‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Tom Sandoval Is Trash

What up bitches and hoes, it’s your girl Sgt. Olivia Betchson, and I come to you armed with a white wine cider from Wolffer Estates (#notsponsored) and some residual feminist rage from last week’s episode, ready to kill this Vanderpump Rules recap. Here we fucking go. After re-watching some clips from last week’s Vanderpump Rules episode, I would like to take this time to say that Tom Sandoval is still trash. Amen.

We open this week at SUR, where Sandoval is mixing drinks even though no one’s in the bar at the time, and Lisa shows up. Watching Lisa pretend that Tom Sandoval is an elite mixologist who’s going to come up with an original signature drink for Tom Tom is about as believable to me as Katie’s job as Lisa’s personal assistant. (What happened to that story line, btw?) At this point, I DO hope Tom Tom gets its own spin-off so Vanderpump Rules can stop trying to shove this dumb storyline down my throat.

BLK Elvis is back, as well as a guy that goes by Sean2. That’s pronounced “Sean Two,” just in case you were wondering. But what happened to Sean1? That’s what I want to know. Sgt. Olivia Betchson is on the case.

The most interesting part of this scene between Stassi and Lala is this giant pretzel they’re eating, which I want a piece of.

Stassi tells Lala that she’s kind of tired of Ariana’s “it’s my way or the highway” attitude. Stassi throws some good buzzwords around, like “women are being shamed” when they call men out, and this interaction ends with Lala calling Stassi a “gangster bitch”. Real productive work towards gender equality happening here.

Jax literally calls his appointments with Reikelsey the highlight of his week, and asks Britany to leave in preparation for his next appointment that afternoon. Holyyyy fucking shit. We’re 7 minutes into this episode of Vanderpump Rules and I’m already on the verge of a rage blackout. Are you fucking kidding me? I know there’s going to be a camera crew coming and Bravo is probably not legally allowed to film Jax’s sex tape, but if my boyfriend told me that seeing ANOTHER WOMAN (who is not his licensed therapist, or even A licensed therapist) was the highlight of his week, you’d probably see me on the news. I’ll just say that.

Also, Brittany says she’s jealous of Kelsey, but girl, this crystals hippie with a Bump-It has nothing on you. You got nothing to worry about.

Brittany is planning an amazing trip for Jax in Mexico, because once again, Brittany should be with a fucking football player or someone with a lot of money and not this washed-up 40-year-old with too much plastic surgery. She’s too pure for this world.

Jax claims he got a job offer in Tampa, but would he really give up that Vanderpump Rules money? Doubt it. But by golly, we’re all going to pretend for the sake of this episode.

Jax says nicer things about Kelsey than he ever has about Brittany: “It always goes amazing, she’s an amazing person. I always have the best days when I see her.”

Me: 

Squidward

Jax is such a fucking child. “You need to have patience with me.” This is like the “good vibes only” guy on dating apps—”you have to treat me with kid gloves and never call me out or expect more of me than total shittiness, otherwise I’m going to turn it around on you and your lack of patience and it’s your fault.”

Jax says, “Kelsey says I need to make time for myself because I don’t ever do anything I want to do,” as if he doesn’t just cheat on every girlfriend left and right. Oh, but that doesn’t count, right?
I’ve been noticing that every time they’ve showed Scheana on camera recently, her hair’s been wet. Can production not give her a heads up so she could dry her hair? Or maybe they’re just giant trolls…

Rob comes over and Scheana jumps into his arms, The Notebook style. Then she immediately brings up her divorce. Rob and Scheana are apparently still trying to make the Divorce Closet happen. For the record, I just Googled “Divorce Closet” and came up with a whopping zero results. Also, Divorce Closet was Rob’s idea and Scheana glommed onto it somehow, not unlike their entire relationship in the first place.

Scheana: Are we gonna be equal partners on this? Am I gonna have equity?
Rob: The way I envisioned it is… you don’t get shit.

Scheana: My divorce is finalized in a few days, and the next time I get married, it’s gonna be to you.
Internal Rob: *goes to the sunken place*
External Rob: Wow.

I took a wine break during Brittany and Lisa’s gratuitous horse heart-to-heart scene. Summary: Lisa is right and Brittany shouldn’t be bending over backwards to please Jax, Brittany is in denial. Call me when there’s news.

Somebody please tell me how SUR can get up and running in two days after a huge fire but more than halfway through the season and Tom Tom has not progressed at all after FIFTEEN WEEKS. Sandoval is ready with his signature cocktail, and if it is not an exercise in white male mediocrity, I don’t know what is.

Sandoval: *puts chili in a mezcal drink*
Lisa:

White Guy Blinking

Is this real? Are we actually impressed by this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Everyone lands in Mexico without incident (read: someone getting too drunk at the airport to be allowed to board the flight). Brittany is topless in this pool with Jax and Jax is talking about how great Kelsey is. Y’all, my poor capillaries cannot take it anymore. And still, we’re only 37 minutes into the episode and I have to watch Summer House after this. #PrayForBetchson

Jax has now unilaterally decided that he’s taking this job and Brittany is coming with him. Jax is like, “Why would you stay for your friends? Your friends can’t pay the bills.” Subtext: Why wouldn’t you leave your support system so I can continue to isolate you and escalate my behavior? Honestly, I think Vanderpump Rules has stopped being fun because I’m just watching Brittany’s abuse play out on camera, and I will be writing a future think piece about it.

Arguing with Jax is like trying to reason with Amelia Bedelia.

Brittany: You didn’t talk to me about the job.
Jax: I’m talking to you right now though.

Back at SUR, Lisa does her mandatory walking around and barking random orders at people. She literally tells one of the kitchen staff to make a caprese salad “look sexy”.

K

Some hot guy—I think it’s Adam? They all look the same—is trying to get the coveted bartender position. Unfortunately, he can’t make a mojito. Although given that most bartenders flat-out refuse to make mojitos and lie and claim they “don’t have mint,” I’d say Adam would do okay.

Meanwhile, back in Mexico, Scheana has a countdown app on her phone to her divorce. I think she’s been more excited to get divorced than she was to get married. This is dark.

Jax tells the Toms about the job opportunity. Okay, hold on. This unnamed company wants Jax to be in charge of their social media department? Have they SEEN Jax’s Twitter? The dude cannot form one grammatically correct sentence.

If Brittany fucking moves to Tampa to be with Jax, so help me god, I will … watch their spin-off show.

How is Scheana gonna defend Brittany like, “If Brittany is still in love with Jax, she’s still in love with him.” But she just tried to set Brittany up with Adam last episode! What’s it like to live in this alternate reality? At this point it almost feels like Scheana is gaslighting us, the audience. I wonder what reality she’d live in if she and Jax were dating. That would be a sight to see. That’s it, I’m officially shipping Scheana and Jax.

Hooolyyy shit, Brittany is talking about what she wants to do with her life, what she’s told him about a million times, and Jax reacts as if he’s never heard it before.

Okay but Lala yelling at Jax to respect Brittany isn’t really going to fix the issue. Also it’s kind of ridiculous that Lala says to Jax, “I will talk to you however I damn well please” but she will also threaten to “draw blood from someone’s face” if they dare “come for her.” The hypocrisy is astounding.

Stassi chimes in that she dislikes the way Jax talks about Brittany. Sandoval of course says, “Stassi you’re being inappropriate.” Why? Because she dated Jax like, six years ago? Oh, so Sandoval has never said anything bad about Kristen? *Thinks back to seasons 3-4 of Vanderpump Rules* that can’t be correct. Seems that Tom Sandoval has a problem with Stassi in particular expressing her opinion, and I don’t like it one bit. And again, TOM SANDOVAL IS TRASH. Boom. End of story. Title of this recap. Ariana, come get ya mans.

Images: Giphy (3)