Before I get started with this recap, I’d just like to address the commenter from last week who called me out for liking Kyle, to which I say: I have a weakness for guys I perceive to be gingers who look like J.Crew models. Fucking sue me.
Anywho, I’m back from a vacation and ready to take on this shit show, no holds barred. That’s right, no mercy from this betch. Oh, you’ve never heard of a small beach town across the country from you? Too fucking bad, I will roast your entire bloodline.
Oh thank God, they’re finally changing the dresses at SUR. And the big change is to … a black H&M dress (note the Dividend tag). Yeah I can see why that decision was years in the making—really big stuff happening over here at SUR.
Katie and Tom didn’t talk to each other all vacation because “absence makes thhe heart grow fonder,” or as everyone watching would put it, “we shouldn’t be married.”
As much as I hate Katie, her choker game is on point. Shirt game, not so much. Is that a flannel with a studded pocket? Yes, yes it is.
Oh boy, Kristen is doing a sketch comedy show. Is she going to talk about her future career in business? Because I’d go see that. Shit would be hilarious.
Brittany’s mom is visiting. Bless this poor woman’s heart. I don’t see how she’ll make it out of this trip alive. Also like, why is Stassi friends with all the Southern Charm people, and why hasn’t she introduced Brittany to them yet? That is a crossover episode I would watch the shit out of.
Lala goes up to Ariana and Tom at work and is basically like “I love you guys but I hate your friends.”
I’m with Sandoval; Lala should have told them right away she wasn’t going to come. Or at least, you know, fucking told them at all.
Lala: I’m not surrounding myself with people who don’t bring out the best in me.
^Probably also has a “Live, Laugh Love” poster.
Tom’s like “I don’t need people in my life that are going to fuck me over,” once again hijacking Ariana’s thing. But he was sticking up for his girl so I’ll let it slide.
OK Kristen is like, not terrible at comedy. Ariana’s not at the show because as we all know, Ariana is a Very Serious Sketch Comedian.
So the whole premise of this show is that there’s a fake app that turns unwanted dick picks into well-known works of art—someone needs to make this happen. Much to everyone’s extreme embarrassment, they ended up using a photo of Jax’s dick for one of the pictures. Everyone notices. Even people who haven’t fucked him. How??
Apparently Jax “Jaxed” some psycho a while back and she responded by tweeting out his dick pick. Oh wow that’s pretty fucked up that Jax was the victim of revenge porn. Even if Jax is a piece of shit, nobody deserves that, male or female. #Feminism
Jax: I mean my penis is what they model dildos after
And he just lost my sympathies. That was fun while it lasted.
Stassi’s like, “I’m impressed you can pick your boyfriend’s dick out of a lineup.” Try not having sex with your eyes closed, maybe that will help? However I would like a gif of all of Stassi’s penis impersonations. Is the old Stassi back??
Brittany calls Kristen over to call her out for using her bf’s penis. +1 for Brittany,
growing some balls standing up for herself.
Kristen: Have you ever tried to Google a dick pick? Do you realize how hard it is to actually find one?
Have you?? Did you turn off your safe search settings? Also if you needed some dick picks on short notice, you could have signed up for Tinder for like, .2 seconds. I need to be like, these people’s life consultant. Or internet consultant. SOMETHING.
Katie has given Lisa a bunch of pink and purple swatches for her dining room, and understandably Lisa is like, “fuck no.”
Katie: Lisa’s very particular, I wouldn’t expect that from someone who owns multiple restaurants and lives in a castle with a moat.
I think that’s exactly what I’d expect from someone who owns multiple restaurants and lives in a castle with a moat.
Katie’s explaining DickGate to Lisa. Lisa’s trying not to commit suicide (same).
Brittany and Jax are talking about the situation and she’s like “Jax knows I’m not stupid.” Phew, well that’s a relief.
Katie claims she never got dick picks from Jax and I’m gonna call bullshit right here.
Stassi and Kristen show up to Brittany and Jax’s so they can listen to the podcast.
Jax is like “WTF Kristen” and Kristen’s like, “It was a last-minute choice.” How does that make it ok? Not sure which would have been worse: pre-meditatively (is that a word??) using Jax’s dick pick, or resorting to using it because she was in a bind. Between this dick pick fiasco and Kristen not knowing what Montauk is, I’m gonna go ahead and say she’s never used the internet before.
Jax has fucked every girl in this room aka this is an Eskimo family reunion.
Then this devolves into a meeting of the “I Hate Lala Club” (what doesn’t these days) and Kristen’s trying to get James to turn on Lala. Stassi is uncharacteristically quiet through all this; this isn’t the Stassi I know.
Stassi calls Lala “a certified skank” and is going to pump James for proof, essentially. For the record, I got my skank certification back in ’09 and let me tell you, it was a complicated process with many rounds of rigorous testing. Not for the faint of heart.
Lala visits James. I think I have that gray dress she’s wearing. Not sure if I should burn it or …?
James: I was the guy that used to drink a lot and yell, but nowadays the only thing I scream for is ice cream.
Are you high?
Lala is giving James shit for being an UGH. On the one hand, I can empathize. On the other hand, stop fucking with the dude’s sobriety. He clearly has a problem. The theme of this show: high-functioning alcoholics who have no idea how addiction works.
Lala explains Ariana’s birthday situation and is basically like “yeah I just decided at the absolute last possible minute I didn’t wanna go so I just didn’t” and casually drops that she was at a suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel when she made this decision. Even James knows her bf is a sugar daddy and her mom’s not paying for suites at the Beverly Hills hotel.
James: So if you were really alone why didn’t you invite me to come chill?
Lala: Wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Malibu?
This is Deflection 101, and Lala just failed.
Lala thinks being on a private jet is an LA rite of passage. I’m gonna go with …
Oh man, Kristen and Stassi invited James to a restaurant to interrogate him. Kristen’s ultimate goal is to fuck Lala over and I’m really not sure why she cares so much. Can anyone tell me?
Kristen to James: Lala said everyone hates you because you’re such a slut.
James: And that was how I survived my first three-way call attack. Except not really because he spilled all the dirt in .3 seconds. Like, they didn’t even have to say “please.” These bros ain’t loyal.
James said he had to sign a Nondisclosure Agreement to go to Coachella with Lala. Holy shit. I also feel like showing people a copy your NDA probably violates your NDA but what do I know, all my legal knowledge comes from Law & Order.
Stassi’s like “this actually has been great fun” when James leaves. I think old Stassi will be making a comeback slowly but surely. THANK YOU.
Brittany’s mom shows up to Britt’s apartment and she is honestly so cute. She kind of looks like a Real Housewife of New Jersey but with a Southern accent. I mean, that silver lipstick. Those hoops. Gold hoops are my thing!
Brittany’s mom: Did y’all ever start going to a church?
Jax: A what?
Brittany’s mom goes to a Pentecostal church and is encouraging Jax to go with her. OK to be fair I’m not Christian but isn’t that the one where they speak in tongues? Not sure that’s the best intro to church. Edit: Because I am Kristen and I can use Google, I looked it up and I was right. Suck on that. Ayayayay!
It’s time for Katie’s bridal shower already, and Kristen is basically Katie’s
bitch personal assistant. She says it’s because Katie’s wedding is “so important” to her, but really it’s because she’ll do whatever it takes for these girls not to hate her again.
Katie’s bridal shower has a Taco Bell tower. I would make fun of it, but honestly, Chick Fil-A is probably going to cater my wedding, so. Respect.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s kind of random that Brittany’s mom is going to Katie’s bridal shower? Like, have they even met before?
Brittany’s mom to Jax, basically: I’m going to kill your entire family if you waste Brittany’s time by taking her out of Kentucky and moving her out to LA and then not even marrying her.
Jax: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Stassi thinks Ariana is milking her groomsman status by showing up to her bridal shower. To which my general response is:
Stassi: Katie wanted you here 0% and now you’re here 100%.
I mean how can you metaphysically be somewhere only 50%?
“Mrs. Bubba” – sounds like a biker gang nickname
Katie shows up to her own bridal party looking like a Snapchat filter/the entire female population of Coachella 2017.
Meanwhile the guys celebrate by going to an actual Mexican restaurant where they rehash the same shit we’ve been dealing with all season.
Jax: Brittany’s mom is pressuring me about marriage and kids
All the guys:
Lisa is like “Oh Brittany I would love to meet your mom so I can give her a psych eval on the low because she’s allowing you to date Jax.”
Lisa: She wants Brittany to marry Jax? Has she met Jax?
Good question honestly, but wow Lisa has no chill. Like, it’s one thing for us all to think that/write it in a show recap thousands of people read; it’s another thing to say it to her mom’s face. And then tell her Jax should get out of jail first and call him a bad dog. Honestly I want to hire Lisa Vanderpump to be my shit-talking translator, basically like Obama’s anger translator, Luther, but British and with more shade.
Brittany: If he breaks my heart I’ll break his dick.
Lisa’s impression of a Southern accent is everything. Right up there with Stassi’s dick impression. Y’all are on point this episode.
Teri, Katie’s mom, is giving basically the opposite of a roast to all the guests. Aka going around the room and saying nice things about everyone. Wake me up when this is over.
Stassi, you can join me on team Forever Alone. Or as I like to call it, Team Dead Inside. You are welcome at anytime. Our doors are always open even when our hearts are not.
Holy shit, the flowers budget alone is $15,000? Reason #242593 I’m never getting married.
Schwartz: See I’ve learned the key to a happy relationship is to never disagree with my fiancée if I want to keep my dick.
Stassi, Scheana, and Katie confront and Ariana about the Coachella NDA at the bridal party. Seems like an inappropriate time.
Stassi: So like did you sign an NDA to be able to party with Lala at Coachella?
Stassi: Ariana’s displaying the telltale signs of lying which is denying the thing I’m accusing her of.
Ariana, you are not going to win this fight unless you go with the hive mind. Have you not learned?
Somehow this gets turned into the Kristen and Ariana show, wherein we try to pretend that Kristen threatening Ariana with bodily harm and fucking Tom’s best friend twice is the same as Ariana making out with Tom one time (allegedly). And these situations are somehow analogous to Lala saying she wanted to fuck Schwartz. Honestly I got like 3 hours of sleep last night and just took some Adderall so I’m really not in the right head space to attempt to make sense of this reasoning. I’m just gonna leave it here for y’all.
Ariana: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Stassi and Scheana are trying to justify this (I think??) by saying that they all get in fights with their friends at some point and Ariana is like “I actually never get in fights with my friends” and Stassi is like “fuck this, I’m out.” Thus abruptly ends this episode.