Last week on Vanderpump Rules, Tom and Tom acted like idiots while Brittany and Jax probably faked a pregnancy scare for ratings. OH YEAH, and we ended with some not-scary threats from Scheana to “fuck with” Jax’s relationship, topped off by some serious crazy eyes. *rubs hands together like Birdman* Can’t fucking wait. It’s time for this week’s motherfucking Vanderpump Rules recap.
After an entirely underwhelming scene with Tom and Ariana, we open for real at SUR with James and Raquel, where James’ dad is showing up to see him DJ. James is kind of like a little kid: “I’m gonna put on this jacket so my dad respects me more and doesn’t leave to go to the store again.” Fuckin’ dark.
James’ dad doesn’t understand why James can’t drink while he’s DJing. Thank God for Raquel being like “No you can’t drink tonight” and James temporarily weighing his dad’s respect vs. his job and, for the moment at least, choosing the latter.
Of course Lisa met James’ dad with George Michael and Ken had known him in the bar scene. How small is England? Also James’ dad’s teeth are making me yearn for my toothbrush. It’s a truly upsetting sight.
Lala and Scheana go to Hooters to visit Brittany. For a second I was really confused and thought she worked there again, but apparently she’s just throwing Jax a party.
Two seconds into this party, Scheana pulls Jax aside to confront him about the whole “Rob not loving her” thing. It’s funny because she says “you said Rob loves me but he’s not in love with me” with so much disdain and like it’s a truly ridiculous statement, but we can all literally see it with our own eyes.
Scheana’s like, “Rob and I aren’t the type of people who say ‘I love you’ all the time. We’re not the kind of people who kiss all the time. We’re not the type of people who hang out all the time, in fact he doesn’t even get my name right all the time, but I know he loves me and we’re going to get married.”
Tom and Tom give Jax a RompHim (a romper, but for men) for his birthday. A better birthday gift has never been given. Ugh, does this mean RompHims are back in? Jax struts in lookin like a sexy crocodile hunter (may he rest in peace).
The next day, Billie meets up with Stassi and Kristen. She tells them how Jeremy asked her out on a date. Kristen and Stassi are like “make sure you’re going to a public place because he’s a little creepy.”
Stassi claims that Jeremy was being creepy at Katie and Tom’s wedding, and then there’s a flashback of him grabbing her and pulling her into a hug while she looks like she’d rather spontaneously combust. Yeah, it doesn’t look great.
Scheana and Brittany are getting brunch, and Scheana’s crazy eyes are in FULL FORCE when talking about Rob. Like, are you aware of the way you look? And act? And what you sound like?
I’m happy Brittany is like “Jax has a hot girlfriend so he better buck up or sit down because there’s plenty of guys who want me.”
Scheana is trying to set Brittany up with this guy Adam. I’m confused? Did Brittany and Jax break up or nah? Jax is a piece of shit but you can’t just like, try to counter someone’s cheating by trying to force them to cheat on the person who cheated on them.
Me to me: SAY CHEAT AGAIN!
Sandoval and Schwartz show up to the pit of wreckage that is Tom Tom. I feel like the fact that Schwartz loves sandals just furthers his man-child image. Sandoval is still trying to mansplain the layout of the bar to Lisa. Sandoval wants to have dry ice in a cocktail like it’s fucking 2013. I have an idea, maybe you should make Tom Tom a speakeasy!
Lala and Billie go over to Scheana’s house and Scheana has framed photos of Rob EVERYWHERE. But does she still have the life-size photo of herself in her wedding dress?
Billie tells Lala about what Stassi and Kristen said about meeting Jeremy in public and calling him creepy, and Lala gets mad. I’ll save my speech about their opinion being valid for Sandoval’s blowout.
Ew, Jeremy shows up to the date and Lala (who was there with Billie to pregame, basically) says “What it do, boi?” Oh my fucking god you are not Missy Elliot. STOP.
Ok I have to say, it’s GOT to be fucking weird to date the male version of your best friend. They literally have the exact same face. But, at least in addition to Ariana’s face, Jeremy has also inherited his sister’s support for the LBGTQ community. I breathed an audible sigh of relief when Jeremy said “You’re a woman now and you deserve to be acknowledged as a woman.” That being said, homeboy is not completely off the hook for this episode.
Ok so James goes to meet his dad at some bar that sells alcoholic slushies in the middle of the day. Aggressive choice. James’ dad needs subtitles; I can’t understand this guy. If there was a crossover episode with him and Stephen’s dad, I’d be fucked.
Ok now I really wanna know about James’ dad’s falling out with George Michael. Apparently it was so bad that he lost everything? I gotta Google this.
Anyway, CreeperGate has made its way back to Ariana, so this is officially a shit show. Apparently Jeremy saved SUR from burning down? What’s the story here? Did he put out the fire himself?
Ugh does Lala really think calling a man a creep to two women is really “fucking with his life?” Can’t wait till she Googles Brock Turner.
Lala immediately brings up the Jeremy thing and is like “why would you say to Billie that you hope her date with Jeremy is in public?” Ok, FIRST OF ALL, that’s just general safety tips. Also, nothing really comes of this exchange, and Scheana hugs Ariana and leaves.
Katie says that numerous girls at her wedding said he was “predatory.” Ariana goes off. Right, because she doesn’t have a blind spot in this situation at all.
Stassi: Ironic that if Ariana says something hurtful about me it’s a hard truth I need to hear, but if anybody says anything about her brother it crosses a line.
YES. YES QUEEN. I usually like Ariana, but if anyone told me my brother was being a creep, first I would try to get to the bottom of it and find out exactly what happened, maybe attempt to rationalize his behavior, and finally apologize on his behalf for being creepy and making the woman feel uncomfortable. But what I would not do? Immediately dismiss the woman. I also don’t understand why Stassi didn’t just say, “This is what happened, I felt that he was being creepy, end of story.”
Jax and Sandoval join forces to create the world’s worst band. Skipping this shit. Sandoval says that what Katie is saying about Jeremy is “complete and total bullshit.” Hmm, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, every time a man was accused of misconduct every year before the #MeToo movement.
Kristen: Jeremy was flirting with and hitting on a lot of people.
Sandoval: I don’t think so.
Aahahhah I love when a man just flat-out denies a woman’s experience when he WASN’T EVEN THERE.
Stassi tells Sandoval that Jeremy tried to hit on her at the wedding, and WOW, SANDOVAL LITERALLY SAYS, “You? Are you kidding me?!” Maybe I’m extrapolating here, but from his tone I’m getting mad “fat/ugly/[insert physical descriptor here] girls don’t get harassed or assaulted” vibes.
Wow holy fucking shit, I am in a full-on rage spiral. How can Sandoval tell them to “stick to the facts” when we are talking about a completely subjective opinion of another person? Look. If a woman perceives you as creepy, it probably means you were acting creepy. If multiple women perceive you as creepy, you were definitely acting creepy and no amount of mansplaining or intimidation is going to change these women’s perceptions. I’m not saying that I even think Jeremy is creepy—he seemed perfectly nice for the 5 seconds he was on camera—but guess what? In this situation, perception is reality, and if a woman says she felt creeped out by a guy, the correct answer is not “no, you’re wrong.” It’s “I’m sorry you felt that way, I’ll let him know that behavior isn’t acceptable.”
So apparently Brittany never told her dad that Jax cheated on her. She cries and makes him promise that he’ll never do it again but he doesn’t look her in the eyes when he makes that “promise”. And what does Jax do? Say “well, you’re not perfect either.” Fuck Jax. Brittany, do you really want to set yourself up for a lifetime of gaslighting and manipulation? Fuuuuckkk this guy. I’m gonna drive up to L.A. and murder Jax and Sandoval. Don’t thank me, I’m just doing it for the good of womankind. You can all donate to my legal fund.
Ugh, I thought I could end this fucking episode on top of my soap box, but apparently not. Scheana, Ariana, and Lala have basically gathered to scheme about how to break up Brittany and Jax.
Scheana: I just want Brittany to know she’s hot.
Scheana the second Brittany walks in: HEEEYYY HOTTIE!
Oh for the love of God, Lala decides to fucking bring up Stassi calling Jeremy creepy.
Jeremy: Imagine how you’d feel if someone called you creepy.
IMAGINE HOW YOU’D FEEL IF A MAN VIOLATED YOUR BOUNDARIES AND GRABBED YOU INTO A HUG WITHOUT ASKING. Ohhh my fucking god.
Literally me as I write this:
This episode is white male privilege personified, and I fucking can’t deal with it anymore. I hate that this show airs at 9pm because I’m going to work myself into a rage until at least 3am.
Finally, Scheana pulls Brittany aside for a come-to-Jesus moment to be like, “do you wanna be like me? 32 and divorced with no progress and no kids?” Oh so you’re saying things between you and Rob AREN’T perfect? Interesting. Very interesting.
So yeah the episode basically ends there, with the drama and my blood pressure at an all-time high. Cool cool cool cool cool. See you all next time, if I’m alive.
Images: Bravo; Giphy (4)