Is Tom Schwartz Secretly Your Mom? 'Vanderpump Rules' Recap

Catch Up On Last Week: ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Live Your Truth

Stassi is stressed and feels like it’s her wedding, because there can’t be an out-of-state trip if it’s not all about Stassi.

Kristen: I really just want Stassi to find someone to tell her she’s pretty and make out with her so I can stop fucking hearing her whine about Patrick.

Me re: all my friends.

At least Stassi admits that she’s sad. Maybe go see a therapist? Or Nikolai.

The dog lying on Stassi’s bed not giving a fuck while Stassi hysterically cries is my spirit animal.

If Tom and Ariana’s AC and microwave run at the same time, it blows a fuse in their apartment. #RoughingIt

Katie texted Tom and Ariana mean stuff, shocker.

Ariana’s Mom: You don’t think Katie has cold feet about the wedding?

LMAOOOOO. Thanks for the laughs.

James is DJing at some party tonight at SUR or Pump (I can never tell which), this is awkward.

He shows up and Lisa’s like “OH we were just talking about you!” Say what you want about Lisa, at least she isn’t two-faced.

Tom Schwartz is wearing a muumuu. Last week it was the headband, this week it’s the muumuu, is Schwartz trying to transform into my mother?

Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 15

Tom and Katie are fighting—in related news, water is wet.

Direct quote from Schwartz: I’m gonna sweep it under the rug.

Jax: Tom and Katie’s relationship is like a stinky room and instead of trying to find out the source of the stink they just keep Febreezing the room and hoping it goes away.

Wow, Jax! Great analogy. You got it, man.

Scheana’s excited for her friends to “come to her hometown” as if they all haven’t been living in LA for the past…IDK…5 seasons? Am I smoking crack rn?

Katie: Do I need to be blonde, skinnier, drink with the guys to get him to respect me?

Uh, if you’re considering changing your hair, weight, and everything about you to get your fiancé’s respect… well, y’all already know what I’m gonna say. But fuck it, one more time for the people in the back: YOU. SHOULD. NOT. BE. GETTING. MARRIED. 

Brittany out here looking like the lost Spice Girl.

Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 15

Kristen: Katie’s not perfect, but Schwartz is *dramatic pause* no saint.

Kristen: If Schwartz keeps talking about Katie homie’s gonna have to answer to me.


Scheana’s big marriage advice is to just kiss each other more.

Jax: Getting marriage advice from Scheana is like getting sobriety advice from Shay.

Holy shit, who taught Jax how to make similes? I’m fucking impressed.

Schwartz: I’m a man in a muumuu, what else do I have to lose by apologizing to my own fiancée?

Wearing a dress = as emasculating as apologizing to the woman you’re about to marry. Sure. This is word for word Schwartz’s apology:

Schwartz: I’m sorry dude.

Schwartz: Hug it out?

Schwartz: High five?

Katie’s like “I have limits and when I reach them I explode” and Schwartz is like “who you tellin?”

Schwartz refers to his wedding as “the thing.”

Why is Brittany packing beach towels to go to a hotel? For once I’m siding with Jax. First the analogies, now this?!?!

What Is Happening

Brittany: No matter how much my feelings are hurt, I can never get Jax to apologize.

Say it with me now: N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T.

Jax is like “Brittany, do the laundry. You had one job!” she’s like “You did NOT just say that.” Because that’s called … remember we learned this … misogyny! It’s all right, Brittany, we’ll get ’em next time.

Scheana’s bringing a dick on a stick to this bachelor party. She came prepared.

Scheana: I never plan on having another wedding again, it’s the one time.

Ouch, that one hurt especially.

Katie and Schwartz are making vows for the trip. Katie promises not to rage at him and Schwartz promises to have her back, so now we know without a shadow of a doubt that Katie will rage at Tom on this trip, and Tom will undermine Katie.

Honestly Schwartz reassuring Katie that they’re unflappable feels a lot like how my ex would tell me we were an unbreakable couple like, two nights after he’d flirt with someone else in front of my face and then convince me I was overreacting for getting upset about it. Too real? Sry.

I love that this group thinks the best place to have a bachelorette party fort their alcoholic friend is fucking New Orleans.

Immediately upon checking in, Scheana and Shay sneak off to have an anniversary dinner. At someone else’s bachelor party.

Not Cool

Jax’s credit card is declined again and he’s like “why does this keep happening?”… because the first time your card is declined you have to take care of it and not wait for the magical bank fairies to fill up your account.

“Indentions” is not quite the word Brittany is looking for. So close! Maybe Jax should give her grammar lessons, because he’s got similes on lock.

Stassi shows up to Tom and Katie’s room and is like “I ordered you guys room service. And by you I mean me.”

I want Lisa to be my boss. Or at the very least, I want my boss to pay for my honeymoon suite. *hint*

Lisa asks Stassi why she’s cock blocking in Tom and Katie’s room, a very valid question.

Lisa tells Schwartz to prepare for the hard work ahead and Schwartz is like “Work?” “What’s that?”

Sandoval gives Schwartz the best gift ever: a Tom #1 shirt.

Schwartz: This is the moment I’ve been waiting a lifetime for. Not my wedding or anything. This T-shirt celebrating our bromance.

Scheana and Shay are skipping all the fun for an anniversary dinner. But watch her complain about feeling excluded in like, 20 seconds.

The real reason Scheana and Shay got divorced: They cheers-ed with water at their anniversary dinner. Rookie mistake.

Katie starts bitching to Sandoval about Lala. But like, why? She hasn’t even interacted with you guys in WEEKS.

Sandoval: The thing about Lala is—

Katie: Nope. Don’t wanna hear it, bye.

I do semi-agree that the appropriate time to bring up therapy probably isn’t Tom and Katie’s bachelor/ette party.

Back at SUR, James asks Lisa to cassh him ousside. He is still calling GG a smushy troll face and calling himself the white Kanye West. Damn I really thought he would have given this up by now. Apparently he made it through his entire DJ set without drinking. #BabySteps

James asks for his job back and Lisa shuts that shit down real quick.

James: But what if I—

Lisa: No.

James: But how about—

Lisa: No!

James clearly took advice on how to ask for his job back from the “Can I get yo numba?” guy.

Can I Have Yo Numba

Lisa proposes James stays sober for a year and then maybe he’ll get his job back. James’ response is “a YEAR??” Honestly, that would be my response too.

Back in New Orleans Brittany pulls Stassi aside so Stassi can complain that she’s like, 11th wheeling. Jax rolls up like a fuckboy who just saw you delete your relationship status on Facebook:

Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 15

Did Brittany just accuse Stassi of still being in love with Jax? Really not sure wtf happened there.

Oh so the reason Patrick was MIA for…his and Stassi’s entire relationsip… was because Patrick would never come hang when Jax was around. K…

Stassi’s crying and demanding an apology from Jax. He … says he was sorry. Holy shit. Brittany, how’s that feel?

Jax: I was a piece of shit, I was an asshole, I was a liar and a stealer.

You mean thief? We were doing so well with the analogies!

I Was Rooting For You

I legit feel bad for Brittany.

YAS BRITTANY, calling out Jax for never apologizing to HIS OWN FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. I am living for this new Brittany. If my man cried over his ex-girlfriend in front of my face … well, he’d either be my ex-man or he’d be an ex-man is all I’m sayin (read: I would castrate him). I am completely emotionally stable, what are you talking about?

This bachelorette party ended just like I thought it would: with everyone in tears. Safe to say it’s been a success.