‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: I’m Back, Betches

Shalom, bitches. Like it or not, I’ve come to reclaim my throne position as your friendly neighborhood Vanderpump Rules recapper. Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet did a great job while I was out living my best life, and I thank her for her duties. And to the one person who said I was cancelled, well, I run this website so I’m officially un-cancelling myself. You can never get rid of me!!! So you might as well learn to enjoy it. (Things I say to my boyfriends when they try to break up with me.)

This episode opens with Brunch with Billie, a new event. James shows up and Lisa is like “WTF are you doing here?” Weird how when Kristen shows up to the place from which she was fired, no one bats an eye, but when James does it, Lisa gives him the third-degree.

Stassi is starting #OOTD Day, a redundantly named fake holiday anyone who follows her on Instagram has known about for months. I mean, this seems less like a holiday and more like an off-brand Revolve party. But whatever.

Katie and Kristen show up to Billie’s brunch, even though Lisa has allegedly banned Kristen from SUR four times. Clearly they need a better security system at this establishment.

Billie: Ugh why did Katie and Kristen come here, it’s awkward.
Also Billie: *goes up to Katie and Kristen immediately to start sh*t about James*

Billie calls Kristen out for campaigning against James, and Katie calls Billie out for campaigning against Kristen. I’ve gotta say, it’s very rage-inducing watching Katie, one of the most hypocritical people on this show, accuse Billie of being hypocritical. It’s like they’re all almost with it enough, but they fall just short enough of realizing that they are all, individually and collectively, totally full of sh*t.

At Stassi’s #OOTD party, she’s like “I’m on my way to building a Lisa Vanderpump-esque empire but it’s basic bitch.” Okay, how is Stassi “I’m the devil and don’t you forget it” Schroeder the only self-aware one here? 

So I was right in my suspicions over the summer that Girls Night is replacing See You Next Tuesday. (I almost wrote an article about it at the time but I wasn’t sure. Now I know I should have. Oh well.) Anyway, Katie and co. are acting like the establishment of Girls Night is a major feminist milestone. Yes, this is what we all marched for on Saturday. This is what the #MeToo founders had exactly in mind: a lingerie party.

Lala says she’s going to the studio to see James, and Katie does her thing of “wow I can’t believe you’d hang out with someone who’s not on my pre-approved list of friends for you to have.” Yeah, I agree with everyone on Reddit and in my closed Facebook group: Katie is the worst leader of the group.

Lala, literally after Katie and Kristen play her into not wanting to go to the studio with James: Lala is no fiddle.

IDK girl, are you on the roof, being held by a milkman named Tevye? Cause methinks you’re a fiddle who just got played real good. (I haven’t seen Fiddler on the Roof so I’m entrusting Wikipedia to ensure that joke landed. Did I get it right?)

Stassi, gushing about #OOTD day: It’s so crazy that all these f*cking people are out there taking pictures of their outfits.

Yeah… welcome to Instagram, Stassi! That’s what we do here.

Omg watching Lisa literally PUSH SCHEANA DOWN TO THE FLOOR BY THE TOP OF HER HEAD so she can talk to Brittany has filled my bank account, cleared my skin, and fixed my sleep schedule. I live. I breathe. I was so excited by that moment, I literally didn’t even listen to Lisa and Brittany’s conversation. Sorry. I think it’s about that non-fight at the staff meeting that nobody cares about? I’m speaking for all of us when I say that.

In the middle of Lisa and Brittany’s convo, which seems to be going well, Jax comes up with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel to start a fight for literally no reason. I feel like this is peak Jax/men in general: involving themselves in something that has nothing to do with them when the women were doing perfectly fine on their own.

Jax: James could literally be setting fire to the restaurant and Lisa could be like “Well Jax, you thought about doing something like this once”

I don’t know why Jax thinks that this is a zero-sum game? Does he think he and James are mutually exclusive people? Are they horcruxes of each other, neither can be employed at SUR while the other survives?

Katie was complaining about Jax screaming about his wedding and said AND I QUOTE: “Bro, you have 11 months to your wedding. Chill the f*ck out.”

Guys. Guys. GUYS. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is richer than Bill Gates. The selective amnesia is so strong.

So Lala let herself get played and bailed on James’ studio session. Sandoval comes to play the trumpet instead. Here is some actual footage of Sandoval’s trumpet playing:

James: They’re all following each other like ducks. Who’s the duck. Duck duck goose. It’s a child’s game.

I think we all just got a valuable lesson in how James’s mind works. I was actually able to get an MRI scan of James’ brain. Here it is:

Monkey

So at Katie’s place, all the girls (minus Billie—this will be very relevant later), are making flyers to prepare for Girls Night. Lala takes her top off for the promo pic. Katie has nothing to say about it, proving she’s come a long way from Lala’s debut. Or she just really doesn’t want to f*ck up those PJ privileges. Either way. 

Brittany is STILL talking about the fight with Lisa. Like, why isn’t she over this? I’m over it. Lisa is over it. The ghosts of bartenders past that roam the corridors of SUR are over it. So here’s what happens next:

Everyone: 
Brittany: I’m tired of everyone waiting for Jax to mess up, I can’t do this, I’m leaving.

Holy crap, Brittany is losing her sh*t. I’ve legit never seen this. Did Brittany have too much pasta? I will spend the rest of my life searching for an explanation for this. It doesn’t make sense!!

I feel like if Brittany is going to go this ballistic every time someone asks her about wedding plans, she should just elope. Like, did I miss a crucial piece of information? Or is this the biggest overreaction we’ve seen since Jax’s meltdown at SUR last season?

Vanderpump Rules

We may never know. In any case, Scheana and Lala go to acting lessons together.

Lala: *invents a random scenario because this is improv and that is the purpose of this exercise*
Scheana: I just got divorced, I just got out of a relationship with Rob, who can hang a TV in under 7 minutes, BTW.

That’s not how this works, Scheana. That’s not how any of this works.

Ok so now they’re acting out orgasms, which I really did not need to hear. (I actually muted my TV so my roommate wouldn’t think I was watching porn in the common area like a psychopath.) But I did need to hear that Scheana never had an orgasm until last year. But did Rob make her cum in under 7 minutes? I really need to know. I will now be stalking Shay’s social media to see how he responds to that not-so-subtle dig at his manhood.

OMG I’m so excited, we’re now getting to Billie Lee’s Girls Night drama. *grabs popcorn*

For those of you who don’t follow these trash bags on social media during the off-season (you’re not better than me), here’s the gist: Katie didn’t tag Billie in a post about Girls Night, and Billie low-key accused her of being transphobic by insinuating that she wasn’t invited to Girls Night BECAUSE she is trans. I totally get why Billie would feel sensitive about this, given her past experiences, and if Katie and Co. had any modicum of empathy, they would apologize for making Billie feel that way WHILE ALSO expressing that it was not their intention to do so. But Katie Maloney and empathy are basically oxymorons, so get your aprons, because what happens next is messy. 

We get to Girls Night, and surprisingly, a lot of people are there. Noticeably, Sandoval is absent—he goes to James and Raquel’s to drink rosé in robes. Nothing has ever been more on-brand for Sandoval.

Billie Lee gets to Girls Night, guns blazing, talking loudly to anyone who will hear about how she wasn’t included in the planning of the event. Ariana and Scheana go over to try to comfort Billie/explain their side. Then Katie comes over, and it all goes to sh*t immediately. There’s a lot of yelling. It’s hard for me to recap, because nobody is speaking in turn, and also because I can’t focus on anything but the sheer size of Billie’s crazy eyes. For real, look at this:

Billie Lee

Ariana: I just want to bake us a cake made of rainbows and smiles and we can eat it and be happy.

At this point I just wish somebody would break the fourth wall and admit that this has everything to do with the fact that Billie isn’t a full cast member yet.

Billie accuses Katie of having/displaying cis privilege, and the girls are all up in arms about how that’s not applicable in this situation/a real thing. Strong words considering they admit themselves that they don’t even know what cis privilege means. 

Me:

Kevin Hart

And by “throw a pen at it” I mean “deny its applicability in this scenario while still claiming to be an ally”.

In a scene that will haunt me in my nightmares for decades to come, Katie gets the go-ahead from Lisa to do Girls Night every Tuesday and Kristen literally BUSTS IN to the one-on-one interview room, doing a full end zone touchdown dance, like “I WON!! JAMES IS GONE, BITCH!!!” In case you needed further evidence that this was NEVER about body-shaming or feminism and completely about the fact that Kristen can’t get over her past relationship, I present you Exhibits A-Z.

Vanderpump Rules

While still at Girls Night, Billie goes to Lisa to complain about the social media stuff.

Lisa: Maybe they have a problem with you that has nothing to do with you being transgender.
Billie: Katie’s always complaining about her weight, and I can’t complain about getting excluded for being trans. I can’t stop being trans, she can put down the food.

Yoooo WHAT???  Call me CyHi the Prince, because I’m so appalled. (Sorry I’ve been waiting to make that joke since 2010. I think it was worth the nine-year wait, don’t you?) Butttt yeah, “she can put down the food” was probably the exact wrong thing to say if Billie was hoping to garner support. And she does not help herself any more with the following comment:

Billie: She pulls her fat card, I’m gonna pull my trans card.

Ohhh no. Did you guys hear that? It’s the sound of any sympathy viewers had for Billie Lee vanishing before our very eyes. Can’t wait for next week!

Images: Giphy (3); Gfycat; TheReaper5055 / Youtube

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