Tonight begins the Vanderpump Rules reunion part 1, of a three-part reunion, because Andy Cohen really does not think I have a life. I’ve got things to do, bar trivia to play. Why are there so many parts, Andy? Nobody could have distilled this shit into less than three hours? You really think your Vanderpump Rules reunion is better than Titanic? Is that what you’re telling me right now?
Anywho. We start off the reunion by clarifying that Jax and Brittany are still together, much to the nation’s collective “uuuggggh”. Brittany’s rocking some serious braid situation, and I feel like someone should tell her it’s not Coachella. All the couples are going strong, which is not surprising but also not interesting.
Andy calls out Lala’s hoops and he’s like, “the bigger the hoops, the happier you are.” Lala of course says “the bigger the hoops the better the blow job.” Ugh, I truly hate this girl sometimes. It’s “the bigger the hoops, the bigger the hoe.” Everybody knows that. Does EVERYTHING have to be about pleasing the male genitalia with you??
Sandoval tells Jax he was being a dick this summer. Looks like the pot calling the kettle a dick.
Andy brings up the potential elder abuse situation between Jax and Faith. Andy is the real MVP. I knew I couldn’t could on any of these idiots to call out elder abuse, or even know what it is, but Andy is leaving no stone unturned this reunion. Jax is pulling a John Cena, like “I didn’t see anything.” Yes I know that reference doesn’t quite hold water; just go with it.
Andy: Why’d you do it?
Jax: That’s the million dollar question.
If we knew that, Jax wouldn’t be cheating. Andy’s trying to accomplish in one reunion what would really take years of therapy to get through.
Andy asks Schwartz why he has such blind loyalty to Jax. Schwartz says some bullshit about them being friends since day one in LA or whatever, when it’s obviously because all these dudes have insane blackmail on each other. It’s a real Nick Viall/Chris Harrison situation.
So we’re all talking about how everyone loves Lala now, and typical Scheana has to jump in and make it about her and be like, “well you were mean to me.” Okay, one, nobody even asked you. Perhaps the best moment of the reunion is Lala calling Scheana a baby dolphin. And we’re only like, five minutes in at this point. I feel like the reason Lala and Scheana hate each other now is because they’re kind of the same—all they do is talk about their respective mans. Men? Whatever. It’s not my day, grammar-wise.
I also need to say now that as much as I’m going to love the Jump on Scheana train, all these clowns better watch themselves. If it weren’t for Scheana and her nonexistent morals and affair with Eddie Cibrian, none of these scrubs would be here on this show in the first place. They will never get rid of Scheana, no matter how seriously Andy considers impaling himself when she speaks.
Andy: James, three people have come forward now and claimed that they had sex with the White Kanye while you were dating Raquel.
Lala: Ok my man is Kanye, James is the white Ray-J. So the question is, how does everyone feel about sucking off the white Ray-J?
What the hell was that? Lala, I’m glad(ish) that you brushed up on your hip-hop references besides Eminem and Dr. Dre, but bitch, no. Your pudgy old-ass boyfriend is not Kanye. OK maybe he’s Kanye in the beginning of 2016, but still. I have not heard of one single movie Randall has produced; you are not going to compare him to the man behind Late Registration.
In other news, Brittany used the word “deflect” correctly, and I’m shocked.
I am SO FUCKING GLAD Andy is bringing up Patrick using big words out of context just to sound smart. Andy is not holding back, and I have a new appreciation for him.
I’m also fucking living for this roast of Patrick. Can we just cancel the reunion and roast all the shitty boyfriends on this show? I’m gonna start a change.org petition.
Back from commercial break, Andy decides to ask Ariana why she and Tom hadn’t had sex in the beginning of the show, as if we didn’t go through multiple episodes of her vagina shame acted out on camera.
And then we go right from that to Jax’s dad dying. What the fuck, Andy? Tell your cue card writers to write you some transitions.
Me watching Jax talk about how Brittany took over when his dad died:
Jax does not deserve Brittany. Tristan does not deserve Khloé. I am sensing a theme here, and it is that men ain’t shit. This week and every week, here on Vanderpump Rules and also on Earth.
Now we’ve arrived at our regularly scheduled programming about TomTom, and subsequently, my nap. We’re talking about return on investments. Hold up, are we on Shark Tank? How did Lisa take $50K checks from the Toms and not cash the check? That’s fucking crazy. If my landlord were to cash my rent check two days late, my entire budget for the month would be fucked and I’d be eating beans and rice until my next pay day.
We learn that Lisa never had a formal contract with Tom. This isn’t good. I hope they aren’t getting screwed over. Then again, the potential PR fallout is a pretty good stand-in for a contract.
Lisa: If they don’t like my choices, they can suck it.
Verbatim. Tell me about how they’re partners?
JAX AND BRITTANY DON’T USE ANY PROTECTION! I AM SCREAMING. FOR HUMANITY. FOR BRITTANY’S FUTURE.
Now Jax is talking about how his dad took over his body? Huh? Has he been smoking too much weed with Lala?
Stassi is talking about how Jax really changed in the past few months. Hmm, like how much he changed when he started dating Brittany?
And now we get to the good part: the roast of Scheana Shay.
Apparently Lala and Scheana aren’t friends because Scheana didn’t like, call her enough to check in. This whole drama about the private jet was like, a lot. But basically, Scheana didn’t get invited on Lala’s boyfriend’s private jet to Vegas, and she’s mad because that would have been really useful so she could have used Randall’s jet as her own personal moving truck. Scheana is an asshole and her self-absorption knows no bounds. Holy fuck, what is it LIKE to be her?
I love that everyone’s openly rolling their eyes as Scheana tells the story of how she met Rob. Scheana starts crying and FINALLY stands up for Shay and says that Shay actually had her back throughout everything that happened during filming, unlike a certain one Robert Parks Valletta. It is her one redeeming moment since… the entire time I’ve learned of her existence. Rob apparently dumped Scheana once filming wrapped, but he’s still texting Jax and Lala and everyone to hang out. I wonder if she’s gonna delete all those tweets where she defended him from those Toca Madera rumors? She better.
I’m so into this “trash everybody’s exes” theme we’ve got going on this episode. We have started the Rob Is Exposed Party, and I’m too excited. Let’s blacklist this dude and his shitty “my bae and me” Instagram account from all of female-kind. Seriously, guys, look at his Finsta. It is soooo cringey. And possibly indicative that he is a serial killer.
Jax tries to call Scheana out for not calling him after his dad died, and Scheana like loses it because she sent him a text. A text? I’ve shows more courtesy for people I don’t even like. Love Ariana shadily taking off her shoes and just slinking backstage to talk to Scheana.
Also let’s talk about how typical Scheana of it is to leave the middle of the reunion because “I need a break” but really she just goes backstage to get her makeup touched up.
Andy: Ariana, is she coming back?
Ariana: Yeah, her eyelashes came off.
Andy: Oh. Her makeup. *eye roll*
Andy Cohen really goes for the fucking jugular.
Sandoval takes out a flask in the middle of Jax’s tirade and just chugs from it. Sandoval is Rihanna. Sandoval is me. Am I Rihanna? Wait. No.
And we end this reunion with Scheana, sitting in the makeup chair, saying “this is harder than my divorce.” God, I fucking love this show. You can’t make up this trash. I will never stop watching. I am locked in for life.