‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: TomTom Is Basically Fyre Festival

What up witches and Wehoes, how’s everybody doing? (Honestly I can’t believe I’ve never used that intro before, it is genius.) I hope we’re all recovered from our Super Bowl hangovers and working on our summer bodies. Just kidding about that last thing. Who can think about your summer body when you’re still 75% buffalo chicken dip? Not I. Anywho, honestly at this point I write these recaps for myself, because each week I like black out in between Tuesday and Monday night and I have no idea what went on the last time I did this. *Skims my own recap; laughs at my own jokes* Oh right, TomTom started to come together, Scheana had a house warming, and Ariana and Lala confessed to the drunken hookup heard ‘round the world. Oh, and there was the world’s worst apology: “Raquel, I’m sorry I called you a twat. You’re welcome.” Never forget.

Speaking of sh*tty bars, which we weren’t but now we are, we open at TomTom where they are throwing a party despite not having water, electricity, or lights. Good idea to throw a party when your guests can’t even go to the bathroom!

Anyway, Giggy is me today:

I’m gonna need proof of life for Giggy tho.

In the car, Sandoval starts listing to Ariana all the stuff he has to do. *Spongebob voice* three hours later…

Sandoval: And we have to get the uniforms, and I have to make sure the garnishes are on point…

And so on and so forth until the closing credits roll.

Elsewhere, James is writing a letter to Randall to apologize. Here’s actual footage of this apology:

James: Randall, I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you.

Raquel doesn’t want James and Lala to be friends because she doesn’t like Lala. Fair enough, given that James is low-key obsessed with her. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend hanging out with the girl he was in love with, and for whom I was just a stand-in, either.

Schwartz comes over because James is DJing at the Daily Mail party. He is like, “I’m not gonna tell you what to do, I’m not a regular boss, I’m a cool boss.

It’s Tuesday again… I guess we only film on Tuesdays now… and Raquel is thinking of going to Girls Night. James flips a sh*t and leaves the room to go cry. IDK there’s something kind of funny about him getting angry and acting all tough and then coming back with his eyes all puffy and red. Like, “No I wasn’t crying bro there was just something in my eyes!!”

LOL at Schwartz being like, “James you’re a phenomenal DJ but you’re not a phenomenal drinker.” Ok YES, but also, none of you guys are phenomenal drinkers! You’re all barely functioning alcoholics.

Lala and Scheana go meet somewhere for coffee and Scheana can not even keep it in her pants when ordering a damn coffee from the barista. She is hitting on this man aggressively. Somebody get her a Gatorade.

Scheana immediately after sitting down: Wait what? Nobody told you? That’s so weird, I can’t believe that because everyone is talking about it.
Lala, internally: Bitch just spit it out.
Scheana: Adam and I had sex!

Actual footage of Scheana telling the world she had sex with Adam one time: 

I love that Lala tried to diplomatically tell Scheana to shut the f*ck up about her guy du jour. I think she actually did a very good job of telling her nicely. However, I hated that Lala spent 5 minutes talking about all the different terms she has for “private jet”. WE GET IT. YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS MONEY.

Girls Night looks lit. It’s Jax’s birthday and he’s 39 and that fact will never cease to depress me.

Guys, remember when this happened at James’ house?

James: You’re gonna go tell everybody I flipped out.
Schwartz: Nah dude I’m not gonna do that.

*Fast-forward noise to right now*

Schwartz: You guys wouldn’t believe it, James was flipping out and calling you all whores and was pissed about you guys stealing his night.

I guess on this show, nothing is sacred, not even your momentary freak-outs in the comfort of your own home. These people are f*cking cold.

Lisa shows up to Girls Night to give the Toms a terms agreement to sign. Wait so you guys have done all this work and there hasn’t even been a formal agreement?

Lisa: I would prefer to just have a 5% deal and a handshake

Oh so you mean a situation in which it’s the Toms’ word against yours? That’s not at all iffy.

Ok, not gonna lie, I kind of respect Lala taking a private jet for a two-hour drive. It’s like when I take an Uber for a mile walk. 

Brittany and Jax are talking about their sham marriage or whatever, and I just had this thought. If Jax Taylor got engaged at 39, does that mean I need to adjust my dating app settings to 40 and up? Sh*t, I think I might. BLEAK.

Anyway, Jax’s sister calls to wish him a happy birthday.

Brittany: Haaah Jenn-ayyyy!

Guys sorry but like I couldn’t not. This is the new rawt in hail! 

So apparently Jax’s relationship with his mom is extremely strained. She used to call him to tell him the story of his birth every year on his birthday (weird flex, but ok) but this year Jax just got a “happy birthday” text. Damn, I get more emotion out of guys I’m hooking up with but who don’t actually care if I live or die. Way harsh, mom.

TomTom is a mess. The ice machine isn’t working, the AC is broken, the signature clock doesn’t even work, one of the toilets doesn’t have a seat.

At this point there’s only one man who could fix this:

Andy King

Lisa has to pull the guys aside to be like “look don’t invite all your friends to the Daily Mail party.” How much do you want to bet that Kristen is going to show up and crash this? I’d bet my 401K… oh wait nvm Schwartz invited her. Honestly kind of a smart move considering she would take a lack of invite as a challenge. Except Lisa wants Schwartz to un-invite her. *grabs popcorn*

Lisa: There are certain things you leave at home and one of those is Kristen Doute.

Nobdody puts Kristen Doute in a corner. And by in a corner I mean her home when a party is going on that her friends are invited to.

Stassi’s getting ready for the party at TomTom and Beau is steaming her jumpsuit. Get you a man like Beau.

Meanwhile, at Kristen’s, Schwartz texts Kristen not to come. Kristen literally starts crying and throwing a tantrum. Let’s please give an Emmy to this producer:

Kristen: I had a few incidences at work but that was forever ago

*Flashback of her throwing a drink in James’s face 10 months before*

The devil works hard, but the Bravo producers work harder.

The party at TomTom is beginning. Scheana showed up in a crop top and Lala showed up in a pageboy cap. Yikes. However, I have nothing snarky left to say about the restaurant, it looks great.

What is equally great is James DJing from a closet upstairs. Honestly it’s perfect because then he can’t drink or interact with anybody at the party.

Lisa: I would say I deserve a drink but that would be wrong… I deserve to get slaughtered.

^Me after doing the bare minimum.

Schwartz has declared it a national emergency that they just ran out of vegan egg whites for the drinks. I just threw up at the thought of drinking chick pea juice instead of egg whites in my cocktail.

Schwartz running to get the “aquafaba” is the most initiative he’s ever taken in his life. He’ll be saying “I got the aquafaba” to anyone who will listen for the next 3 years.

LISA IS DRUNKKKKK YOU GUYS!!! I’m living for this. Mom is wasted!! She’s the cutest drunk ever. And before you say anything, I don’t watch Housewives so don’t you dare try to change my opinion of this.

Elsewhere in a corner, Stassi is having like, a manic episode to Lala: “I love girls trips and I love girls and girl time and I love girl talk” and… girl are you okay? Are you broken?

I’m truly shocked that Kristen didn’t actually show up to this party. This pathetic scene of Kristen eating spaghetti in bed with her dogs WHILE CRYING is reinforcing my sense of justice in this world. I have rewatched it multiple times already.

Back at TomTom, Jax goes up to James like, “You’re DJing in a closet? There’s so much stuff I could say but I won’t because I’m nice.” Oh so only Jax can make jokes? Because you know if James said this to Jax he would flip all of his sh*ts and get him excommunicated from the group. But James is letting everything go because he’s a little puppy, desperate to get back in the favor of this group of hypocrites. Notably, James turns down an offer for a drink from Jax. Jax is such a messy little bitch who lives for drama! He knows James is not drinking and he offers him a cocktail multiple times. That’s kinda f*cked.

I know I’m just being a petty betty at this point, but it’s kind of funny to hear Ariana gush about how Tom has always dreamed of owning a bar. Ah yes, I too dream of owning 5% of a bar. I know, I know, easy for me to say when I own 0% of any bar or commercial or residential property, for that matter! We end this week on that sappy note, and I know I keep saying this but next week looks good. Like, for real this time. *Crosses all fingers and toes* see you all next week!

Images: Bravo (3); Giphy (2); Netflix

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