Can you guys tell I’m sick of this show yet? Well, tough. I’ll be writing a manifesto on this topic shortly, but it basically boils down to the producers trying to shove a bunch of unbelievable storylines down our throats. No, Jax hasn’t changed. No, we aren’t invested in TomTom. No, Brittany isn’t some perfect angel who is miraculously free of flaws simply by virtue of being Southern (sorry Britt, if you’re reading this). I speak for me, the people in a Bravo subreddit I read, and the people who comment on these recaps when I say: HEY BRAVO PRODUCERS. WE’RE SMARTER THAN THIS. I wish this show weren’t predetermined as to who is going to have a good season based on the season before like this is f*cking Calvinism and they’d just let everyone’s actions play out how they played out and let us, the discerning viewers, decide for ourselves who gets redemption and who looks like the asshole.
But whatever. I know I’m just screaming into the void here. This week, we seem to skip over the aftermath of Kristen’s party and open up at The Place That Shall Not Be Named, where Pandora is help getting this sh*t show together. Lisa’s dog, PUFFY, is about as riveted as I am by all this talk about POS systems, which is to say, the dog is lying face-down on the ground, asleep.
Sandoval skipped this very important meeting at the bar of which he is a (5%) partner so he can BUY A MOTORCYCLE. Sandoval somehow has 15 grand to spend on this thing he’s only going to use once for his entry into The Place That Shall Not Be Named. I have a series of follow-up notes. What is this, My Super Sweet Sixteen?
Ariana starts sh*t with Tom in the nicest and yet most passive-aggressive way: “I love how your mind works. We’re buying a house, you’re starting a business, and yet you really think that spending 15 grand on a motorcycle in the midst of all this is a good idea. Lol you’re so random I love you.” This is the exact advice Annie gives in Workin’ Moms (a show I just started binge-watching on Netflix, highly recommend) gives on how to insult your husband without him realizing it and simultaneously win an argument.
Sandoval is like,
“but we’re gonna ride bulldozers” “I’ve been thinking about this for like, a year.”
James is DJing at a night club called
Public House OHM which is ushered by women clad in fake leather corsets and fishnets. It’s a classy and modern place. Immediately, a random woman starts giving one of the triplets a lap dance. Aww, baby’s first lap dance!!
Sandoval: I feel like we need a bachelor party before TomTom opens.
Sandoval, you guys do NOT need another excuse to cheat on your significant others!! That’s just called Saturday for you all!!
It doesn’t appear Kristen will recover so quickly from her fight with Katie and Stassi, because Stassi is deeply and morally offended that Kristen saged the air where she was standing to cleanse it of the bad energy.
So the Toms really do decide to do this fake bachelor party and want to bring everyone to Mexico. How is Ariana not flipping a sh*t at them blowing even more money on a fake trip for no reason? Schwartz mentions that he invited James and Katie pulls rank (her words, not mine) and tries to strong-arm him into un-inviting James. But thank GOD Ariana points out how it’s absurd that nobody ever gets mad at Tom Schwartz for anything. He could murder a puppy on a LiveStream and we’d be convinced that puppy had it coming, because “it’s Schwartzy!”.
Kristen and Carter go on a date, where it’s revealed that on the first date, Carter told Kristen she could sleep in his bed and sleep on the couch, but when she got to his place, there was no couch.
Ummmm, this sounds less like the start of a love story and more like the start of an episode of Law & Order: SVU. And now that I think about it, I feel like Carter looks like a baby serial killer. Anyone else?
Kristen: Maybe I’m a giant pain in the ass and I need to find someone who doesn’t mind me being a pain in the ass.
Yeah, good luck with that one.
I audibly said “ugh, f*ck you Carter” out loud, when Kristen said “you need to be nice to me” and he essentially said, “whoa whoa whoa, why am I the only person who’s doing anything wrong? What about what you are doing to make me act mean towards you?” THROW. THE WHOLE. MAN. AWAY. Put him in the dumpster and move on.
Stassi and Schwartz, the most random pairing of all, go to some like, bougie medspa that looks like it was designed by one of Lisa Vanderpump’s dogs to go wax Schwartz’s chest. Ok but literally, the walls are printed with some Victorian-patterned appliqué that I found at Bed Bath & Beyond in college and the receptionist’s desk/podium is fake quilted and covered in rhinestones. Anyway, Stassi gets her vagina glittered while making some half-brained analogy to Game of Thrones. Did you guys know Stassi watches Game of Thrones? It makes her so quirky and interesting! She also likes murder!
Actual footage of Schwartz getting his chest waxed:
Yes, it’s low-hanging fruit, but yes, I had to make the joke.
Oh so what, when James get blackout at work he gets fired, but when Katie brings a flask and drinks it in the kitchen it’s totally fine? Oh, it’s a mustache flask, which somehow seems super on-brand for Katie given that it was a huge trend back in 2009.
Scheana invites Katie and the girls over for enchiladas and tequila.
Scheana: I just want you to check out my new spot. Ha? Get it? Like Adam, but not.
What? Literally nobody was thinking about Adam when you said that. And off Scheana goes into the pit, where she will remain for the rest of the episode, never to be seen or heard from again.
Katie confronts Schwartz about Sandoval inviting James to Mexico. This feels convoluted. Why not just confront Sandoval yourself? Oh right, because you can’t pull the wife card with him to get whatever you want. I mean I do think Katie has a point in that James has an issue with literally all the women in this group, so yeah, maybe he shouldn’t go. But still, it’s bleak to watch Katie push her husband around, and now I get why Schwartz responds to all confrontation with “Bubbaaa, chill. Bubbaaa, please. Ok. Ughhh” *fetal position*.
Schwartz invites Sandoval out to the alley to tell him to un-invite James. Wait they play back the tapes and SCHWARTZ invited James!! How did Sandoval then get stuck with the blame? I am truly confused. Right at that moment, Ariana comes out and says, “I have a bone to pick with you [Schwartz]. I’m really sick of watching my boyfriend be your mouthpiece when I know what you say behind closed doors.”
Now Katie comes over. Uh oh.
Sandoval is me, angrily drinking out of a glass outdoors.
Katie’s talking about how she gave James “so many allowances” and I’m just going to do my best to transcribe the rest. It happens fast, like a car crash, or someone fainting on the subway.
Sandoval: We’ve given you allowances, Katie! You already got him fired.
Katie: He got himself fired. Sandoval. YOU SOUND DUMB. [repeats “you’re a f*cking asshole like a broken record, thinking it makes her sound smart]
Sandoval: Hey guess what, I can say whatever the f*ck I want to anybody. Call them a whore, call them a piece of sh*t, say their d*ck don’t work, but if somebody calls me fat, I’m getting their ass f*cking fired.
Sandoval, have you been reading my recaps? I’m truly impressed. (Yes I know this is filmed way before the recaps, calm down, I’m fully aware.)
Katie pulls out the waterworks, and it doesn’t work.
Sandoval: You’re a bully, Katie.
Katie: A what?
Sandoval: a bully.
Katie: A what?
Sandoval: A BULLY!!!
Sandoval immediately goes running to Lisa about the above altercation, who, in opposite Lisa Vanderpump fashion, says she is NOT GETTING INVOLVED and they can sort this out themselves. Wow, she really is a changed woman.
The next day, Sandoval, with his tail between his legs, tells Schwartz at TomTom that James shouldn’t come. Then they draw straws to figure out who is gonna tell him.
The following day, James shows up to TomTom. This is going to be bad.James tells Lisa that Billie wants James to DJ at SUR during her brunch.
James: I’ve been doing anger management, breathing exercises.
Also James: *takes one deep breath* I’m a changed man.
Lisa provisionally tells James he can DJ the brunch with Billie on Saturday at SUR, but we know from the preview that he’s going to nuke this in about 30 seconds. Oh no. It’s a train wreck from which I cannot look away. James asks to DJ the TomTom party and Lisa says no.
Sandoval takes this moment to be like “now that we’re on the subject, the other night, thanks so much for hooking us up with free bottle service, but we invited you to Mexico and the girls were not down with it so you can’t come.”
James: This is f*cking bullsh*t. You guys are assholes.
Lisa: Take a breath.
He is losing it. He calls Schwartz a pussy and then says “f*ck your wife, bro.” I’m sure he would like to! Is that low-hanging fruit again?
Schwartz: *whispering* say it again, say it again, see what happens.
Yeah, I’m sure James is real intimidated, bro. Nice try! He calls Schwartz a weasel of a husband, which is the best insult I’ve ever heard since I read a tweet once where someone called her husband “a stale ham sandwich of a man.”
Just like that, we watch any hope of James’s redemption crumble before our very eyes as he continues to lose his sh*t, mere moments after affirming to Lisa that he’s gotten a hold on his anger. I’m beginning to fall back in love with this show again, and not just because I have my own fake song in my head.