Last week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules was glorious, if only because Sandoval called Katie a bully and I got to debut my Top 10 Billboard hit, “You’re A Bully Katie”. Thank you all for listening. Please be sure to nominate me for a Grammy for the 2019-2020 season. It will soon be added into DJ James Kennedy’s rotation at SUR!
This week starts off at TomTom towards the tail end of James’s meltdown. Lisa and Sandoval are trying to calm James down but he’s crying because he just wants to be invited to the trip. I mean, I can kind of relate.
James: F*ck that bitch, I hate her.
James!! When you say sh*t like that it makes it next to impossible to defend you!
James: How much more am I gonna get pushed down? I can’t take it anymore.
I guess when you knock James Kennedy down, he won’t get back up again. You are gonna keep him down.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Lisa tries to calm down James and stand up for Sandoval and points out that Sandoval stood up to his partner’s wife. Right, he did that… for about 30 seconds before going back to Schwartz with his tail between his legs. Next argument.
Watching James have a total meltdown and then ask Lisa “can I still DJ Billie’s brunch?” is like every time I would freak out at my mom and say I hated her and then still ask if I could go to my friend’s sleepover the next night. But my mom ain’t no bitch and she would not let that happen! Lisa does let James DJ the brunch. Not saying Lisa is a bitch, but I might be saying that she’s more forgiving than my own mother. Anyway, this isn’t therapy!
Lisa says this is James’s rock bottom. Ohhh Lisa. I am no psychic, but I have a feeling James is nowhere NEAR rock bottom.
Cut to Stassi’s house, where Stassi is freaking out about her book. Oh, so what, we’re meant to believe that she’s actually writing her own book? Two shots of Stassi sitting at a laptop won’t convince me she’s not using a ghost writer, but nice try!
She calls to ask for an extension and she’s like, on the verge of tears because she’s so scared of what her publisher will think. This is like, a total 180 from “I’m the devil and don’t you forget it” Stassi from season one. She’s… humble? She… respects authority? She… has a work ethic?
So the girls are going to Scheana’s, basically at knife point and bribed by the promise of leftover enchiladas they can bring home to their boyfriends. Bleak. No guys are invited but Adam is there to bartend and dodge Scheana’s myriad advances.
Stassi calls Scheana and Adam’s fake relationship “The most Scheana thing Scheana’s ever Scheana’d,” and I’m going to have to disagree. Scheana is, for once, not pretending like she’s about to marry Adam. She seems to have taken Stassi’s, mine, the general public’s advice and pumped the breaks with Adam (or at least pretended to). And yet she’s still given sh*t for it. She really can’t win, can she? I feel bad for her.
Kristen and Katie get in a fight about the drama that went down with Carter at Kristen’s party. This dialogue is truly the stuff of Shakespeare.
Kristen: You were an asshole.
Katie: Yeah because your boyfriend was being a f*cking d*ckhole.
Kristen: Do you know how many times your husband has been a d*ck to me?
This is beautiful. This is poetry. It could be a sonnet. Billy Shakes is rolling over in his grave.
Kristen comes out of this fight looking like a very sane and mature individual. Hey, I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day. She even makes the impossible happen: Katie apologizes!
Hold on, did that really happen?
Yep. Somebody call Al Gore; hell has frozen over. Climate change is more serious than I thought.
Kristen wants to, for some reason, talk to Lisa and basically strong-arm her way into an invite to TomTom for the opening party. Yeah, because we all know how well Lisa Vanderpump responds to being told what to do and being given ultimatums. Kristen, do you remember the last time you tried to give Lisa an ultimatum? I’ll refresh your memory. You told her, “it’s either me or Ariana” and she more or less said, “lol go take a nap”.
Watching James moodily unpack for his trip to Mexico is hilarious. It is me unpacking from every vacation 6 weeks after I get home.
James: I feel bad about what I said about TomTom, even though I did kind of mean it.
Lol ok, you don’t feel bad you said it, you just are annoyed that there are repercussions. James says “I haven’t met the devil yet but Katie comes pretty f*cking close.”
Me to all of you:
Oh here we f*cking go. Krisen comes STORMING into SUR in a cleavage-baring romper. Kristen, you should not have worn the same outfit that you wore to give Sandoval his mail after your breakup! But for real, we all know how Lisa responds to rompers—just ask Brittany both times she tried to apply to work at SUR.
Kristen is somehow mad at Lisa that she got full glammed up for the Daily Mail party, only to sit in her bed and eat pasta. Uh, what? You knew you weren’t welcome there, why did you bother putting on makeup and a dress?
In case you need a refresher on that mental image (I know I do), here it is:
I lied, I didn’t need the mental image—I’ve had this burned into my brain since it aired—but I just wanted us all to relive this great moment.
That was a fun walk down memory lane, but back to the recap. I love that Kristen, whenever she feels like she’s owed something, tries to claim people as her “best friend.” She refers to TomTom as “her best friend’s bar opening.” I’m sorry, which best friend is that? The guy you barely speak to on-camera or the ex you cheated on and then tried to bring a girl from Miami to confront him about cheating accusations while he was on the clock?
Kristen thinks Lisa likes her now because Lisa didn’t stop her from showing up somewhere she was apparently invited by Tom and Tom. Lol. Do we breathe the same air as Kristen and live on the same plane of reality? Kristen. Honey. Just like James’s journey to rock bottom, you’ve got a long way to go.
Britt goes to the doctor about her stomach issues. I think the craziest thing about this scene of Brittany at the doctor is how quickly Brittany is being seen. No waiting in the waiting room for 20 minutes because they’re running behind, no sitting in the room for an hour until the doctor comes back. Do I need to just start bringing a fake camera crew with me to all my appointments so I can get in and out? Anyway, the doctor basically, in not so many words, tells Britt not to go to Mexico. His exact words are “no alcohol, nothing spicy, no citrus.” Welp, that’s literally all of Mexico. Sorry Britt. You could try Sears?
Oh god, Lala is still trying to make a singing career happen. This should be good. To be fair, out of all the fake Vanderpump Rules singing careers, Lala’s is by far the best. But the bar is not exactly high—that’s like saying Lala is the hottest person in Utah. Oh wait, she probably is.
Lala seems like, overly emotional about James. She’s going full season 1 Stassi (somebody has to), saying that she wants to put her paws on him and drag him. And she calls James and Raquel twats. Again! Wait but didn’t she just apologize for calling Raquel a twat… and then did it again, totally unprompted…. so I guess she’s not really sorry…….
Jax is freaking out about his engagement party as Brittany is trying to plan said party. Helpful! I’m gonna say that I don’t think $300 for a mashed potato bar, for 55 guests, is that much. IDK it seems pretty reasonable considering mashed potatoes are a full meal as far as I’m concerned. Jax jokes about bartending his own engagement party to save money… I think what’s more likely to happen is that he’ll rob a liquor store to stock the bar with. Too soon?
Scheana seems to be the only one working to get ready for Billie’s brunch. Anddd like the soft spot I had for Scheana mere minutes ago re: Adam just dissolved when she tried to insist once again that she doesn’t want a relationship and also when she said this:
Everyone just needs to let me do me, and Adam do me, and me and Adam do each other!
OK WE GET IT. Y’ALL ARE F*CKING. This right here is why nobody believes you just want to be friends! (And why I take back what I said a few paragraphs ago about believing she is pumping the breaks.) I literally never talk about my FWB unless he’s being a f*ckboy; if I was bringing him up all the time every chance I got in casual conversation it would be a huge glaring flag that I want to date him. JUST SAYING.
Brittany is pretending to wait on Tom and Ariana. Sandoval is still making the motorcycle thing happen, and Ariana is trying not to just reach across the table and strangle him right there. Ah, young love.
Lol listening Sandoval blather on to the guy working at the DMV about TomTom when the man is more or less like “sir, this is
an Arby’s a DMV” is hilarious and also my mood every time they bring up TomTom on this show.
Lala pulls Billie aside. She is ready to confront her about some sh*t I forgot about. This came out of left field! *grabs popcorn*
I’ll try my best to recap this. Billie essentially is like “it’s nothing personal, I just questioned your character.” Is this about the Girls Night thing? I can’t keep up anymore. Lala, rightfully, is like “hmmm that is the definition of personal.” Billie brings up that Lala called her names, like trash, and Lala is like “well you acted like trash.”
I mean…. I guess then where do you draw the line at name-calling? Because you know if someone called Lala a bitch and claimed in their defense that Lala was acting like a bitch, that would not fly.
Billie asks Lala why she thinks she’s better than everyone. Ooh, I’ll take this: it’s because she has a rich fiancé who’s bankrolling her lifestyle so she doesn’t really need Vanderpump Rules anymore. But Lala is like “that’s called confidence honey.” Billie says calling people twats and dumb isn’t confidence. RT tho.
Back inside, things for Scheana started bleak and are getting bleaker. More bleak?
Me, 10 minutes later: Bleaker-er? Bleakest? More bleak?
If you can tell me what that is a nod to, in the comments, you’ll win a prize.
So! Lol Adam is so not into Scheana that he literally told her to stop sending him Snaps. Ok I’m gonna say this: I’m glad half the gang is in pretend therapy for the show, but Scheana needs that too. Homegirl has less self-esteem than a girl crying at a bar in the middle of the day. It’s not a great look. She doesn’t ask so much as TELL Adam he needs to be her date for TomTom and that she’s staying at his place tomorrow night. He DOESN’T ANSWER.
Actual footage of Adam trying to figure out how to say no to this probably kidnapping scenario:
Eek, Lala overhears (or a producer tells her) Raquel telling someone that Lala is “playing the dad card.” Oh here we go. Somebody’s gonna get popped.
Lala calls Raquel over. Ohhh boy.
Lala: Why did you call me volatile?
Raquel: I didn’t call you volatile. I said you’re not taking responsibility for the way you spoke to me.
Lala literally YELLS AT HER TO BE QUIET. Then she tells her she thinks Raquel has a screw loose. Yep, doing great on the “not seeming volatile” front.
Lala: I think that you as a woman don’t empower other women.
Raquel: And you do?
RE-F*CKIN TWEET, RAQUEL.
Lala: I think you’re f*cking pathetic. Shut the f*ck up.
Lala is pointing in Raquel’s face like this is a f*cking episode of Bad Girls Club and Raquel very calmly stands there and says “you’re about to poke my eye out.” This is like the dumb, white trash version of Gayle King sitting there calmly while R. Kelly nearly flips a table. You heard it here first!
Lala then calls Raquel a BAMBI-EYED BITCH (best insult of the show since Schwartz called Scheana a bootleg Kardashian) and storms off. Yep yep, Lala has gone full James Kennedy.
Raquel: I get that she’s going through so much and I can’t even comprehend but it doesn’t give her the right to treat people like this.
….Right. How is Raquel the “dumb one” and yet she’s like the only person making any sense?
Sandoval brings up that Lala is not going to get fired for yelling at Raquel in the middle of SUR but James would. His words, not mine!
Lala: I’m tired of people thinking I’m better than people. I don’t think I’m better than people. But I know when I’m above someone, and I’m above you [Raquel].
Those are… synonyms. You can’t just deny you are one thing by admitting you are a synonym of that thing. It’s like defining a word using that word.
Also Lala: I’m gonna say this to you. I’m better than them.
Ariana f*cking bringing the realness again when she says that Lala is going through something but she can’t expect people to tiptoe around her. Wait, are Sandoval and Ariana my favorites this season? Like, maybe. Wow. I never thought that would happen. BLEAKEST.
James goes over to talk to Lala. That’s not a good idea, bro. He says “I don’t like the way you were speaking to Raquel,” and she says “she should stop being a f*cking cunt.” COOL. COOL. Really, Lala? And you claim to empower women? HOW?
Me, making the same joke from a few weeks ago but I don’t f*cking care:
IS THIS YOUR FEMINIST??
Guys, Lala has actually lost her f*cking mind.
Lala: you’re just sitting there, glad you got to f*ck Lala. Congratulations, that’s the only successful thing you’ll ever have in your life.
FULL YIKES. Okay, so now I’m torn. On the one hand, Lala is being Satan right now. On the other hand, I really pity her. Aside from her dad dying, it’s so evident that her self-worth is solely derived from her vagina, and that’s deeply upsetting to me.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m ready to give a short dissertation. See, here’s the thing, I think, with Lala. I don’t think she ever intended to be a feminist, or a role model, and certainly not a feminist role model. She came on the show willing to take her top off for screen time and be unapologetically herself—which she did. Do I think she really cares about feminism, or knows 100% what it is? Absolutely not. I would be surprised if Lala is even aware that there are components to the movement that aren’t just about reducing the stigma of female sexual activity. I think Lala just came on this show to talk about how much d*ck she gets and how great her vagina is. She never called it feminist—we did. Was it refreshing at the time to hear a woman talk openly and without shame about her sex life? Yes. But that seems to be where Lala’s idea of female empowerment begins and ends. We encouraged her when she spoke candidly about her sex life in the past, so now she is just doing that. And now that we’ve built Lala up to be this “feminist icon”, she’s buying into the hype we created, invoking her half-baked idea of female empowerment about as often as she is on screen. She doesn’t stop to think that perhaps calling other women degrading terms for the female anatomy is neither progressive nor lifting them up, for one, or that feminism means fighting for all women—including trans women—and that starts with at least acknowledging that cisgender privilege exists, for another. But I don’t think she will, because I don’t think Lala’s feminism goes that deep—it is less about helping marginalized women and more about her wanting to do what she wants (and by extension, other women being able to do what they want) without feeling shame for it. Part of me thinks that’s fine, at least it’s something, and part of me wants her to do more. Because in her lack of understanding (or desire to understand), she contradicts her own purpose, and that ends up harming women. The deeper she leans into the role of “Vanderpump Rules’ resident feminist”, the more flawed and problematic this persona becomes. And that’s because Lala Kent never chose the feminist life—we chose it for her.
Thank you for attending my TED Talk.
Billie comes over to try to get Lala to leave, because SHE IS STARTING SH*T WITH EVERYONE WHO IS TRYING TO WORK (*cough* James Kennedy, Jax Taylor’s season 6 coke freakout), and Lala says “you’re not only boring to speak to, you’re boring to look at.” Okay, calm the f*ck down, Mormon Kim Kardashian.
Billie: Your dress is 1995.
Lala: It’s actually J.Lo from the Grammys and it’s one of the most iconic looks of all time.
This is a fact; Billie has swung and missed here. Hey, I just call ’em like I see ’em!
Brittany literally has to push Lala out the door, and Billie runs into SUR being like “Can we get this brunch started already?” Wait, brunch hasn’t even STARTED?? Y-I-K-E-S. What a day. What a f*cking day.
Images: Giphy (8); Bravo (2)