'Vanderpump Rules' Recap: What Wouldn't Jax Do? (Nothing)

Welcome friends, lovers, foes, and all trash-loving monsters, to the season 6 premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I would say a lot happened last season, but to be honest, they spent 24 episodes more or less dragging out if Tom and Katie would make it down the aisle. Oh yeah, and then they tacked Scheana’s divorce on at the end. Real riveting and diverse stuff.

But we do know a few things: Jax is still most likely a cheating scumbag, Kristen is back on her bullshit, Stassi never got off her bullshit, and Scheana has had more boyfriends in the past year than I’ve had in my entire adult life. Cool cool cool cool cool. That definitely doesn’t make me feel any type of way or contemplate getting enough fillers to make my face qualify as non-organic material. Defs not. But let’s get into the recap.

We open at Scheana’s birthday party and it’s masquerade themed. She rolls in with her new boyfriend … ah wait, nvm, it’s just a preview of what’s happening in this episode. But why do I need to watch a preview of what I’m about to watch? Bravo producers be doing the most.

I’m glad they haven’t updated the intro sequence outfits since 2011, though. Except why is Lala out here trying to look like Kim Kardashian. Why?

Lala Kent Kim Kardashian

Okay, we open FOR REAL at SUR, obvi. Sandoval has noticeably shorter hair and Jax has a buzzcut. Jax and Brittany have officially been together two years. Time really flies when you’re fucking miserable and on the verge of being abused.

Jax: Brittany’s finally getting off the couch and going to the gym, not keeping Postmates in business.

THAT WAS A DIRECT QUOTE. I didn’t even paraphrase that, y’all. With boyfriends like these, who needs enemies?

Meanwhile, Scheana is gushing over her new relationship, which is awkward because we know it lasted all of like, five minutes.

Scheana: I wouldn’t have started dating so soon after my divorce if it weren’t for anyone else in the world.

All of Us:

Sure Jan

The ink hasn’t even dried on Scheana’s divorce papers—I actually don’t even know if she’s signed them at this point—and she’s already got a new bf. *Screams into the void* AND I CAN’T EVEN GET A TEXT BACK!

Meanwhile, Lisa is putting the final touches on Tom Tom. Calling it now, they’re gonna transition into a Tom Tom spin-off just like they did with the OG episode of VPR.

Sandoval has been living in a rent-controlled apartment for the past 12 years. WTF, Ariana. You need to lock that man down! What is wrong with you? Marry him, or I will.

Katie has been rage texting Scheana, because what else is new?

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 1

What. A. Psychopath. You really can’t win with Katie. Either you like Lala and never hear the end of her wrath about it, or you stop associating with Lala and Katie calls you pathetic for listening to her? God, I can’t stand these people.

Katie walks up right as Scheana is shit talking her to be like, “Yeah I’m having a birthday party and I don’t want you there.” Seems unnecessary to do that when you could just…not invite her…

Katie: It’s very clear that you made a decision somewhere down the line that you don’t want to be my friend.

Yeah, that’s what Scheana just said.

Once again, Katie is deflecting all the blame on Scheana and refusing to take responsibility. Call me when something new happens.

Okay, it’s about time I say that I have been LIVING for Ariana’s haircut. I wish I could pull off a lob, but I don’t have her bone structure.

Sandoval wants to work weed into Tom Tom and so he took a “research” trip to Colorado with Jax to find out that you can’t legally put THC into drinks. Because that couldn’t have been figured out in one Google search. I see you degenerates.

Sandoval vents to Ariana about Lisa and Ken. It seems like Lisa and Ken overheard Sandoval’s entire shit-talking session. That doesn’t seem likely. What are the acoustics at SUR? They’re legit in a different room.

Katie goes over to Stassi’s place. Tbh I’m  not sure about Stassi’s tan/hair combo. Feeling a little Trump-ish to me.

Stassi’s like “I am from the South, we have central A/C everywhere. I can’t live like this.” Bish, didn’t you live in New York City for six months?

Katie’s telling Stassi how Scheana went from being a bridesmaid to not being her friend at all and how fucked up that is, like she didn’t do the same exact shit to Stassi but in reverse. Katie, if you’re reading it, what’s it like living in the Upside Down? Who’s your weed dealer?

Stassi: You know how you and Tom got so much happier when you were married?

The entire world: …No?

When has marriage ever fixed a broken relationship? I’ll wait.

New York Waiting

James is chilling with some new guy named Logan. Ugh, I don’t have the ability to care for any more new people at this point, can we just not?

Holy fuck, Raquel is in COLLEGE? Where does this incoherent bitch go to school, Trump University? (Too easy?)

James: Thank god I have Logan when Raquel is gone. We go hiking, we hang out, he drives me around… So what I’m hearing is that you’re dating Logan on the side while Raquel is at college. I’m not mad about it.

Schwartz and Sandoval walk into Tom Tom which is just an abandoned construction site at this point.

Sandoval: I want a feeling in this place of comfortability, familiararity, no-stal-gee-ah…

Are those words?

Sandoval’s main concern is that the restaurant is “comfortable.” No, everyone’s gonna sit on cinder blocks.

Sandoval and Schwartz are like “yeah let’s just pretend I never talked shit about Lisa, she’s totally forgotten about it.”

*Two seconds later* Lisa: I just think it’s funny how…

Sandoval is blaming Lisa for eavesdropping on his conversation “because you said you were leaving and you didn’t leave.” I just don’t have the time to get into all the ways in which you are so wrong about this.

At Jax and Brittany’s, they’re getting ready for Scheana’s birthday like, “We’re gonna have fun tonight. No drama. We need this.” Ah yes, because those are the words that precede any good, responsible night out. Just like “I’m only gonna have one drink” and “We’ll be home by midnight” and “It’s Tuesday.”

Sandoval tells Ariana about the Lisa fiasco and Ariana is like “Well, she shouldn’t have been eavesdropping.” Damn they are delusional af. Don’t have private conversations about your boss at your boss’s restaurant! Am I the only one who’s thought of this solution??

Crazy Pills

Sooo Schwartz is going to Scheana’s birthday and not Katie? That’s fucking weird. I can *kinda* see why Katie thinks Tom never supports her. Did I just agree with Katie on something? Somebody please come check on me to make sure I’m okay.

Stassi is mooning over Patrick again, and honestly I wanna know what the big deal is with this guy. Why does Stassi keep going back to him? Is this dude’s dick made of gold? 

Schwartz: You should put a hex on Scheana so that every single photo of her is taken on her bad side.

Schwartz is truly diabolical. I love it. I’m going to start doing that to everyone who’s ever wronged me.

Ew, Scheana has a cat. I always knew I didn’t like her for a reason.

Scheana’s boyfriend is out here looking like a bargain bin Bradley Cooper. How am I just seeing this??

Scheana Shay Rob Valletta

Love that Scheana got rid of all their wedding photos except for the giant portrait of her face that was clearly taken in her bridal robe.

Scheana: What’s funny is that Rob is the last person I slept with before me and Shay got together and the first person I slept with when we got divorced. Everything about Rob is bigger and better.

Okay, Scheana is disgusting. What a horrible fucking thing to say about someone you were MARRIED TO. Shay doesn’t deserve this. You already humiliated the guy on national TV once, why do you have to go and insult his dick size? 

As Sandoval and Ariana are getting ready, Tom drops a bomb that his friend ran into Faith (remember Lala’s friend? No? It’s ok, nobody does) and she told this random stranger that she and Jax have been hooking up. I realize how convoluted that sentence was, but stay with me.

Tom: On the one hand I’m shocked Jax would hook up with Faith. On the other hand, it’s Jax.

Everyone’s reaction summed up.

Ariana is like, “Well it’s just a rumor,” but has there ever been one time on the history of this show where a rumor about two people fucking hasn’t been true? No. There has not. And don’t come at me with the Tom and Ariana rumors, you will never convince me those two “only kissed” when he was still with Kristen.

Raquel is at Scheana’s party, and I feel like I need to ask now if she can even legally drink.

Jax and James apparently squashed their beef; it’s truly an inspiration to feuds everywhere. Let’s send these two to the Middle East and see what they can work out.

Scheana introduces Rob to Lisa and says, “For the past 10 years, this is all I’ve wanted.”

Lisa is like, “Bitch get your tacky ass outta here with that, you were married to someone else. How you gonna say you wanted him the whole time when you PLEDGED YOURSELF TO SOMEONE ELSE FOR LIFE?” Oh, that was my internal monologue? Oops. K well Lisa said basically that, but in a more classy British way.

Jax decides he wants to tell Brittany he wants to have kids with her…when he’s drunk at a party. How all serious relationship conversations should start.

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 1

Stassi: If it was my birthday I wouldn’t not invite people and tell them they can’t come.

Is Stassi a pathological liar or just extremely delusional? What about Montauk? What about every single one of your birthday parties since season 1?

Sandoval decides that this is the perfect time to confront Jax about the rumor that he and Faith hooked up. In the middle of a party. What could go wrong?

Meanwhile James is confronting Faith. Apparently Jax messaged Faith on Twitter and came over while she was caring for a 95-year-old woman in her home?? WHAT THE FUCK. What is wrong with you people? How depraved can you possibly be?? That poor woman doesn’t need your nasty asses sullying her house. 

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 1

Okay Faith is giving way too much detail rn. Sucking her toes? Fucking her without a condom, legs in the air? I don’t need to know this, and I JUST ran out of eyeball bleach. 

OHHH SHITTT FAITH’S PERIOD IS LATE. Oh no. This is the last thing we need.

The entire world, I presume:

Mr. Krabs Meme

Jax goes straight up to Faith like, “Tom told me you said we hooked up. Can you just tell them that’s not true?”

Some other Squid (can’t keep up) named Jesse is talking to Brittany like, “I don’t wanna believe this, but I do.” I think the best part of this whole season is how they’ve all dropped the “Jax wouldn’t do that” act. Jax could be arrested for murder and they’d be like “meh, yeah he probably did it.”

Brittany: Jax has done a lot of fucked up things to me but if this is true I’m gonna drop kick his ass and her ass and they’re both dead to me.

She says that now but once the boob job money stops rolling in, I’m sure she’ll change her tune. 

Jax really has the nerve to go up to Brittany like “What did I do?” Seriously?

Jax: If I was going to cheat on Brittany, why would I hook up with someone in our circle? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Also Jax: *cheats on Stassi with Kristen, cheats on Carmen with Tiffany, and on and on until the end of time…*

Kristen goes up to Jax and says “You don’t get to come home tonight,” which doesn’t seem like her choice to make, but sure, Kristen.

Kristen then goes up to Faith screaming, “BRITTANY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU! TALK TO BRITTANY!” I am so glad Kristen is back on her bullshit, meddling in everyone else’s relationships. 

Faith basically runs away like all innocent people do when they are accused of something they didn’t do. Brittany is crying and screaming about moving out if the rumors are true, and once again we all collectively “Sure, Jan”. 

Anyway, this season looks like it’s gonna be lit af. Can’t wait for next Monday. Peace and love.