‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Don’t Do It Brittany

So I’ve been reading on a lot of forums (Reddit and the one Facebook group I’m in about VPR) that the whole fight between Sandoval and Stassi at the book signing was completely staged. Bravo producers?? Totally make something up for ratings?? Never! I’ve gotta say, though, I would not have called that one. Have I gone soft? IDK. Then again, I did hear on good authority (my coworker who knows someone who was at the party) that although the fight was reshot, the actual emotions were real. Just a fun bit of info I thought I’d start this recap with! Feel free to debate whether or not #booksigninggate was real in the comments.

VPR opens this week with Jax watering his garden while wearing a sheet mask, and Scheana lamenting that she’s not sure 12 bathing suits for her Miami trip is enough. Damn, am I just terrible or have these people gotten relatable? Much to discuss in my next therapy appointment.

Brittany is all excited for her bachelorette party, saying they’re about to “tear Miami up”. With this group, she means that more literally than anything else.

We also learn that Kristen moved out into a house by herself and no longer lives with Carter. How good is the LA real estate market that Kristen bought a house in like, a week? Also, with what money? Kristen is basically a “friend of” the cast at this point.

Well, Kristen is bragging about “being single, having two cute dogs, being a homeowner, and just winning at life right now.” On the one hand, this is some pretty transparent overcompensating (also, can we even be sure that Kristen is single?). On the other hand, the comment still made me spit out my drink.

Butttt this singleness is clearly too good to be true, because Kristen still has a box or two of Carter’s sh*t that she’s moved into her house. Why do I feel like this box is going to become the “checking the mail” of this relationship? Just leave his sh*t on the curb where it belongs if you’re really done with him, sis! 

AND SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM THIS MORNING! I’m watching this in my office full of people and I audibly went, “UGH!” This motherf*cker is moving into Kristen’s house in like, two days tops. We all know it, let’s stop pretending. The second he comes to “get his boxes” it’s over.

Meanwhile at TomTom, these Junior Varsity team dumbasses have been alone for all of two minutes and already started a fire. So that’s how that keeps happening at Lisa’s restaurants…

Lisa pulls Max aside (of all people) to ask what happened between Sandoval and Stassi. Max tries to plead the fifth, but Lisa, in classic Lisa fashion, thinks he’s being coy and tries to pump Max for more info. 

While Max is left to deal with Lisa’s prying ass, the gang arrives in Miami. Scheana is apparently sharing a room with Peter because it’s cheaper, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little sad that she’s not in a room by herself again. That was just peak Shee Shu.

Sandoval pulls Stassi aside in an attempt to apologize, but it ends with him being like “but just so you know, we don’t plan events five days in advance.” This feels like a you problem…? Sandoval tries to low-key manipulate Stassi and be like “it just made my stress levels off the charts” and Stassi is like “okay but that’s not my problem.” ATTENTION MEN IN 2020: WE ARE NOT APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR PROBLEMS ANYMORE. Take some accountability. Yes this was a subtweet.

This is like, f*cking stupid because Sandoval’s whole argument is that Schwartz, Lisa, and Max “don’t plan events”. Okay, then take it up with your team and not the person planning the event—this sounds like an organizational issue.

Also Ariana kept talking sh*t about Stassi *checks notes* taking her own copy of her book, then planting it into an airport bookstore. So let me get this right: she would take one of the copies she already owns. Put it in an airport bookstore of all places, to *references notes* seem cooler? And this book would presumably not have a price sticker for the airport bookstore, so Stassi would (let me see if I’m getting this right) make no money from the sale of this book? All so she could maybe get the attention of a few passersby in a Hudson News stand at LAX?

Seems plausible.

This just furthers the many fan theories I’ve heard (from my friends) that Ariana and Sandoval are just salty that, at this point in filming, their cocktail book is not out yet, and at this point in reality, nobody cares about it. I’m just repeating what I’ve heard!

Lisa is initiating a three-way call attack on Sandoval from LA. It is truly masterful cinema. Schwartz calls Sandoval a grotsky little biotch and Lisa tells him she can’t go to Taco Bell because she’s on an all-carb diet, basically. The point is, Sandoval got gently told to stop being salty because he’s not the #1 guy in the restaurant.

In Miami, all the guys go to a strip club while the girls go to a regular club. Having these clowns at a strip club sounds like a recipe f0r disaster that only Gordon Ramsay could cook up, because all of them (except, to my knowledge, Beau) have cheated on their girlfriends at one point or another… Some of whom cheated at a strip club. Or was it with a stripper? Or both?! I can’t remember. Either way, it’s not going to be above board.

Katie is talking about how proud she is of Kristen for having a good time at the bachelorette and not being a mess. And, right after that… Kristen tips over as if pushed from the head by an invisible force. Meanwhile, Ariana has finally noticed that everybody is being weird toward her. 

Back at the strip club, I just watched Jax get full-on motorboated. And Beau decides this is the time to pull Sandoval aside “before everyone gets too wasted” as Sandoval is blinking, one eye at a time. Sure, “before” they get wasted. I love Zaddy Beau being like “you sent my girlfriend a nasty text” and Sandoval (pauses to sigh audibly) has to do his whole “Schwartz is incompetent, I’ve been working in the bar industry for 15 years, I know the ins and outs” routine. Well, I noticed that he’s adjusted his number last year down from 20, probably once everyone realized there was no way he was working at a bar when he was 15 years old.

On the one hand, do I get why Sandoval is salty because he and Tom are supposedly equal partners when one has spent 15 years as a bartender and the other had a panic attack after 15 minutes behind the bar one time. “On the other hand, this entire feud seems to boil down to pure jealousy,” I think to myself, about to put it in my group chat.

Cut to….

Sandoval, deranged: Everybody’s like, “Oh, this is just jealousy! You’re just jealous, Tom!”
Me: So you admit, you’re jealous?

Boom, lawyered.

Back at SUR, Danica is back, so hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya boyfriends. Lisa comes up to Dayna to ask how she’s doing, and Dayna diplomatically snitches on Scheana. I’m not mad about it. Dayna tells Lisa that Scheana is probably being mean to her because they both got Maxed. It’s the cycle of bullying continuing: Scheana got bullied and made to polish glasses and now is making Dayna do that. Stay in school, kids. Don’t cyberbully.

After going to a club called Shh (which has everything: syringes, babies in midi-length leopard skirts, shots of pinot grigio), Brittany doesn’t want to stop partying, so the group all goes to another club. This is what I would do, and why I learn the hard way time and time again that it’s better to quit while I’m ahead rather than continue the night’s descent into further debauchery. They get VIP bottle service and along with the sparklers for drinks, the bottle service girls bring out a sign saying “Don’t Do It Brittany” (look, we’ve all thought it. I can respect these random bartenders being brave enough to say it). 

Initially, Brittany thought it was a joke, until Kristen got in her ear and started making it seem like the club was making fun of Brittany and Jax. I doubt that the people at this bar actually have watched all 7 seasons of Vanderpump Rules; they probably do this to every bachelorette party. Get over yourself.

Brittany is crying, and her Southern accent is out of control—she is really trying with it. Literally everyone else besides Kristen is being like “guys it was just a joke, it’s supposed to be tacky, we’re all out here in tacky wedding dresses FFS.” 

Kristen, who is so clearly glomming onto “My Brittany” as a last-ditch attempt for relevance at this point, is still harping on the point that Brittany is allowed to be upset. Lala argues that she already acknowledged her feelings, Kristen says no you didn’t, Bravo ROLLS THE TAPE FROM 18 SECONDS AGO, and I am f*cking cackling. I love that the producers/editors are just as over this sh*t as I am. I also just realized that no wonder Lala is the only one who’s making sense; she’s sober.

Also, who is this girl who looks exactly like Lisa Edelstein at the bachelorette? Wait, is it her? I actually can’t confirm it’s not.

TG Jax comes in with pizza to save the day… JK it’s half-eaten pizza with discarded chicken bones. That feels like the kind of gift Jax would give. “I put in so much effort! I called the pizza place, I told them what I wanted, and I tipped the guy! And then I was so exhausted from doing all that work that I ate a few slices, sue me! I’m a horrible person, I know!!” 

The next day, everyone’s hungover, Schwartz is lying about having gotten a lap dance from a stripper, and the party is going to continue on a boat. Oh good, because if everyone starts fighting with each other, they can’t just leave!

Scheana starts talking sh*t about Dayna with all the girls. She says “I just don’t vibe with her” which is the most off-base euphemism for “I’m jealous she’s seeing the guy who didn’t want me” that I’ve ever heard. But ok. She also brings up the bra-shaming again. I love that Lala subtly challenges Scheana (because Lala also doesn’t wear a bra), and Scheana is forced to backtrack and be like “no, but you have great perky tits.” Oh, so your problem with Dayna is that you don’t like her tits? Let’s call HR up in here, this sounds like sexual harassment.

Kristen pulls Lala aside to talk, and has anyone else noticed that Kristen has been speaking this entire episode in barely audible mumbles that have to be subtitled? It’s almost as if… she’s too ashamed… of her own actions… to speak up about them…

Kristen clearly knows she f*cked up so she immediately apologizes for egging Brittany on and making her so upset. Ughhhh and she’s still texting Carter, and he’s coming over on Saturday to get his boxes. What’s in the box? Sex toys. Right, because those are totally irreplaceable and he couldn’t just go buy his own. I’m sure Adam & Eve would throw these two a sponsorship deal in a heartbeat if it’s a money issue. Kristen, we all know you and Carter are going to open up this box and put it to use, if you know what I mean, so quit pretending.

Also, I love that Kristen tries to lie to Lala for a moment about having slept with Carter, but then she probably quickly does the mental calculation that she admitted it to Ariana earlier this episode on camera, so that’s going to bite her in the ass real quick. Can someone explain to me why people lie when they know they’re being filmed? Do they think they are that skilled at manipulation, or do they just forget the cameras are there?

Lala does the lord’s work (I call my therapist the lord) of asking Kristen why she just can’t manage to be alone. Ah yes, the million-dollar question. Okay, so nobody except maybe Stassi is worth that much. The $30,000 question. Kristen’s response is basically that being “single and ready to mingle” (like Scheana) sounds like the worst thing ever. I feel like somebody needs to tell her (and Scheana) that you can be single and just like… normal. Not a thirst monster. Follow me on Twitter, I’ll show ya what it’s all about.

Ariana comes over to Stassi to “clear the air”. Ugh, I don’t even care anymore about this f*cking book signing, I’m ready to move past it. If I, a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, am able to move on, why can’t you guys?!

Stassi brings up the airport book thing (I’m actually glad we circled back to this), and either Ariana is kind of downplaying what she actually said, or this was a giant miscommunication. Given that these fools probably started drinking at the airport before even going through security, I’ll chalk it up to a miscommunication, with a little bit of saltiness on the rim.

The girls all go to dinner by themselves, and Kristen is outside talking to Carter on the phone, and I’m still not over how much Brittany’s friend Cara looks like my girl Abby from Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce. Yeah, I know, I’m the only person who watched that show. I stand by it!

Now Katie and Ariana are fighting about this book signing (can we please move on) and look, Ariana is not wrong that Schwartz should have told Sandoval that he agreed to an event. But then Sandoval should have blown up on Schwartz, not Stassi. Once again, this is an internal problem! And that’s the last I’ll say about this.

So, wait, in addition to Carter’s sex toys, Kristen has his photography equipment at her house? Next we’re gonna hear that she’s also got a box of his underwear, and his toothbrush, and is that his razor? Sigh.

Kristen does some expert deflecting like “let’s not talk about me being messy because it’s time to celebrate My Brittany”. Eye roll, but not a bad play. Kristen is really toting out her best therapy catchphrases, like “I’m doing the best that I can” and “this doesn’t feel like love to me.” It sure feels like love to me, though. You know what kind? Tough love. The kind of “love” Kristen wants isn’t love at all, it’s just blank-check enabling.

Kristen drops a f*cking bomb and brings up Schwartz f*cking around on Katie “for years” which causes Katie to just snap and call Kristen a miserable person. It’s funny because that’s what I’ve called Katie all of last season, but in this instance, I think she’s right. While Kristen is right that both Katie and Stassi were in miserable relationships, without Kristen making her disapproval a storyline, I still can’t help but have zero patience for this sh*t. Is it because Carter has baby teeth in an adult head? Is it because I still haven’t forgotten his weird “oh the stories, they are a-changin’” song? I’m not sure what the reason, but I am sure that I guess I’m buying what the producers are trying to sell me hook, line and sinker. (And yes, I did low-key forget to finish this recap, and no, nobody on the editorial team pointed it out to me! What an intoxicating reminder of the power I wield!) Anyway, see you all next week, and I promise I’ll hope to finish my thoughts.

Images: Bravo