We’re back on the joint bachelor/bachelorette party from hell (just kidding, it doesn’t actually look that bad), and I for one really hope Bravo producers won’t drag this out for two more episodes like they tend to do with all the cast’s vacations. Like, a two-parter is enough, thanks. Dare I say, this could even be shown in one episode if we simply refrained from rehashing the same storyline 5-7 times? I think we start putting a 3-rehash limit.
Last week, Kristen egged Brittany on to getting upset about a non-issue at the club (“Don’t Do It Brittany”), Lala actually came through with logic and reason, and Jax and Schwartz lied about touching strippers.
This week kicks off at dinner, where Kristen is trying to pull her whole “woe is me” card, and Stassi and Katie are just not having it. Kristen brings up the fact that Schwartz was “f*cking around on Katie” for years, and Katie’s only response is to tell her to go f*ck herself because comparing the two is like “apples and oranges.” I mean, if the apples you’re buying at the grocery store are completely round, covered in a peel, and orange colored, then yeah, that metaphor holds up.
My thing about Kristen is that she just loves to stir sh*t up, and the second it gets too heated, she pulls the “stop making this about you, let’s make this about Brittany” card. If you can’t take the heat, then don’t walk into the kitchen carrying an open flame to begin with. As they’re all leaving, Kristen tries to tell Katie (or Stassi, this is happening kinda off-camera so I can’t tell), “I know you guys didn’t wanna talk about this at the dinner table” and it’s like, then why did you bring it up and let the line of conversation continue? See what I mean? She can stir the sh*t but she can’t take it when it’s dished back to her.
Meanwhile, the boys are transforming themselves into old people. This is just as good, if not better, than the time they dressed in drag. Now all we need is for Sandoval to scream that Jax is a battered wife.
Ok, not gonna lie, Beau wheezing “my name is Luke…. And I love shoes” made me spit out my drink. New Hinge bio, acquired.
Back at SUR, we learn that Danica is managing SUR on Pride despite just graduating college like, 30 seconds ago. Okay, respect. She just graduated school and she is already set up with a good year of Instagram money? I can’t hate. What I can hate, though, is that Danica has got to be like, 22 and she looks like she’s my age. *Screams internally* Meanwhile, I’m still getting asked if I’m in high school. And I know what you’re about to say, and no, I do not CARE that my baby face and short stature MAY pay off when I’m 60. I don’t even think I’m making it to 60 with my current lifestyle! I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
In typical Lala fashion, she announces that everyone has to show Brittany her boobs at the strip club. That’s not usually the way it goes, but ok.
Ariana throwing ones in the air while yelling “I HAVE A MORTGAGEEEE!!!” is pretty much how I feel throwing money away on Seamless. But also, way to humble brag about being a homeowner in the strip club. I see you.
Katie tells Schwartz that Kristen is “cut” (from… the roster? Their friend group? It’s unclear) in a moment that I wish would rival Dorinda’s infamous “CLIP!” moment but falls short. Kristen, acting all smug in the confessional, tells Katie to grow the f*ck up. Which is hilarious, considering that Kristen is fully supporting a grown man-child with baby teeth simply because she’s too afraid to be by herself for 10 seconds… and also because in 45 seconds she will tell everyone to suck her cock.
Now Schwartz takes off his pants. Do these people know that you’re supposed to keep your clothes ON?? Leave the stripping to the professionals!
Katie brings up the Stassi event, and no. I’m f*cking tired. The event has passed, it went fine, I’ve moved on, the entire world has moved on, nobody on Earth gives a single sh*t, and I’d know because I did, in fact, survey every single human on Earth (most of them were like, “uhh, do I know you?”). Point is, I will not be recapping this for the umpteenth time. I REFUSE!
At TomTom now, I’m having major déjà vu because Lisa just went to SUR to talk to Danica about Pride, and just went to TomTom to talk to Max about Pride. Was any of this even necessary? Could we not have just tuned in next week to see who was managing without spending a good 10 minutes on Lisa separately telling the managers they were managing??!
Y’all: Say managing again.
Damn, James STILL hasn’t gotten his job back at SUR (when Lisa never even batted an eye at Jax’s coke-fueled rage fit two seasons ago), but the Toms are letting him DJ at TomTom. So, to answer everyone’s questions on where tf James has been all season, it looks like we will be seeing the White Kanye soon!
At SUR, Danica pulls Dayna aside to basically just get the tea on her relationship status with Max but disguise it as womanly concern. K. Danica tells Dayna that Max was seeing her friend Adriana, acting like they were in a relationship, and then he hooked up with her friend on her 30th birthday. Yikessss. Not gonna lie, when Danica first started talking about “her friend” who Max had f*cked over, I totally thought she was talking about Scheana. Lol.
After the strip club in Miami, everyone is wasted and Jax and Kristen are still drinking. Going off everything I know about those two, that seems like a bad idea. Kristen is mad that everyone else has a “perfect life” (at least I think, it’s hard to decipher the slurring), and says “suck my f*cking cock.” I’m beginning to think this is Kristen’s only insult that she has on hand…
And, I’m going to throw myself into the nearest body of water because Sandoval, Schwartz and Ariana are back on the book party train. Sandoval does something pretty f*cking dumb and lets Schwartz know that they technically broke a law by serving alcohol without any food at the event. Yeah, great thing to do on camera. On your national TV show. Better pray the state liquor board doesn’t watch Vanderpump Rules.
I love watching the Toms argue in full old people prosthetic makeup. Sandoval is going into a full-on rage, screaming in Schwartz’s face about how their “literal f*cking business is literally on the line.” Can somebody please tell Sandoval that it is never that serious? And if the business is in fact on the line, it’s only because his dumb ass just admitted ON CAMERA to breaking a law/rule/ordinance. Let’s bring his superiority boner down to a half-chub.
Omg wow, in a plot twist I didn’t see coming, Sandoval actually apologizes and tells Schwartz he’s 100% right. Somebody go check on hell to make sure it hasn’t frozen over. NOW can we never f*cking bring this up again? Please, I’m begging you.
The next morning, the hangovers are palpable. I can feel them through the screen, and my head hurts. Kristen has by far the worst hangover, though, because she’s got a fierce emotional hangover. She says that Katie “basically disowned” her, which seems both harsh and inaccurate. She’s not your mom, does she even have the capacity to disown you? Again I ask: Is it even that serious??
The next day, the group splits their time between the pool and the beach. As the guys are debating whether or not they’re drinking, a ten gallon fishbowl of rosé gets brought to their table. Aka me every single Sunday when I’m “only having one drink” because I “have to be home by 6pm” to “recap the Grammys/Oscars/Golden Globes/live tweet the Super Bowl”. What a trying life I lead.
Kristen is talking about her fight with Stassi and Katie and says “I would lay down in traffic for them, I would take a bullet for them, and I don’t feel that that’s reciprocated.” LISTEN, if you’re my friend, I would 100% offer to murder whatever f*ckboy du jour has screwed you over, but I’m not sacrificing my own ass. I’m not ride or die, but I am ride or kill.
Max and Dayna are hanging out, and Dayna tells him about the Adriana rumors. As Dayna even begins to formulate the name Adriana, Max immediately rolls his eyes and you can tell his expression is like, “ugh, not this sh*t again.”
Max’s defense is… that nothing ever happened? That he can kick Adriana and her friends out of TomTom? Oooo taken right from the Sandoval playbook! The bootleg apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, I guess.
But Dayna, don’t tell me you’re going to take this blatant, no-effort gaslighting! He didn’t even provide you with a plausible explanation! I know you’re smarter than this.
Later at SUR, Danica shows up and Dayna is there, so naturally Dayna does what you do when you see the girl you hate: tells her she looks sexy and she should always dress that way. Then in some two-bit Regina George bullsh*t, she thanks Danica for telling her about the sh*t with Max and ultimately says “but I talked to him and we’re good.”
As a woman, I’ve got to say that I’ve never once uttered the phrase “woman to woman”. And I feel like anytime that phrase is uttered, it’s never meant out of the goodness of someone’s heart. It’s kinda like starting a sentence with “I love you, but…” or “no offense, but…” I’ve seen Mean Girls, I know how this sh*t works.
Back in Miami, Kristen and Stassi start having a talk and she’s doing her whole “I know my whole ‘breakup’ doesn’t ‘work for you’ and it doesn’t ‘look the way you want it to’” and it’s like girl, give it up. That is not what this is about! The problem is not that your “breakup” doesn’t “look the way” your friends “want it to”; the problem is that your “breakup” is not “real”! It never really happened! For all intents and purposes, you are still with Carter, but still want to be able to get an endless supply of sympathy and “poor Kristens” from your friends. Pick a lane, because it doesn’t work that way.
Aww, Stassi telling Kristen that she loves her and is always gonna be your friend was… actually kind of cute. Have I gone soft? I think I have. I really can’t believe I am siding with Stassi or (*shudders*) Katie on anything. But I think we all have had a friend like Kristen at one point (or have been the Kristen) and at a certain point it’s like, enough is enough. Be with Kyle, don’t be with him, but just commit to one choice and be HAPPY WITH IT, FOR GOD’S SAKE, JESSICA!!!
Oh sorry for a second I forgot this isn’t my therapy appointment.
And with that, we’ve reached the end of the bachelor/ette party. I find it hilarious that for all two episodes we got about Brittany’s bachelorette party, we barely saw Brittany at all.
Next week brings Pride and the triumphant return of James Kennedy. I can’t wait for me to immediately backtrack on every favorable thought I’ve had towards him when he calls Raquel a bitch or whatever heinous sh*t he said in the episode preview. Oh boy!