‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: It’s Not About The Apple Watch

By Sara Levine | January 22, 2020
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Well guys, we’re back at it again with another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Gotta be honest, all I really remember from last week was calling my couch “the club”. *Chuckles to myself* good times, good times. Will I one-up myself from last week? IDK, tbh, that may have been the high point of my comedic career. Ah well. I had a decent run!

Since last episode, both Max and Brett got exposed for racist tweets in their past. They look the same and they have the same trash attitudes. What’s in the water over there? It remains to be seen if they will actually be fired, or cut out of the season at all. Knowing Bravo, I’m not holding out hope. In fact, they’ll probably give them a spin-off. Well, I guess that would be one way for me to learn to tell them apart. Just kidding, you can put me through 22 straight weeks of 40-year-olds denying they use illicit substances in order to consistently black out, but you could never put me through watching nothing but those Walmart brand Ken Dolls.

Full disclosure, I missed the first two minutes because Bravo didn’t come through with the screeners in enough time and it took me too long to get my live stream situated (you would think for one of the biggest companies in the world, Amazon would be able to deliver a decent product in the Fire Stick, but no). It doesn’t appear I missed much, because Stassi is just meeting with her mom and brother about her book tour and how it’s ending at TomTom. Seems fine, what could go wrong? A lot when Sandoval’s ego is concerned, apparently.

Back at SUR, Charli (the brunette new girl who miraculously doesn’t look like the third Dayna/Danica triplet) claims she’s never had pasta in her life. I was about to tell her that Dayna is not talking about the cocaine euphemism for pasta, but actual noodles, but then Charli explains she doesn’t eat pasta because she thinks it makes people gain weight. I’ve never really “eaten pasta” but from what I have heard about it, it’s supposed to do the opposite. And that’s how I determined that this girl really is talking about carbs. Listen, I know it must make you look hotter, and probably even feel better, but at what cost??

Danica got suspended because her boyfriend asked if she would have a threesome and she pushed him. Oh boy, I feel like we have a young Kristen Doute on our hands. Not sure if I should grab the popcorn or put out a trigger warning on Danica’s entire existence.

Scheana comes over to talk sh*t with the other two new girls about how Dayna is not wearing a bra. What is this, middle school? Come up with a better insult. I feel like being able to not wear a bra is a compliment. Women in LA pay lots of money for the ability to thwart physics!

Scheana tells Lisa that she has to confront Max about calling her boy crazy. I fail to see why she has to do that at his job when she literally already confronted him at the party? Oh, right, screen time.

Scheana: I have a crush on him, but I don’t want to date him.

Is that why you’re literally crying about him to your boss? How many times has Scheana said “I don’t want to date him” about some guy who didn’t give two sh*ts about her who she desperately wanted to date? Like, if you’re gonna lie to yourself and to the viewers, at least get some new material.

Welp, Brett and Max have made their first appearance five minutes into the episode, so so much for them getting fired.

As Brett, Max, Jax, Sandoval, and Beau are literally sh*t-talking Scheana, she texts Max to be like “wait are you not at work?” THE. DEVIL. WORKS. HARD. You know some producer was on a walkie-talkie with the guys’ producer like “hey are they there at the restaurant, over? Are they talking about Scheana, over? … Yeah ok Scheana go ahead and text Max, they’re definitely not all gathered around to talk sh*t about you.” 

I mean, I guess to be fair to Beau, he doesn’t really seem to be participating in the sh*t-talking, he’s just kind of spectating. However, what’s that quote about good people who do jack sh*t in the face of injustice being just as bad as, if nor worse than, the evil people? Call me Sweeney Todd because I just butchered that quote! Apologies all around.

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!!! (Not Sweeney Todd/Johnny Depp, Scheana.) Scheana just walked into the f*cking restaurant. I would be screaming at the top of my lungs but my roommate is next to me on the couch quietly eating dinner, so. I’ll contain myself. It’s sh*t like this that makes me love continue to tolerate this show.

This confrontation is sooo awkward. Max is doing anything to avoid eye contact. And I feel like Scheana is missing the definition of “boy crazy”. She’s like “I like attention from boys, but I don’t like being called crazy.” 

Me:
you keep using that word

Holyyyyy sh*t Scheana comes out WITH THE GODDAMN RECEIPTS AND IS JUST READING THEM TO MAX. TO HIS FACE. I was too shocked and impressed to transcribe them, but Max basically went all The Notebook on this girl and wrote her a novel of a text every day for a month (or however long they banged). And did anybody else notice him start to say “I didn’t—” but then realize there’s no way he can deny this? 

Also, Scheana brings up the Apple Watch again. I have an idea: can we fire Max but make his Apple Watch a cast member?

Scheana calls Max a f*ckboy and he… actually admits Scheana is right. Justice for Scheana. I love to see this. This is the energy I’m bringing into 2020. And yet, in typical Scheana fashion, she squanders her very rightfully won W by trying to pump Max for information about Dayna and get confirmation that they are not, in fact, dating, just so she can massage her own ego and convince herself that she wasn’t the problem; Max is just unable to commit to anyone. Have I attempted the same mental gymnastics before? Yes. Does it make it any less sad? It sure doesn’t.

Meanwhile, at Villa Rosa, Lisa is basically performing a dramatic reading of Stassi’s book for Ken. I love that Lisa acts like she’s scarred to read about Stassi having a bush when she literally helped bail her out of a sex tape blackmail situation? Stop being a prude, we’re out here eating ass on the first date in 2020, talking about having pubic hair is not a big deal.

Okay but what was with Lisa and her terrible French accent saying to the camera in French that she doesn’t understand why Brittany/people would pronounce Versailles (the city in Kentucky) as Ver-sales? Getting major T-Rav vibes, and I hate it. 

So I missed something because my live stream crapped out (f*ck you Amazon) but when we come back, Sandoval is rage-texting Stassi and threatening to kick Stassi and her entire book tour out of TomTom for unknown reasons. Did I miss something huge or did it just escalate that quickly?

And just when I thought I’ve finally been able to pick out these boys in a lineup, apparently there’s ANOTHER Brett (Lord, beer cheese me strength), and he’s the one who asked Danica about the threesome (and whom she shoved). He gave her the $1,300 she would have gotten if she hadn’t been suspended… so she f*cked him. Damn, and when I f*cked my ex again after we broke up, all I got was newfound intimacy issues. I would have taken the money if that was an option, so I’m not gonna hate.

Charli is really reminding me of someone, and it’s bothering me. Stay tuned for when I figure it out later in this recap.

The brunette from Call Her Daddy? Anyone see it?

SUR is basically private school, because the girls are all figuring out how to shorten their dresses so their asses hang out. Is that not against dress code? I need to see everybody’s arms at their side, please! Hems should not go above the fingertips!

Wait, I have the same sewing machine. I don’t know how to feel about this.

So, Scheana feels like Max should prioritize her over Dayna. For what reason, though?? Dayna is going on dates with him. Scheana is not. I know guys don’t really value dates/emotional attachment and only tolerate it as the means to an end (sex) (no I will not elaborate further at this time), but Dayna is f*cking him and Scheana is, hopefully, not. Why would he prioritize her? Also Scheana brings up the Apple Watch AGAIN, really just furthering that this watch needs its own talking head. 

For the record, I’m truly disturbed that Scheana thinks her buying Max an Apple Watch makes her entitled to his attention. This is very r/niceguys (another deep Reddit cut, you know how I do!), and you know the internet would be having a field day if the genders were reversed. At this point, she just needs to ask for the damn watch back if she’s going to try to use it as a bargaining chip for his attention. Or sue him in small claims court. Wait. I would kill to see Scheana and Max on Judge Judy.

Okay, so apparently Sandoval rage-texted Stassi because a bunch of bartenders canceled at the last minute? Or were not available? IDGI. Okay, what really happened? Because unless Stassi personally threatened to stab all of the bartenders with a diamond, I fail to see how this is in any way her fault.

Apparently Sandoval is also currently in the ER because he got bit by a spider? I just don’t have the words for this, so I’m going to move on.

Stassi’s book party seems to have gone well… until Sandoval comes back from the ER (that was fast, what ER did he go to? And do they take United Healthcare Oxford?). Sandoval is raging mad, because I guess they were understaffed because the book party was happening before TomTom technically opens. Okay so that kind of makes sense, except it’s not Stassi’s job to staff Lisa’s Tom’s restaurant. Katie says that even still, it was ridiculous for Sandoval to threaten to kick Stassi out of TomTom. And I… agree?? Ariana and Sandoval are not hearing it, and Schwartz calls them an echo chamber of negativity. That is so good. Not as quite as good as a cacophony of Katie, but pretty close. I will now be referring to my parents as an echo chamber of negativity.

(Just kidding, they’re really supportive and great! Love you, mom & dad!)

Katie accuses Sandoval of being jealous of Stassi. Apparently Sandoval says “they have known me long enough to know my biggest fear in life is being viewed as jealous.” Seriously, dude? Mine is being murdered, but go off.

No, you know what? I’m not ready to move on yet. That is the DUMBEST fear I’ve ever heard of in my life. Of all the negative things you wouldn’t want to be seen as (just off the top of my head: racist, sexist, otherwise bigoted, selfish, mean), the worst one is jealous? Literally, why? Also, if your biggest fear is centered around how others perceive you, you’re in for a lifetime of insecurity/misery. Yeah, I went to therapy. Okay, now I’m ready to move on. 

Stassi comes marching up to Tom like, “you have a bunch of customers here buying drinks, so what’s the issue?” Okay so Sandoval is basically trying to pull rank and claim that Stassi should have cleared this event personally with him, and Stassi is like “I cleared it with Lisa who owns most of this bar, the f*ck you mean?” I mean, where is the lie? Sandoval just stands there with a sh*t-eating grin on his face, probably because he knows Stassi is losing her sh*t and he’s going to stand there and look calm and manipulate this situation to make her out to be the bad guy later. Ahh yes, this is the Sandoval I remember, the one who has it out for Stassi for very unclear reasons. Anyone else remember Jeremy At The Wedding Gate? Just me? 

Sandoval clearly forgot this bar is called TomTom, and not Tom, because he’s trying to condescend to Schwartz for not knowing how to use a POS system. I’m sure he could figure it out, the dude can use the word “cacophony” correctly. Is it really that deep? And also, why are you not teaching your own business partner something as essential as how to use the POS system in a pinch? I smell control issues!

Also, I love that Sandoval is trying to act like he’s f*cking Mother Teresa for letting Stassi do her event at TomTom for free. My dude? You’re getting tons of free publicity, plus Stassi could have done this event at literally any other venue for free if she sent out like, one DM.

I enjoy the fact that Dayna calls bras “breast prisons” and I truly do not understand the narrative of not wanting people to see your nipples through your shirt. Oh no, whatever will I do if people know that I, a grown-ass woman, have nipples?!

Dayna pulls Scheana aside to basically be like “what’s your issue with me?” Scheana’s response is to say “are you gonna pull every girl Max is talking to aside, or just me?”

Okay first of all, Max is talking to you in the sense that you have conversations, but it doesn’t look like you’re “talking” in the colloquial sense. Get a f*cking grip. Also, Scheana, Dayna is not going to pull aside every girl Max is “talking to” because you’re the only one who’s butting into her business.

Watching Scheana accuse Dayna of being more into Max than Max is into her is the sweetest projection I’ve ever seen in my life. Put this scene in psychology textbooks. It is classic. Sad, deeply sad, but classic.

The next day, Schwartz has to deal with Sandoval, and LOL they’re going to Miami the next day! For once I’m siding with Katie in that Sandoval is 100% wrong.

WHO AM I???

Oof meanwhile, Sandoval has started the manipulation train (called it!) to call Ken and claim Stassi shouted at him in front of customers at TomTom. Yes, that’s true, but he’s also leaving out why she was screaming at him.

(P.S. I saw Giggy blink so I can confirm that he is either still alive or they have him rigged up to a great automatic system.)

So Schwartz goes over to Sandoval’s house to squash this, and it does not go that well. I’m getting the sense that “my f*cking restaurant” is going to be Sandoval’s “I’m getting married” refrain of the season. We get it, you own less than a majority share in a restaurant. Next.

Sandoval claims Stassi is banned from TomTom and if she comes in, she’s getting “thrown out immediately.” Yeah, I have a feeling that will stick about as well as Katie’s beauty blog. Sorry, had to do it.

Anyway, I’m liking this season so far because at this point, it seems like anybody’s game. Who is getting a redemption arc? Who is going to look terrible? Hard to say just yet, but that’s what I like about this show. Like Scheana, I don’t have blind loyalty to anybody and just go with my moral compass/whoever I think is right. You may rent a space in my good graces, but you cannot stay there permanently! And that’s what keeps this sh*t interesting. Stay tuned, to see if Katie will continue making sense and Ariana will have to do damage control for Sandoval, and also if James will be a part of this season at all.

Images: Bravo; Giphy