And we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite reality show! No, not The Bachelor, the other show consisting of fame-hungry people looking for love in a hopeless place. In this case, that hopeless place is not a mansion in LA, but
a series of identical houses in LA their own souls. Kidding, sort of!
Last week, we met some of the newbies, Scheana acted thirsty, Lala invented a new Oscar contender, and Kristen lost her composure. It doesn’t sound all that different from anything else that’s happened in VPR seasons 1-7, but I promise it was actually exciting. Speaking of exciting, thank you all for the kind DMs! They warmed my cold heart—but not so much that I’m not prepared to be vicious in this recap. When I end up in hell for these, at least I can say I had selfless intentions because I’m doing it for you. Also, party in hell, you’re all invited.
This week, we begin at Jax and Brittany’s house, where Brittany is getting her Glamsquad done and Lala, Stassi, and their friend Courtney (hi, Courtney!) help her with a boudoir shoot for the wedding. I’m impressed Brittany initially pronounced boudoir correctly… only to immediately butcher it. It’s not “beau door”, you had it right the first time! Also, nothing has changed my life for the better more than knowing Brittany has a lower back tattoo of a fleur de lis.
Apparently Jax and Brittany are having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party (a trend worse than the beer cheese to emerge from this show, why do people do this?) and the big question is if Carter will manage to mooch his way into one more trip with Kristen. For her sanity, let’s hope not. For my entertainment, let’s.
At Villa Rosa, Brett comes over to train Lisa. As in personal train. As in instruct Lisa on some sit-ups while he sh*t talks Scheana. However, Brett says probably the most accurate statement about Scheana since Schwartz called her a bootleg Kardashian: “I made out with Scheana once for two seconds in her kitchen and you would think that I got down on one knee and got her a six-carat ring.”
Brett knowing how many carats are in a diamond ring gave me vibes of:
No less than two seconds later he drops this other truth bomb: “I have to almost hold up a dictionary and let her know what ‘friend’ means.” Honestly, that would help. Have we ever tried this? Can we confirm the girl knows what the word “friends” means?
Also, damn. I know I’m supposed to hate Brett, but I kind of like Brett. I like people who call it like it is, what can I say!
I love that while Katie, Stassi, Kristen, and Ariana have all moved on from waitressing, poor Scheana is still stuck training all the newbies. Guess that podcast isn’t doing too great. However, Scheana is taking it in stride by hazing the newbie Dayna by forcing her to polish all the glasses. Eh… I’ve heard worse hazing stories.
Scheana and Dayna rehash their drama, which Scheana claims stems from her thinking Max shouldn’t sleep with his staff, but we all know really stems from Max sleeping with anyone that isn’t her. Scheana says “date him, bang him, I don’t care”. Well that’s the biggest lie I’ve heard this episode. Then again it’s only been… *checks watch*… nine minutes.
Lala invited James to the studio, which we all know is a huge step. She is there with that one recurring producer friend and her brother. Holy sh*t, Lala has a brother named Easton? I’m not well. What do we think his actual name is? Eric? Yeah, I bet it’s Eric.
It doesn’t actually seem like James contributed anything in the studio other than listening to Lala’s new song. But hey, you gotta force that drama somehow I guess.
Lala is trying to give James the hardcore benefit of the doubt and she’s like, “you’re a good guy even though you’ve done f*cked up sh*t” and James is like “what f*cked up sh*t?” Oh James. You of all people really should know, since the entire rest of the cast spent all of last season screaming an itemized list of your transgressions at your face. Even if you were blacked out, you still did those things. James and Lala squash their beef and Lala agrees to unblock James. In 2019, that’s the equivalent of a peace treaty between two world powers.
Oh Jesus Christ, in addition to Dayna there’s a Danica, who is also an assistant manager at SUR, who also looks identical to Dayna, just with slightly darker hair. So we’ve got Dayna/Danica and Brett/Max. Like, I know that diversity in terms of LGBTQ/POC representation is out of the question on this show, but could we just get diversity in the terms of… every single person not looking like bootleg versions of each other?
Danica reveals that she brought two of her friends to TomTom and Max slept with both of them (at different times, he may be a d*ck but he’s not a total monster). She also says he’s a pathological liar and claimed he owned a part of TomTom. She, Ariana, and Scheana all laugh at Dayna, whom they are certain is being taken for a ride by Max (in more ways than one, hey-o!). Still, I don’t like this mean girls routine from Scheana, especially considering she gives the exact same googly eyes towards Max/Brett/every guy who’s breathed in her direction that she is making fun of Dayna for doing.
In true Scheana fashion, she told Max she went off her birth control less than a month after they started hooking up and got him an Apple Watch for THANKSGIVING. I know I went on a rant about the Apple Watch last episode but I didn’t realize it was a Thanksgiving gift. That is just way worse. Those are not even a thing! Brb, gonna go make a Catfish profile and slide into Scheana’s DMs.
Oh boy, apparently Dayna does comedy. I’m immediately triggered. Let’s see how seriously Dayna takes stand-up comedy.
Also, Ariana wants to get back in at SUR (get more screen time).
For Brittany’s bachelorette party, the girls are all wearing tacky wedding dresses. Scheana jokingly says that she should just wear her own, but like… actually tho.
In the meantime, the gang has coordinated an entire effort to ice Kristen out until she stops talking about Carter. Kristen and Lisa say yet another accurate statement of the week: Kristen desperately wants a real relationship but doesn’t have the capability or the tools to have that, because she can’t be by herself.
Look, I’m happy you guys are putting your brain cells together for once in your lives, but you’re really making it hard for me to make jokes rn!! Stop it with your common sense and accuracy!
And Katie APOLOGIZES FOR YELLING AT KRISTEN??? Am I watching the same show? Am I in an alternate universe where the Vanderpump Rules cast is like, logical and well-adjusted and contrite?
Sandoval also misses bartending at SUR (wants more screen time). Max clarifies that he didn’t lie about owning TomTom, he just referred to it as “his bar”. Whatever, that tracks. Let’s move on.
Jax and Brittany are shopping for wedding bands, and holy Jesus, her ring is huge. Jax says “Brittany likes to raise the budget and she thinks I don’t notice. We’re not Meghan Markle and whatever his name is. What is his name?” And I stan for this. Meghan has truly made it now that Jax Taylor knows who she is but not the f*cking Prince of England’s name. First step: the royal residence. Second step: the royal duties. Third step: the royal identity. She’s successfully tearing down it all systematically. We have no choice but to stan.
What the f*ck is up with Jax correctly assessing that now that Kristen isn’t Carter’s gravy train, he has to act all nice to Kristen. AND he asks what she’s getting out of the relationship if they’re not even sleeping together and he’s not even nice to her!!!!
That’s it. We’re in the Twilight Zone. There is no other explanation. Who are you smart body doubles, and what have you done with the cast of Vanderpump Rules (minus Tom and Ariana, who were already kinda smart to begin with)?
Back at SUR, Scheana apologizes to Dayna for being a bitch to her. And she’s like “there’s something that irks me about you… I can’t put my finger on it…. Definitely not that you’re dating the guy I wanted to date, no not that, it’s totally something else…” Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ariana shows up at SUR to try to talk to Lisa about getting her job back. Now, this wouldn’t be a big deal except for the fact that Ariana challenged Lisa last season, and Lisa views any sort of challenge as sh*t talking and a direct attack on her character. Damn, no wonder she likes Jax so much.
Scheana last episode: My divorce doesn’t define me
Scheana this episode: I would say I’m saving myself for marriage, but I’m divorced
Oh thank GODDDD Brett came in and made things interesting. He comes in with this ridiculous manipulation tactic to try to convince Scheana that the reason he doesn’t want anyone to know they hooked up (he says this on camera for the national television show on which he is a cast member) is to protect her and for her benefit. Scheana doesn’t believe a word Brett is saying—but not for the reasons you might expect i.e. he’s obviously ashamed of the hookup. No. Scheana’s reasoning is that Brett must be lying that he never had feelings for her because, get ready for this: he kissed her on the first night they met.
*57 pages later*
I think the delusion speaks for itself, but I’ll just say that if kissing someone on the first night you met them means you have feelings, then a lot more relationships would start at last call at college bars.
Meanwhile, Ariana asks Lisa if she could come back once a week, and Lisa says she doesn’t understand because Ariana talked a bunch of sh*t about her. (See: my previous note re: challenging Lisa.) Ariana is still upset that Lisa treated Tom like he was incompetent and Lisa says “the best compliment I could give Tom is asking him to partner with me at my restaurant.” I mean, like, that’s a cop-out, but okay. This feud gets squashed real quick and turns into a “you’re a great woman” “no you’re a great woman” fest, and Lisa says she’s going to think about Ariana’s request. She’ll probably be back next episode.
Ariana reveals she’s been super depressed lately and my girl has been suffering from imposter syndrome hard. She says kind of as a joke “maybe I need to be medicated” but I’m here to say, not as a joke (for once in my life), no shame boo. If that’s what you need to get better, then talk to a professional.
Anyway, here for Ariana being open about mental health struggles. Wait, why am I crying in the club right now? (I call my couch the club.) Is this Vanderpump Rules or This Is Us? I did not sign up to feel emotions other than rage at Tuesdays at 9pm on Bravo!
I don’t have a comment for Dayna’s comment about Max entering her body other than to note that I said “ewwww” out loud for nobody but myself and God to hear.
Max expresses to Ariana and Lala that Scheana is acting jealous and crazy (my words, not his) and Lala says “well I think she peed on you.”
Me: Lala: Like she marked her territory. She peed on you.
Damn, I thought that was about to go in a totally different direction. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t low-key disappointed.
We’re at Dayna’s comedy show, and look, I’m no stand-up comedian (I write all my jokes on Twitter like a true artiste) but Dayna’s first joke is about how people wear airpods so they can avoid talking to strangers. That’s it, that’s the joke. However, I’m here for the dead parent jokes, because I am morbid. Overall, verdict is: better than Kristen’s sketch comedy by miles.
Holy sh*t, Carter has a two-seater BMW that Kristen pays for? I really need to start dating the women on Vanderpump Rules. They have too much money to burn. Kristen/Scheana, just Venmo me @sara-f-carter! I’ll take your money but I’ll actually be nice to you!
Kristen doesn’t want to be the one to have to tell Carter that he can’t come to Miami, so Jax is like “f*ck it, I’ll do it.” I can’t wait, I hope Jax tells Carter he’s the worst guy in the group. You know it’s true!
Kristen: I’m not 100% sure I want to be together, but I’m not 100% sure I don’t want to be together
Please join me in my gigantic sigh, as Kristen acts like deciding whether or not to break up with someone who makes her miserable is like choosing between the red or blue wire when defusing a bomb. It’s truly not that complicated, or serious, or unique. It’s episode 2 and I’m sick of the wallowing already.
Oh my f*cking god, Jax tries to say that maybe, just maybe Carter is taking advantage of Kristen and keeping the cow because he’s getting the milk for free even though he doesn’t really give a sh*t about the cow. Kristen says “why can’t he just be upset because he loves me and doesn’t want to see our family torn apart?” Bitch, what family? Your two Yorkies or whatever little fluffball(s) you have running around? F*cking relax. That is not a family. Kristen seems like one of those people who would be writing into r/relationships like “My partner of 3 weeks and I have a wonderful relationship, I love him so much and we get along great, except for this one thing he does which is constantly put me down and threaten to kill me if I disagree with anything he says. Any advice on how I can stop being so sensitive?” That’s a deep cut for any of you redditors out there.
Jax is actually SO funny with his rant like “get a job! Get him to pay his bills! Uber is hiring! Lyft is always hiring!” Damn. I know Jax is saying it, and I’ve been searching with a magnifying glass, but I cannot find a single lie in this statement. Everything I thought I knew has proven to be a lie.
Jax takes Carter aside and tells him to take a month break with the relationship. Carter is like “really? You really think that’s a good idea? How are we gonna see each other if I’m not living at her apartment rent-free?” (I paraphrase.) And JAX, of all people, has to be the one like “that’s the whole point, you don’t see each other.”
Carter is like “why would I do that when it’s not what I want?” And, yeah, trying to convince a freeloader to look his own gift horse in the mouth and break up with that gift horse just out of consideration for that immature horse, because it’s the selfless and correct thing to do, is like hitting your head against a brick wall.
Jax saying that Carter is manipulating Kristen when she’s vulnerable is the craziest sh*t I’ve ever heard. This is the upside-down. I’m unwell. Again, he’s not wrong, but I never thought I would hear Jax call someone else a manipulator. But maybe that’s what we need: the former biggest manipulator this show has seen to go head-to-sh*tty-beard with the current biggest manipulator on this show. This is going to end spectacularly. I can’t wait.
Images: Bravo; Giphy (5)