‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 1 Recap: Everyone Shut The F*ck Up

It’s not over yet, Pumpheads. Even though the Vanderpump Rules season 7 finale was last week, we’ve still got three—count ’em, THREE—weeks of reunions to get through. I truly can’t wait. It looks like things are going to get completely insane.

The way they are introducing the reunion is very annoying, with cuts of the gang getting ready inter-spliced with soundbites of everyone saying their best zingers. I will not be recapping that, and you all can deal, because we’re just going to view those same soundbites at some point anyway over the next three weeks.

Quick recap of the looks: Stassi looks amazing (but also appears to be wearing the same dress she wore in every talking head, and also the dress Kristen wore to get her mail back from Tom Sandoval post-breakup), Ariana looks equally amazing (but looks like she’s wearing the same dress as last year). I don’t actually hate Scheana’s look. Kristen looks a mess (why would she wear a huge silver choker with a glittery gold/copper dress?). Katie for once actually doesn’t look like a complete mess, keeping it simple with a black dress and a nice berry colored lip. Brittany looks like she is about to go to junior prom, but her hair looks great. Lisa looks like she’s about to go ring lead a circus? Which I suppose she is. So on that note, let’s dive in!

Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1

Andy spends 10 minutes doing a round of introductions, thanking James for bringing his cleft chin. This is like Andy’s roast portion of the evening.

Holy sh*t, Kristen is single at the time of the reunion taping and nobody even knew! However, she already appears to be back with Carter, so really this isn’t even worth pursuing as a line of inquiry.

We open with James’s complete fall from grace this season, and the infamous “Jax f*cked Faith” rap. Lisa asks James if he planned the rap, and he says condescendingly, “No Lisa, I didn’t plan the rap. It was a freestyle.” Jax says, “but out of all the things you could have freestyled and rapped, why did you choose that?” as if he had never said anything regretful in the spur of the moment. And that’s not to excuse James, but to point out, once again, that with the exception of probably Sandoval and Ariana, none of the people in this room have a leg to stand on when it comes to calling each other out for bad behavior.

Andy, thank God, does the Lord’s work and says to Jax that his reason for not forgiving James boiled down to, essentially, “how many mistakes is one person gonna make”? And in Andy’s words, “Jax, isn’t that a little rich coming from you?” Jax gives his oft-spoken speech of trying to be a better person and doing better and blah blah blah. Kristen tries to erase history and claim James was never part of the friend group, when James points out that Kristen put James into this group and show in the first place! If anybody out here reading this still likes Kristen—and I’m talking about current Kristen, not Crazy Kristen of days of yore—you’re not going to like this recap, because she’s officially gotten on my last nerve.

James clearly DGAF that he lost Lala as a friend, because he doesn’t believe that she’s really here for him I guess. Whatever, I don’t care. James has truly gone full cartoon villain status, and I’m both excited and nervous to see what next season brings for him. Kristen butts in for no reason to tell James to stop talking and stick up for Lala so she can keep that PJ invite.

We switch gears to talk about Scheana’s mess of a love life. Scheana says “I just date f*ckboys because they’re fun to hang out with and they’re hot to look at,” which is the best and realest thing Scheana has ever said in her life. She reveals that she and Adam are still hooking up—”hanging and banging,” she calls it—but not dating. I wonder what changed his mind from total revulsion? Was it the penguin?

Then it’s time for the Jax and Brittany show. Jax says that he and Brittany aren’t getting a prenup because he and Brittany are going to be together forever. Yikes. Said everyone who gets screwed over in divorce, ever. Honestly, good for Brittany. Get that bread. This is pretty much exactly the come-up scenario she wanted, so I can’t hate on it.

Lala and Randall are getting a prenup, however. Lala and Randall? Being smart? I am shocked. Andy brings up the fact that Randall has been on Flipping Out and KUWTK and yet, not Vanderpump Rules. Andy begs the question: is it fair that Lala doesn’t show all of her life on the show when everyone else does? Everyone else says no. Scheana tries to say, very diplomatically, that it is not quite fair. Lala’s response? “Find someone with a career.” I see her logic: Randall has a lot more to lose by being on this show—and in fact, history has shown us via Foftygate that on-air admissions could cost him a million dollars! But still, that was kind of harsh to come at innocent Shee-Shu that way.

Stassi tries to say that Beau is just as important as Randall, career-wise, and Beau is still on the show. Yeah, look, I don’t know how the movie business works, but Beau doesn’t have a character on Entourage based off of him, so I’m going to say that as gross as Randall is, Rand is probably more important.

Even Lisa agrees that Lala is being unfair by not putting Randall on the show, especially considering he hangs out with all the cast members (minus James Kennedy, which Kristen unnecessarily points out). I guess, but do we really need another terrible adult on this show of adults acting terribly? I think we’ve hit our quota.

Lala deflects, again, by telling Scheana that she brings sketchy dudes around who just want camera time. Which may very well be true, but how does that take away from everyone’s legitimate criticism that Lala has an unfair advantage by not putting Randall on the show? Oh right, it doesn’t. I swear, if I were half as good at deflection as any of these people, I would get so far in life.

Next we talk about Lisa trash talking Tom Tom. Cool, I still don’t care about this story line, and I never will. At this point I can only hope Tom Tom gets a spin-off so I can willfully not tune in. Tom tries to argue that Sly, with all her decades of experience, can’t compete with Sandoval, who has been working on the cocktail list for six to eight month. Um, I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how having decades of industry experience works. Then Ariana asks “well what about the frozen shot machine?” and Lisa spouts off some BS excuse about it not being there when Ken was planning the bar, and then it was too late by the time it came in. Ariana calls out that the frozen shot machine was sitting at the bar for three months, and Lisa just kind of says what I say to my boss when I very clearly f*cked up a big project but don’t want to accept responsibility: “Well, I don’t know!” (half-hearted shrug). This may be the first time we have gotten a glimpse of RHOBH Lisa Vanderpump. Is Frozen Shot Machine Gate the new PuppyGate? Stay tuned for more as Lisa continues to double down.

Then Katie is upset that the Toms have not received a salary. But do they actually even work at the restaurant? Also, it just started. Should they even expect to see any returns after, what, a year at most? I don’t know how these things work, but I don’t think you can expect to take a salary that quickly. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from watching Shark Tank.

After commercial break, Raquel joins the reunion wearing a crazy dress that I’m sure we have all talked about ad nauseam, so I don’t need to discuss it further here. Instead, I will leave this Instagram upload from James Kennedy about a different dress Raquel recently wore.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

😂 imma put this right here ….. fofty said leave it. #fofmate

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Raquel recently interviewed at SUR and Lisa confirms she will be working there. Katie’s mind is already spinning, trying to think of ways she can play the victim to get her fired. We revisit the rumors that Hope hooked up with James at Coachella, and Raquel says that Hope was never even at the house that they were renting. Hmm. Andy brings up a good point: What would Hope gain by lying that she hooked up with James? 

Raquel then goes into some weird pageant speech about how she started doing pageants because she has social anxiety, but she doesn’t even get to finish delivering her canned monologue because James starts taking shots at Brittany for unknown reasons, implying she’s not beautiful for not being a beauty queen (?) unless I’m looking too far into things. But the way they are scoffing at Raquel for calling herself a beauty queen when she… did pageants… seems petty.

Jax and Brittany immediately start yelling over Raquel. Ariana yells at them to shut up and Jax and Brittany take this as a personal affront. Remember, in this group, you’re only a good friend if you remain blindly loyal at all times, no matter who is in the wrong.

Anyway, back to the cheating rumors. Apparently Lala watched James suck on another girl’s tit at the club, while he was dating Raquel. Number one, is that legal? Can you just do that in public? I need to like, tell somebody about this. 

Ariana, voice of reason, says that James and Raquel considered them moving in together as a fresh start to their relationship. Raquel finally admits that James probably wasn’t completely faithful before they move in together. Andy, new voice of reason and perpetual messy bitch, points to Jax and Brittany and says that sounds a lot like what the two of them went through when Brittany was still living in Kentucky. And even when Brittany was living in LA when Faith was over that one time. Andy didn’t say that last part, that’s just my editorializing.

Katie, of all people, tells Raquel that she doesn’t understand how she can just accept that James cheated and stay with him because it will eat away at her. Katie, whose husband made out with another girl only last year. KATIE. Katie.

James has a moment of hypocrisy that made me laugh out loud, when they talk about how Raquel wanted to go to girls night to get closer with all the girls, but James didn’t want her to.

James: I got over it quickly and you went to the party and everything was cool.
Raquel: No, I didn’t go to the party because you didn’t want me to.
James: Oh, good, I’m glad you didn’t go.

Spoken like every “What’s up ma, you’re beautiful. Oh, you can’t even say hi? F*ck you bitch, you’re fat and ugly anyway”-ass dude out there.

Lala has a moment of redemption when she reveals that part of the reason she is so harsh towards Raquel is because James, one time in Vegas, Lala a c*nt in front of her dad and Raquel didn’t stand up to him. Okay, see, this is putting the “bambi-eyed bitch, you don’t empower other women” day into a lot more perspective. Does it excuse Lala’s actions completely? No, but it provides some healthy context. Sometimes I forget that things happen off-camera that factor into what we see on-camera! And that’s why I am always quick to change my mind with new information. And that, in turn, is why I could never be friends with any of these people.

Stassi tells Raquel that, basically, the girls don’t like that Raquel stands by James. Raquel asks, rhetorically, if they’d all be happier if she would publicly embarrass him.

Me, the girls, Lisa Vanderpump:

I’m truly confused because a comment about Lala lacking basic manners (because she won’t apologize to Raquel, not really how manners work, but fine) turns into James making fun of Jax and Brittany for sh*tting with the door open. I mean, I would too? New York bathrooms are small and leaving the door open gives my knees more room.

Raquel further digs herself into a hole when she tries to double down on her comments that Lala was using her dad’s death as an excuse to treat Raquel poorly and avoid having a conversation she didn’t want to have. Yikes.

Sandoval kind of tries to stick up for Raquel (apparently his dad spent three weeks in a coma, so that gives him the license to speak on this without everyone dog piling on him), and tries to say that his grief didn’t give him license to yell at everyone he didn’t like. We are pretty much split now into to camps: the camp that thinks you need to do whatever you need to do to get over your loss (Jax, Lala, that side of the room), and the side who thinks that grief doesn’t give you a carte-blanche to act however you want without repercussions (Sandoval, Lisa). As a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I really won’t choose a side here, considering I can’t even begin to empathize with Lala or Jax. I will say that this show has just gotten extremely dark, and watching it makes me feel weird now.

Raquel leaves, and we segue into talking about Lisa’s brother passing away.

Andy: How have you been coping?
Lisa: 

She pretty much immediately started crying. Andy is like, “still raw, huh?” YES, ANDY. Clearly it is still raw! Jesus Christ.

Why the f*ck is Kristen crying right now? Honestly she just gets on my nerves because I feel like she tries to d*ck ride everyone to stay on the show.

This sh*t takes an extremely dark turn when we revisit everyone’s dad’s deaths. Neither Jax nor Jenny are speaking to their mom for not informing them their dad was in the ICU. James gets called out for a f*cked up tweet in which he essentially said Jax and Lala need to just get over their dad’s deaths, and this is where James drops a supposed bomb that doesn’t quite hit: that Jax supposedly made a fake Twitter account pretending to be Raquel to spread homophobic rumors about James. Jax, of course, lies about it and acts incredulous. Ariana then pipes up and says Jax’s phone number was connected to the Twitter account! Lol, what a f*cking idiot. Of course he wouldn’t know how to make a burner Google Voice account in order to make a fake Twitter just to publicly disparage someone he hates. Not speaking from experience or anything!

So Jax gets up and gets in James’s face, saying, “you wanna talk about my dad? You wanna talk about my dad?” No, he wants to talk about why you’d make a fake Twitter account, pretending to be Raquel, to disparage James. But good deflection! Jax then calls Raquel a little bitch, which I’m sure everybody is going to let fly because they don’t like Raquel! But if James called one of the women a bitch, they would (rightfully) start World War III. But is Jax going to have any consequences for this? Is Brittany going to get crucified for not putting Jax in his place? Of course not.

James calls Brittany a hillbilly, and Jax is OUTRAGED. He’s like, “so we’re just gonna sit here and allow him to call people hillbillies?” I mean, I don’t know, I guess, considering we’re apparently just going to sit here and let you call people bitches? I’m pretty sure you can say hillbilly on the radio; you can’t say bitch. So let’s not play a game of “which word is a worse insult?”, or I WILL call John Mulaney in here.

Brittany says she’s proud to be a hillbilly, because at least she’s not a sh*tty person like James. Kristen, for literally no reason, starts clapping and yelling “boom, motherfucker, boom.”

No one:
Not a single person:
Seriously, nobody on this planet:
Kristen: BOOM! Yeah bitch, James is over! I did it!

This is, at the heart, why I cannot stand Kristen this season.

Still nobody:
Still not a single person:
Still, seriously, nobody even asked:
Kristen: Nobody’s going to f*ck with my Brittany because she’s the light of my life.

…Ok Kristen.

The remainder of the reunion is basically everyone yelling over James. James calls Jax an old man, Jax gloats about how much better his life is than James’s. James calls Brittany a bitch, and nobody really kills him over it, so perhaps I spoke too soon about the double standard between James and everybody else in this regard. Sandoval tries to sort of stick up for James, or at least, point out why Jax is being hypocritical (I think, I can’t really discern what’s going on over all the yelling), which is where Brittany screams at him to stop because he’s Jax’s best man. Sandoval tries to scream back a justification, and it’s a f*cking fiasco. They’re all yelling. Finally, Andy yells at them all to just shut the f*ck up.

Amen, Andy. Everyone. All of you. Shut the f*ck up.

Until next week.

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