'Vanderpump Rules' Recap: Scheana Is A Bootleg Kardashian

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

Good evening, and welcome to another installment of The Reason I Can Never Fall Asleep Before 4am on Mondays, otherwise known as the next episode of Vanderpump Rules. As I write this, I am trying (and failing) to cook some steaks I got from Blue Apron, just to give you a perspective of where I’m currently at in my life in relation to the position of moral superiority I like to adopt.

I also want to let you guys know that I do lurk in the comments section, and to the person who said I was being too hard on Scheana, 1) my real name is not Olivia, but thanks and 2) Sure, Scheana is “nice” to an extent. But how much should we let niceness—the lowest possible bar for human decency—excuse how generally insufferable she is? Also, I’d argue that her holier-than-thou routine is far from “nice”. Please feel free to debate me further in the comments section.

Last week’s episodes posed many questions, such as, “Has anyone ever told Brittany the definition of gas lighting?” but more importantly, “Was it about the pasta??” We may never know the answers to these quandaries.

Last week’s episode ended with a horrified Jax realizing Brittany’s mom had flown in to surprise her. We pick back up in that same spot, with Kristen going on about how good Brittany is for Jax and how badly Kristen wants to break them up. I’m not sure if I’ve said this before so I’ll just say it now: I have this theory that Kristen wants to date Jax, and that’s why she is up Brittany’s asshole so much. Think about it: Kristen is the only one in the group who’s never dated Jax. Sure, they fucked, but it clearly meant more to Kristen than it did to Jax, since she was willing to tank her four-year relationship over it. Jax also admitted it right away and has said multiple times since that Kristen is gross. Anyway, here’s Wonderwall that’s my theory.

Lala meets up with Katie and orders a mimosa. The woman asks for her ID and Lala says “I don’t have it with me, but I’m a grown-ass woman.” Sure, that’ll hold up in court. Lala decides to play mediator between Katie and Scheana—a noble effort, but one that will certainly come back to bite her in the ass.

Katie: No one’s talking about Rob and Scheana anymore. She’s the only one bringing it up.


Michael Scott

Lala: I’m all about female empowerment. I’m all about the power of the pussy. I just want all the pussies to get along.

Or, in other words:

Rainbows and Smiles

Scheana goes up to Lala at work and basically just starts trash-talking Katie without prompting. But tell me how nice Scheana is again. But Lala is really doubling down on this feminism angle. It’s like, kind of admirable, but I wonder what Lala would accomplish if she actually got involved in women’s issues. Maybe we go for pay equality before we worry about if every single woman on Earth wants to get brunch with every other woman on Earth. I’m just saying.

At Peter’s birthday party, Lala is still trying to hold onto her “gangsta” image. YOU ARE FROM UTAH, LAURYN.

Brittany’s sister also shows up, thanks to Kristen, and I just want to know who’s paying for this. Does Kristen have a budget item for “flying random bitches to LA to fuck up other people’s relationships”?

Stassi refers to Peter as her “ex-boyfriend,” which is a strong fucking term for someone producers forced you to make out with twice last season. Like, damn, am I sane?

Also I nearly called the police watching Kristen simulate oral sex on Carter’s finger.

Lala, still high off the Women’s March (jk because this episode was filmed months ago), is leading a one-woman crusade to bring Scheana and Katie together. It goes just about as well as you’d expect: the situation devolves within a matter of 30 seconds, with both sides hurling insults at each other.


*plays back that scream 35 times continuously* I’m setting that as my ringtone. 


Loud Noises

Lala: We are women! Let’s build each other up! Ovaries before brovaries!

Scheana isn’t letting it go, though, and accuses the other girls of being fake. That was the wrong move, because it brings about the clapback of the century from none other than Mr. Thomas Schwartz.

Schwartz: Scheana, look at your nails and your hair. You’re the fakest one of all of us. You’re a bootleg Kardashian, all you care about is selfies.

Wow. This was incredible. We are not worthy. Years from now, this clip will go down in the history books. We all just witnessed one of the greatest moments in Vanderpump Rules history, and we’re all better for it.

Scheana starts crying in a corner and Ariana is serving as her translator. Actual footage of this:


Lala to Scheana: You may have PTSD but guess what, you’re stuck with me homie.

I mean, I guess being friends with these idiots is kind of like being in a war zone.

Lala and James are playing tennis and she says “My man likes playing tennis and he’s really fucking good.”



It’s great how you can clearly tell that having to bring sandwiches to Brittany, her mom and her sister is Jax’s idea of a suicide mission.

Apparently Logan told Brittany’s sister that he’s sleeping with James? What a random person to tell. How did that conversation go? “Hi, I’m Tiffany,” “Nice to meet you, I’m fucking James”?

Schwartz is telling Lisa about the fight with Scheana, and he’s like “Well I think that before Katie wanted me to stand up for her no matter what” and Lisa was like “Well yeah that’s kind of the point of marriage, you know, that lifetime commitment you agreed to?”

Schwartz just explained the sunken cost fallacy, and it’s like crickets from Lisa. Lisa, you own multiple businesses! You of all people should be familiar with the sunk cost fallacy! I learned that shit in micro economics 101 and by perusing the r/relationships subreddit. I am fucking concerned. And for the record, yes, Schwartz was 100% correct—Brittany is making the mistake of buying into the sunk cost fallacy by staying in a relationship that doesn’t make her happy just because she sacrificed a lot to get here.

I’ve got to say that I fucking love season 6 James. He is fucking hilarious.

“I don’t have to convince you that I love pussy. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it. I’m James fucking Kennedy.” – James fucking Kennedy

With that attitude. I see a long career in American politics for him.

Kristen and Stassi go to SUR, basically to talk shit about James and speculate about his sexuality with Brittany and Lala. The only productive thing to come out of this conversation was Kristen inventing the term “wading in the penis pond.”

Raquel and James are talking about the Logan rumors, and poor Raquel. If she was just able to get out one sentence, she could articulate the problem at hand: that Logan is being disrespectful to their relationship. Instead, James deflects with some joke about everyone wanting to fuck him (I object) and she is forced to laugh it off.

Jax takes Brittany’s sister and mom to dinner to discuss his cheating (a concept I don’t agree with necessarily, but whatever) and he is BLATANTLY LYING TO THEIR FACES. What’s gonna happen tonight when they watch this episode and realize Jax lied about only sleeping with Faith once?

Fam, Jax is literally a classic manipulator. He does something wrong >> turns it around, starts pulling the “woe is me I’m a terrible person” routine, forcing the person who was actually wronged to comfort him. On the one hand, I commend this show for its educational aspects. On the other hand, I fear Brittany is too stupid to ever come to her senses and is subjecting herself to a lifetime of misery.

James comes over to Brittany’s house (I really didn’t know they were friends like that, but ok) to talk about the Logan thing. Oh, I guess because Logan initially told Brittany’s sister they were fucking. So James institutes a three-way call attack on Logan. Sadly, it does not go like this:

3-Way Calling Attack

Logan immediately backs down and admits he made it all up because he’s “a jealous little bitch.” So their friendship is cancelled, as is my desire to continue with this recap. JK, sort of, because the show is over. That was a fucking wild ride, and I can’t wait for next week.