‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: This Episode Put Me In Therapy

I’d actually like to start this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap by opening the forum up for discussion. How do we feel about this season so far? What about in relation to other seasons? Personally, I don’t think it’s great, but literally anything would be better than season 6 Vanderpump. I feel like we started off high and now we’re regressing into the same lame tropes. And also, I don’t for one second believe that Jax is a changed person. There, I said it. But I don’t want to spend all my time sh*t-talking the current season. Well, I mean, I do, but I should actually recap last night’s episode.

We open this week with Sandoval and James talking on the phone, and James invites Sandoval to golf the next day. Ohhh I remember the last time these fools played golf, and it ended with Sandoval and Jax ambushing James over whether or not he hooked up with Kristen.

James has the same reaction to Lala and Randall breaking up as all of us: “Ohhh 78-year-old boring producer breaks up with 26-year-old wannabe actress? That’s a shock.”

pretends to be shocked

James is really cementing his role here as the cartoon villain. Is that a good strategy for him long-term? Hell no. Does it benefit me personally as the viewer? Absolutely.

Brittany: Lala and Randall broke up
Jax: Oh my god she’s gonna have to fly commercial, what’s she gonna do?

How do the most toxic men on this show have the best senses of humor? Is there an explicit connection between those two traits? Let me conduct a study to find out.

And just when I had finally gotten over Lala’s bottle fetish, here they go bringing it back again by putting vodka in baby bottles and drinking it. Guess I have something to discuss with my therapist next week.

Wellll false alarm about that dramatic breakup, because Lala and Randall are back together. Also, I refuse to call him Rand. Ever. Lala is more happy about having her Gucci slides back than she is about having her “man” back. Yikes. Full-on yikes. 

Lala’s claim to acting fame is playing a character who doesn’t suck d*ck for Range Rovers. Let’s get this girl an Oscar! Move the f*ck over, Olivia Coleman—Lala played a prude!

At Vanderpump Dogs, Lisa asks how the vacation went. Stassi is really struggling not to immediately spill all the tea about how sh*tty Carter is. Is Carter the new Patrick? That’s what Stassi is claiming.

Tom and Ariana are talking about loans and buying a house, which we already know they did because we follow them on social media. On the one hand, I’m happy for Tom and Ariana for taking this step. On the other hand, it’s such a bad f*cking idea to own property with someone you’re not married to. And I know that because I troll r/relationships on a daily basis and have read just about every horror story there is on the topic. Good luck separating those assets!

Tom: I want to have a house with a lot of bedrooms because I want to have kids.
Me: Youuuuu f*ckingggg idiot!! How many times do I does Ariana have to tell you???
Tom: Would that be something in the future you’d be maybe open to considering?

Bruh

BRUH. NO!!! I’m probably almost as annoyed as Ariana is at this point, and nobody has actually even asked me personally if I want kids! I’m probably as tired of defending Ariana as Ariana is of defending herself. Except instead of just flat-out saying “no, you thick-headed jackass, I’ve told you this every year we’ve been dating multiple times since the beginning that I DO NOT WANT TO BIRTH CHILDREN,” she takes issue with the fact that other people don’t need to be asking Tom about it. Okay now I’m starting to see why Sandoval thinks Ariana not wanting kids is more of a suggestion than a hard-and-fast rule.

We’re 15 minutes into the episode, and if I had taken a shot for every time Lala mentioned she was going to a premiere for a film she was ~starring~ in, I would be on the floor right now. *Whispers into the void* it’s not that impressive if your boyfriend gave you the role and you’re basically playing yourself!

Stassi and Lala are discussing the fake breakup with Randall and also her fake relationship with Randall. Apparently we are meant to believe that Randall walked into SUR, immediately set eyes on Lala and said “that’s her—that’s the star of my sorority horror movie.” Then Lala auditioned for the movie, went out with Randall and let him “hit it the first night”, and INCIDENTALLY got the part! Wow, she must be so talented an actress!

Lala: The first night we banged I got a car the next day.

Ok f*ck it, I’m upping my age range on dating apps. Or do I just go full Seeking Arrangement? Not that I believe for a second that Lala got a car on the first night… but even so… the proposed career path is tempting.

Lala: Sometimes Randall and I will role play a not-at-all real life situation that is not even slightly applicable to our relationship where I’ll put on a wig and meet him at a hotel bar and pretend to be an aspiring actress who will do anything to be in a movie, like give blow jobs.

Totally. Totally. Hypothetical. Of course. Not at all autobiographical. Definitely.

I feel almost as bad for the poor hairdresser who has to hear Lala say “does daddy want to play with Lala’s asshole” as I feel for myself, my children, and my children’s children. *adds to the list of issues to discuss in therapy*

Jesus fix it

So James organized this golf trip as a way to prove to Lisa he’s taking concrete steps to better himself? How exactly does that work? 

Sandoval: Hey so can you guys stop asking Ariana if she wants kids? It’s making her not want kids.
Jax: So you’re telling me if I stopped asking about it, Ariana would be in a house right now popping out kids? I don’t think so.

The fact that Jax and James are consistently the most on-point and observant people on this entire show is making me question my entire existence.

Who am i

Kristen’s pulling a full Scheana at this girls outing, insisting her relationship with Carter is perfect and amazing and he’s pulling his weight. In two seconds she’s going to be saying that when he kisses her it’s like the first time!

Hm so what the f*ck, apparently Carter took Kristen’s ENTIRE WALLET when he went on vacation. Um, can I file a lawsuit on Kristen’s behalf? He really is the Shay of the group now. 

Katie is like, going off on Kristen like, “you don’t sleep in the same bed, he mooches off you, his d*ck doesn’t work, thank god he’s not my boyfriend.” Hmm where have I heard this before? Oh right, Katie’s “thank god I’m not pregnant I don’t even want to marry you” rage texts to Schwartz right before their wedding. What happened to Katie’s weed card? Feel like she’s not using it to its best abilities.

Stassi’s meeting Beau’s mother and she actually seems very nice? And normal? And well-adjusted? I am shooketh. I’ve just gotta say that I am HERE for season 7 Stassi! She is like, a nice person who wants the best for people? Love is a good look on her I guess. As is not dating a complete douchebag.

Brittany got her wisdom teeth taken out, and Jax is making a big show of taking care of her. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that the cameras were rolling.

Jax: I almost get off on taking care of her.

Yikes, that’s problematic in and of itself. Chill out, Dee Dee Blancharde.

Jax to Ariana: Hey I’m sorry I asked you about having kids.
Schwartz: *Takes 5 breaths from his inhaler*

I mean it’s a little ridiculous that Ariana will tell the lone cameraman in the confessional booth time and time again that she doesn’t want kids, but she won’t tell her friends, or the man who wants her to have his kids. Like, I want to believe that she’s talked about it in explicit English to Tom… but… has she?? Because from what we’ve seen this episode I’m not so sure anymore.

Beau’s mom is doing a relationship workshop in Kristen and Carter’s apartment. It is the height of irony. Or is it just fitting? I’m sure you guys will let me know in the comments if I’m using the word correctly.

She’s using way too big words like “reptilian brain” and “triggered”. Honestly, I don’t even completely understand what the hell she’s talking about, and I have an actual job and a degree. Like, is my attraction to emotionally unavailable men just my reptilian brain? Can I start blaming it for all my problems now? Because that’s what these people seem to be doing.

My boss: You’re two and a half hours late.
Me: Oh sorry, my reptilian brain just couldn’t get up in the morning.

Okay so FINALLY Ariana brings up that Sandoval should leave if not having kids is a dealbreaker for him. Anyone with like, two ounces of logic in their entire being would realize that this is an issue you can’t compromise on, because you can’t exactly have half a kid. So do they both realize that this is an incompatible issue that is probably a breaking point? Take a look and see:

Ariana: in 10 years we can revisit the subject
Sandoval: 

so you're telling me there's a chance

This is so f*cking stupid.

Ariana: This is so progressive of us.

NO IT’S NOT! It really, truly is not. You’re not being progressive, you’re burying your head in the sand and pushing your problems off for a date in the future when it’s going to be even HARDER to break up if you disagree on an issue so fundamental like having kids! Where’s Schwartz’s inhaler? I don’t have asthma but I need to take 5 breaths from it.

Meanwhile, Stassi and Katie ambush Carter about how much he sucks. Carter tells Kristen that they get into fights because Stassi and Katie are scary. Both of the statements I just made are simultaneously accurate. Kristen walks in and they all immediately start yelling.

Kristen: Please don’t yell in my home.
Katie: Right because you guys do that enough already.

Wowwwwwww, was that comment necessary? To paraphrase Katie’s own words, what’s it like having so much hate in your heart that when someone asks you calmly to stop yelling in their house when there is a party going on in the next room, you immediately go for the most below-the-belt insult you can conceive of on the spot, instead of just being like “oh oops sorry you’re right I’ll use my inside voice”???

Carter: How bad was it right before your wedding?
Katie: F*ck you, I’m out of here. Some people have amnesia here.

Yeah, the person with amnesia is the one staring back at you in the mirror! Can you really be this willfully ignorant? I mean, I know you can, because I’m witnessing it with my own two eyes and ears. And still, it’s putting me into a rage blackout. I’m starting to hate this show. See you all next time, if my hypertension hasn’t taken me out by then.

Images: Bravo; Giphy (6)

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