WHAT’S UP, F*CKERS? (I don’t know, seems like a thing Jax would say.) On last week’s episode, Krazy Kristen was emerging. This episode, she’s going to be all the way out, and I cannot wait.
We open back up at SUR with Guillermo’s meeting, which we already saw last week. I’ll just copy and paste my account from last week’s recap:
Guillermo is like, “I don’t need a DJ, I need a bus boy, but James keeps f*cking it up.” YIKES. Mans is SALTY. Get him some tequila and lime. Before getting up from the table he’s like “oh yeah and BTW I’m still looking for a DJ.” What about DJ Mickey? You mean Mickey isn’t killing it on the 1s and 2s during Spicy Tequila Tuesdays?
James bursts into tears and Peter is just like “kill me this is so awkward get me tf outta here.” RT, Peter.
After the meeting, James and Harry go into the famous alley. This time they’re not starting a fight, but rather, having a heart-to-heart. That’s new for this alley. So James is DJing at Pump…so basically he didn’t really lose his job, he just lost See You Next Tuesday. Unless you believe this conspiracy theory that states he’s back.
Jax: Did James and Lisa like bury a body together in the desert? I don’t understand why she keeps hiring him back.
Well for the answer to that, Jax, you could try LOOKING IN A MIRROR.
Jax invites Peter to guy’s night, and I for one am offended that he was not already on the guest list?? JUSTICE FOR PETER!
Back in Solvang, Kristen is off the rails. The girls go into a toy store and act like they have never seen one before. Stassi is like “Omg toys! Beau would cum in his pants if he saw this.” You know they have toy stores, like, everywhere right?
Lmfao that Scheana doesn’t know what to talk about with Katie and Stassi if she can’t talk about Adam.
I kind of get why Kristen thinks her friends are assholes to her, but I also get why they are picking on her, and it’s because she’s blacked out in the middle of the day and is saying “I’m tired I want to go home” in a different language.
So that’s happening. Back at TomTom, and we meet the new manager: Leo. In case any of you were wondering if Sandoval is the manager, he is decidedly not. What does he do again?
Sandoval bought some weird machine to freeze shots and brings it to TomTom and is salty that Lisa doesn’t think it goes with the decor. I mean, it doesn’t. But does your fridge go with the decor? No. It’s a machine. It doesn’t have to go with the decor.
They tell Lisa about the guys’ night and she immediately thinks it’s a bad idea (it is). The guys are like “no it will be fine, we have chastity belts on.”
Lisa: But Jax could still shag your girlfriend while you’re asleep.
Brittany FaceTimes Jax and he’s being a d*ck. Brittany is like “I’m not trying to be his mom, but I want to know where he’s going and what time he’s going to be there and I think I have that right given everything I’ve been through.” I mean, yeah. No arguments here.
Jax tells Brittany that James is DJing at Pump and Kristen LOSES IT. Brace yourselves.
Ohhhh so Kristen is mad that she never got her job at SUR back, while James and Jax and everyone else could commit theft and threaten people and still get to work there. Ahh so that’s what it is. That makes sense. The difference is Kristen never kissed Lisa’s ass for her job back and all these guys did.
Kristen: She’s giving him a chance again, suck my d*ck Lisa
Kristen, it was precisely you telling a woman to suck your metaphorical d*ck that got you fired the first time. When will you learn???
Kristen runs off and disappears and doesn’t come back by dinnertime. Should we send Lassie after her? Maybe she’s fallen down a well?
JK, she comes back just as they’re talking sh*t about her. Convenient. The girls are all like “why are you so obsessed with James” (I paraphrase) and Kristen’s response, verbatim, is:
Kristen: Of all the guys I’ve dated, nothing has infuriated me more than James Kennedy. They should just understand.
I mean, I don’t understand. I really, truly, do not understand. But I would like to! And so I keep watching, boats against the current, in the hopes that I will finally fathom why Kristen cannot let go of her relationship with James.
Kristen’s like “I can’t help emotionally” and Katie’s like “try to.” Katie, the poster child for emotional stability and rational reactions! If I could I would insert a montage here of her throwing drinks on Schwartz and telling him his d*ck doesn’t work.
At SUR, Peter is training Harry on how to stack dishes and bus tables. Why do I feel like that shouldn’t be his job? This and more, next time on “Everything About This Show Is Fake”.
Lisa comes up to Harry to be like “well your brother f*cked up so you’re probably a f*ckup,” and Harry RIGHTFULLY says “I’m my own person, I’m not my brother.” This whole thing feels like when you had an older brother at school and everyone expects you to be exactly like him, seemingly forgetting that you have different DNA makeup.
It’s guys’ night!!! Behr behr behr behrrrrrrrrr (that was an airhorn sound, if you couldn’t tell). Sandoval is dressed like an extra in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story and all the guys are betting on which girlfriend will have the first meltdown. Whoever guesses Kristen is correct.
The guys call James to come out. Jax is like “he’s like a puppy, you wanna feel bad for him.”
Back at girls’ weekend, the girls are all taking shots. To my surprise, Scheana agrees to take one!! Stassi is like “wow this is exciting you used to be such a buzzkill.” CUT TO: THE INFAMOUS GREEN TEA SHOT EPISODE OF 2016! The very same episode I referenced last week in my recap. Bravo editors, get on my level!!!
Katie’s like, “Scheana I have a question for you.”
Katie: I heard that you and Adam went to bang town
Scheana, trying to figure out if this is a trap:
Scheana is like, internally trying so hard to not blurt out everything and gush about how she’s going to marry him. I would use the “kid holding breath meme” here, but I’ve done it twice already this season, and I feel like you guys already know the joke I’m going to make. She legit stays silent. Wow, she HAS changed.
Scheana immediately starts crying. Yikes.
Katie: Scheana and Rob’s relationship was just primed to be made fun of. She sang his name like it was a symphony.
Holy f*ck. Bravo, Katie. Truer words have never been spoken.
LMFAO THIS MONTAGE OF EVERY TIME SCHEANA SAID ROB! I’M F*CKING DECEASED. GIVE THESE PRODUCERS ALL THE EMMYS, I CANNOT RIGHT NOW.
BRB, replaying that scene from now until forever. It will be playing at my wedding. You are all invited.
Katie and Scheana sort of seem to make up in a forced way, with Katie making a joke at Scheana’s expense and Scheana laughing just to get the group to move on. Fine, I’ll take the bait. Let’s move on.
So back at guys night Peter is talking about titties in his face. Good.
James shows up really looking like the white Kanye in a short-sleeved khaki-colored hoodie.
So James was like “I was so happy that Thomas called me” and it took me a full 5 minutes to figure out who Thomas is.
In equally important news, Schwartz doesn’t know how to pronounce the word “wingman”?
Schwartz: Wingmain? Wing-mang?
All of us: WING-MANNING.
Sandoval, Peter, and James come back with a bunch of girls and Jax is like “f*ck, now I gotta exercise self-control? F*ck meeeee.”
Jax is like not comfortable, which I actually get, and feels like he should tell Brittany. Actually, yeah I get it, he probably should tell her just so that he doesn’t look bad later on.
Cut to: an insane room party like we’re in high school. There’s a million people crammed into one hotel room drinking like on my last night of Birthright.
Jax is sweating like a whore in church, muttering “this is a bad idea” over and over.
Meanwhile, Sandoval opens a briefcase of liquor because he’s a real bartender. He apparently takes it everywhere he goes just in case he needs to make a drink? I’ll take “Things On The Front Page Of r/thathappened” for $400, Alex.
Schwartz is taking bottles to the face while saying that he’s not going to black out. Ok dude.
Carter’s texting Kristen that James came to guys’ night and Kristen is equally losing it. Look, I know we all wish our exes would die a fiery death, but this is uncalled for.
Peter takes some girl into the room to bang. I’m kind of surprised he didn’t just have an orgy. Jax and Beau go onto the balcony to call their
Honestly, the phone call goes fine. The girls get back to the hotel and Kristen is already stumbling. They are being kind of mean to her, with Katie making unnecessary jabs like “just sit down, it’s not an obstacle course, it’s not that hard.” Damn, why you gotta beat a wasted horse?
Kristen IS that drunk friend who blacks out and starts running away at full speed. She goes outside for no reason. Lol. I mean I get that the gang might be tired of taking care of her, but she seems very drunk but also appears to be pretty coherent? She’s not slurring her words that I can hear. Or does she just normally slur her words? I’m not sure what to believe at this point.
Katie is really not helping by trying to force a confrontation with Kristen. Like, fam, she is too drunk to walk properly—she is not in a place to have a sit-down conversation. Wait until the morning. Kristen gets up to leave and trips over the table (which I mean I would probably do sober, but whatever) and Kristen keeps yelling “CARTER KEEPS TEXTING ME ABOUT BOYS’ NIGHT” over and over as if that matters at all.
So Katie gets mad at Kristen for being drunk (k?) and tells her to go to bed, so she does, and Katie is mad at Kristen. Lala also says she was being trashy.
Katie calls Schwartz and has him put Carter on the phone to see what he was texting Kristen.
Katie: Your girlfriend is being an embarrassment, she’s so f*cked up.
Yo, like, I know that I write for a website called Betches, but why is Katie so mean??? You could legit just say “Kristen is wasted, what did you say that might have upset her” instead of calling her an embarrassment and making fun of her for being drunk, as if she has never been incoherent ever in her life.
Scheana is the one who puts two and two together that the reason Kristen is so upset is that James is at boys’ night. This segues into a larger conversation about how Katie doesn’t think Carter is good for her, and Stassi is like “no sh*t, she complains about him all the time.”
Wow so Carter calls Kristen a crazy psycho bitch and doesn’t pay rent? Cool, I take back every single nice thing I’ve ever said about him. Throw the whole man away!
Stassi spills the beans about Carter and Kristen’s relationship problems and then immediately has a freakout about spilling the beans. I mean yeah I would probably feel guilty about saying a bunch of sh*t that wasn’t my place to say on camera. Oopsies!
Stassi: That wasn’t my place, that wasn’t my place.
Also Stassi: *Goes on for 5 more minutes about Kristen’s relationship issues*
Stassi: You know what, someone who refuses to pay rent and pay bills kind of is a bad guy.
Me: *glares at Lala*
And that’s more or less where things end this week. See you f*ckers next time! (No, you’re right, I will absolutely not try to make that a thing. Thanks, love you!)