it seems really dangerous to have a group of friends where nobody can speak up when they think that something’s wrong. Yes, Sandoval, welcome to what I have been saying for the past… five seasons at minimum. Nobody in this group wants growth. They just want to stop facing pushback while not changing their actions. That is not friendship, that is just a toxic circle of enabling.
Of course Stassi would take a screaming match as an opportunity to shoehorn a Game of Thrones reference in, to remind us all that she’s ~cool~ and ~alternative~ (despite watching one of the most popular shows, like, ever).
Jon Snow, somewhere, probably: Girl, keep my name out your mouth.
Underneath all the screaming is the undercurrent of the truth, which Sandoval is trying to get at but nobody is letting him, so I’ll just say it: Jax and Brittany don’t care about what their pastor said, they are only upset and frustrated because they got caught and are being held accountable. Jax, who has never been held accountable for anything in his life, including his many instances of cheating, is furious. Brittany, who up until this point has been above reproach by the cast (minus Kristen, for whom she will always be above reproach), is equally incensed. And it’s bad enough for them to be held accountable by the public, but now their friends too? That’s too much for WeHo’s Trump and Melania, and it’s also too much for Kristen, who I guess is like, their Steve Bannon? IDK who the Trumps hang out with these days. Kristen’s My Brittany senses are completely taking over at this point, and she screams at Ariana that Sandoval is not allowed to have an opinion. Okay Kristen, that’s just… not how life works. People have opinions on things, and if they didn’t, you all would not have a show. But given that all Kristen wants in life is a blank check from all her friends to wallow in her own self-imposed misery until the end of time, I guess I understand why she’s being this way. And also because she is desperately clinging to “My Brittany” for relevance.
These people are f*cking exhausting. Jax is such a f*cking idiot being like “Well I didn’t know that all preachers aren’t good.” Jax, you are 40 f*cking years old. That argument might fly with a 6-year-old, but surely you can’t think anyone with half a brain cell is buying that. And, also, even if you did think “all preachers are good” (lmao wut), you yourself read the offending Facebook posts MONTHS AGO, so what is your excuse six months later?
There isn’t one. Like I said, Jax and Brittany are not mad that their pastor is a vocal homophobe. They’re just mad they got caught associating with him, and they can’t just carry on without blowback. Sorry guys, but you can’t have your rainbow cake and take a dump on it too. Enjoy your cancellation!
Images: Bravo; Giphy (2)