What up, degenerates? Mostly speaking to myself here. This recap may be a little late because I went to bed at 9pm last night. What can I say. Day drinking as an adult is hard. Really takes the life out of you.
We open at Brittany and Jax’s housewarming party. It’s 1am and Ariana and Lala play the recording of Jax talking to Faith. Apparently it’s too big of a legal nightmare to air the tape, which is why I will not be digging it up and posting it here, as one of you suggested in the comments last week. It was a good try, and I commend you for the suggestion, but I do not have the money to defend myself against Bravo’s lawyers.
According to Brittany, on the recording Jax says he doesn’t want to marry Brittany, he doesn’t want to have kids with her, and they haven’t had sex in months. Pretty much the standard stuff every guy has ever said to his mistress since the dawn of time, with the exception of “I’m going to leave her for you very soon.”
Me and anyone who’s ever watched Jax behave for more than 5 consecutive minutes:
Brittany decides to play the recording on speakerphone for the entire party to hear. I love this new Brittany. This is fucking incredible.
Brittany: I’ve heard the recordings. You deserve to rot in hell.
Me, *crying*: Yas queen
Lala: God forbid women stand together against your bullshit. I’m done with these men thinking they can do whatever the fuck they want!
This is feminism. #MeToo
Back at the party, James is trying to be like “Don’t let Brittany talk like that” and all the women collectively burst into flames and scream at him until he runs away. They need to play this episode of Vanderpump Rules at the next Women’s March.
Jax: Why would Lala and Ariana do that?
Why would they expose the truth? IDK, because they’re not shit people? Sandoval and Ariana fight about this because Sandoval (correctly) thinks that Ariana should have picked a better time, like for instance, not the middle of the night when everyone’s been taking shots. Ariana completely misses the point.
Tom: So you approached Brittany with the recordin—
Ariana: I did not APPROACH Brittany! I was sitting on the patio with her.
I honestly love these people. Here we have Sandoval trying to be like “wrong time dude” and Ariana’s getting irate over the semantics of the word “approach”. This is a misunderstanding of epic proportions. One day they’ll teach this in history classes. I could see an entire war being started because Ariana genuinely did not believe she “approached” Brittany with the recording because she was already sitting with her.
Am I the only person who thinks calling James’ party See You Next Tuesday is genius? Maybe he should quit DJing and get a job in marketing.
James says he’s not going to drink during his DJ gig, which means we’ll see a cut to him taking a bottle of Jaeger to the face in approximately five minutes.
Also, I am taking a recording of James screaming “WHYYYYY” and setting it as my ringtone. And this picture of Lisa is now my phone’s wallpaper. I’m really fun at parties.
Lala, Sandoval, and Ariana go to Scheana’s house. I think it’s hilarious that Scheana bought a fruit platter for them, and I hope I’m not the only one. Like, this girl shits on Shay for only eating microwave dinners and she can’t cut up some fruit? IDK, I’m getting my period and I just got ghosted by a guy who lives in New Jersey, so making fun of these (fellow) trash humans is all I have going for me rn.
Sandoval is completely correct in that the time to bring up this diabolical recording (one more time for the people in back) is not at 1am when you’re all wasted! Between Schwartz refusing to stop blacking out so he’d quit cheating on his wife and now this, I’m beginning to think Vanderpump Rules is one giant satire. Can people really be this averse to logic and reason?
Jax walks into the kitchen the next morning with Brittany and the first thing out of his mouth is “I have no words.” Ok so then… why are you talking…
This is peak manipulation, blaming Brittany for “her actions” when Jax objectively was the one who did something so completely fucked up.
Brittany: He’s embarrassed and now he’s turning it around on me.
She finally gets it! Who is this new Brittany? New Brittany for President!
Ladies, this is gaslighting. Look it up, know the signs, and don’t let it happen to you. Whether your boyfriend tries to go to hang out with your roommate behind your back and then blasts you for your “jealousy issues” (totally random example that didn’t happen to me at all) or he tells another woman that you basically mean nothing to him and he’s not attracted to you and then gets mad at you for daring to expose his wrongdoings, that is gaslighting. It’s extreme manipulation, and it will fuck you up. So don’t stand for it. This has been a friendly PSA, and also my weekly shading of my piece-of-shit ex-boyfriend. Look, this really is all I have at this point.
Ok, back to the recap.
Brittany to Jax: Go ruin another girl’s life. You will, you’re dirty.
Y’all. Brittany has snapped. I cannot say this enough: I am living for it.
Ariana says to Sandoval in front of Scheana, “I think we should break the fuck up.” Honestly, what would this show be if these people had any concept of private conversations?
Stassi goes to a speakeasy behind a bookshelf to meet Patrick and says “you’re not going to meet commoners there” i.e. in a bar behind a bookshelf. Stassi’s gonna be real disappointed when she reads about the New York City speakeasy trend of 2016.
Schwartz is telling Patrick at this dinner about how he blackout cheated on Katie and Patrick says, “If you don’t remember it, it’s over.” *Unscrolls three meter-long sheet of parchment* *Adds this to the ever-growing list of why I hate Patrick*
There’s not a whole lot to report on this studio session with Lala, James, and Sandoval, other than Lala continuing to talk like she’s a background cast member on Real Housewives of Atlanta. As Nene would say, “girl, bye.”
Tom Sandoval starts playing the trumpet and he’s like “I just lose myself in the music” *plays the trumpet like Squidward plays the clarinet*
Actually I’d rather listen to Spongebob transform himself into Squidward’s clarinet and scream “La la la la” (y’all know the episode I’m talking about, don’t even play) than listen to Sandoval play the trumpet.
Stassi and Katie come to Brittany’s house for moral support.
Stassi: When are women going to realize Jax isn’t worthy of dating?
IDK fam. If a six-year reality show documenting his every act of infidelity and subsequent lie about it hasn’t done the trick yet, I don’t think anything will at this point.
At See You Next Tuesday, Scheana confronts Katie about the Rob cheating rumors and basically says “keep my name out yo’ mouth and I’ll do the same.” Good luck with that.
Katie: I think Scheana is just insecure about how quickly she moved onto Rob after she got divorced from Shay.
What the fuck is happening this season? Brittany is standing up for herself? I like Katie?? Can somebody check my vitals over here??
Scheana’s telling everyone about this rumor that she “doesn’t want to talk about,” just like every girl who says she “hates drama.”
So NOW Scheana pulls Jen aside to confront her about this rumor about Rob making out with someone.
Scheana: I don’t want to ever speak of this again… [as I continue to speak about it]
Scheana recounts what Rob claimed happened and it goes like this: “I used to date this girl at Toca Madera and I came and picked her up and twirled her around and maybe gave her a kiss on the cheek or… maybe it was more than that.”
So basically after Jen recounts the same story she told Katie about the makeout, Scheana goes, “Well I trust Rob and I know he’d never do that. Case closed, bitches.”
Man, can we PLEASE get a spin-off where Scheana is a homicide detective? It would go like this:
Detective #1: We have the suspect’s DNA, fingerprints, an eye witness who saw him commit the murder, and before the victim died she wrote “ROB DID IT” in her own blood.
Scheana: Well I know Rob wouldn’t do that so case closed, bitches.
Sandoval and Ariana kiss and make up and talk about things like mature adults, which is only interesting because this is Vanderpump Rules and literally nobody has ever done that before on the history of this show.
After calling her mom, Brittany sits Jax down and has a come-to-Jesus talk with him, and still he won’t take responsibility! Holyyyy shit. I can’t. We’re literally watching him gaslight and manipulate her on camera. He’s like “It takes two people to make a relationship work” but it only takes one to cheat sooo….???
Honestly, Brittany, Jax is not logical or even nice enough to merit this conversation. I appreciate that you tried, but you just can’t reason with stupid. And manipulative. Just get out.
And that’s all she wrote. Come back next week for another shade session of every man who’s ever wronged me, peppered with the latest goings-on in the Vanderpump Rules universe. Thank you, and goodnight.