Welcome to another week of
Katie’s World Vanderpump Rules. For what it’s worth, last week’s episode was called “Beads, Beers and Tears” and this week’s is called “Man Tears and Braziers,” so whoever is naming these episodes needs a new job. They really just want us to know somebody ended up drunk crying at this bachelorette party. Tears, at a bachelorette party? Groundbreaking.
I would also like to take the time to note that I am not down with this new Bravo logo.
Bravo’s shooting B-roll of everyone being hungover and Tom and Ariana making out. Vomit.
Jax: I drank half of New Orleans last night.
That’s a good quote, I’m gonna use that next time I drink half of Manhattan. Or more accurately, Brooklyn.
Jax doesn’t remember drunk crying.
Jax: I love you but this is like kicking a dead horse. Wait that’s not right, is it?
Schwartz wakes Katie up to be like “you were mean to me.” And you think waking someone up when they’re hungover af to confront them isn’t going to make them even more mean to you?
Katie didn’t feel safe walking in a large co-ed group of friends in the middle of Bourbon Street… ok.
Katie: It’s like I’m in the dang Notebook right now. If only I had a Noah and not a Tom.
That’s a great thing to say about your soon-to-be husband.
Brittany: The boys acted like weirdos last night. Jax was crying and stuff and acting like a homosexual.
Ariana’s going with the guys on a boat tour because God forbid she go to a nice restaurant for brunch and do something typically feminine for once. Ariana’s like “I wanna see some fuckin gators” … aren’t you from Florida?
Jax: I think Tom may *possibly* be drinking to cope with his issues with Katie.
Somebody get this dude a Psychology degree. Doctor Jax Taylor over here.
I know, buddy. I know.
Why did I just see Sandoval’s ass, though? Somebody pass me the eye bleach.
These girls are passing out personalized Live Strong bracelets like it’s fucking 2001.
Scheana is still on her “I hate seafood” thing. In the middle of New Orleans. Bitch. She actually gets up and leaves the table because she’s SO offended by seafood. I’m glad she didn’t blow that out of proportion at all, that would’ve been rude.
Apparently Katie fights with Tom all the time because of the Vegas girl. If you don’t remember WTF I’m talking about it’s because that shit happened in 2014 and you would think she would’ve moved on if she agreed to marry him. But yeah so anyway, recap: Schwartz “made out with” some girl in Vegas, which we all know means “fucked.”
Kristen: We just need to get Schwartz to admit he fucked some other girl before the wedding, that will fix everything.
I’m still processing.
What the …. are you…. I think I’m having an aneurysm.
At the crab boil Carter brings up the Vegas chick and Tom’s like “Ugh dude could you not? I’m not tryna keep up a years-long lie at my bachelor party.”
Schwartz: We’ve had horrible problems before that and after that.
Take a shot for every time you question why Tom and Katie are getting married.
Schwartz: This is Kristen propoganda. Fake news. Sad!
Jax: Why are you getting married? You don’t wanna spend the rest of your life like this.
HOW IS JAX THE FUCKING VOICE OF REASON ON THIS SHOW? HOW???
Sandoval starts crying because Schwartz can’t just be miserable without Sandoval making this situation about him.
Lisa’s metallic hot pink lipstick is VERY early 2000s.
Lisa: We just try to switch the menu up by adding specials, and if they do really well, we *dramatic pause* add them to the menu.
Thanks Lisa, for explaining how restaurants work.
Everyone’s doing makeup and a cake gets delivered and the girl who delivers the cake is a stripper and I’m getting slightly turned on and I can’t be watching this at work, I gotta go.
*skips to commercial*
Ariana: Every drag queen has to have a drag mother
I was gonna criticize Jax for being down to wear makeup but drawing the line at having his dick taped, but honestly that’s pretty reasonable.
The girls are all chanting “Slap it! Slap it!” while the stripper is twerking in a thong. #StopWhitePeople
Ariana: So many gender stereotypes are being broken right now. We are blurring the lines of what it means to be a man and a woman in today’s society.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Stassi: I’m feeling really insecure because she was doing things with her butt that I didn’t even know could happen.
^Me in the club/everytime I watch a rap video
This sports bar allows dogs? Somebody call the health department.
Ariana really is taking the whole groomsman thing seriously.
Schwartz: I’m getting married.
Random girls: Do you want a shot?
Schwartz: No!! …Maybe. Actually can I get that in an IV?
Why is Ariana acting like Justin Bieber circa 2009?
Schwartz just told a girl she can play with his penis. Somewhere in the distance I hear the sound of Katie’s head exploding.
Bravo is really trying me with the footage of Jax peeing. Who are they taking their cinematography cues from, Lena Dunham? Next season on Vanderpump Rules: footage from inside Jax’s asshole—no thanks.
OF COURSE they went on a murder tour. Not gonna lie Stassi and I would be BFFs. I love murder (shit only white people say).
How tf did Shay get sun poisoning coming to New Orleans from fucking Los Angeles?
Stassi: If I took Sandoval’s photo in drag and put it on my dating app, he’d get more likes than I would.
Damn Stassi, do we need to help you find some self-esteem? Do you need to come back on our podcast?
Katie: I know Tom and I fight but we are able to forgive each other and I know that doesn’t make sense to a lot of people.
IDK Katie, I think plenty of people are familiar with the concept of forgiveness.
Kristen is sober and is confronting Schwartz about the cheating rumors while he’s very clearly shitfaced. Seems fair.
If this is a lie, I’m pretty impressed that Schwartz is able to uphold it while he’s slurring his words.
Sandoval looking like a slutty Sia while telling Kristen to back off.
Stop trying to make Tequila Tom a thing, Kristen.
Schwartz: Kristen’s a psycho bitch whore.
Sandoval: OMG Brittany!
Schwartz: You were thinking it!
Sandoval: Yeah, but you said it!
Carter’s like “watch your mouth” and the Toms are like “it’s not mean if it’s true.” I mean, I don’t disagree.
Carter: You grew up and you became Sia.
The wigs are off, shit’s getting real.
Sandoval’s like “I know you didn’t fuck that girl. I know that because I have eyes on your penis at all times.”
Katie was like “I didn’t wanna make it public knowledge” … but she’s on a reality TV show.
Schwartz is like “I’m done with Katie. I’m not marrying her.” I’m sure he definitely meant that and this isn’t just a bullshit cliffhanger so I’ll watch next episode.