‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: The One Where The Gang Goes To Therapy

As I write this recap, I currently have the new Ariana Grande stuck in my head. It’s fitting because “Break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored” captures my exact sentiment when watching almost every single one of these relationships. But more like “break up with your girlfriend, cause your relationship is toxic and I’m sick of watching it.” Anyway, happy Tuesday. I’ve finally recovered from my Grammys hangover (no, I don’t want to talk about it), and I’m ready to light into these idiots. The Grammys disappointed me in their mockable content, but I know Vanderpump Rules will never disappoint.

Lisa rolls up to SUR (or Pump?) slightly hungover, just like me when I’m hungover: insisting I only had two drinks when video evidence suggests very much the contrary. In other words, me on Sunday night and again Monday morning! No personal questions, please. The only thing that ruins this scene is knowing that Lisa pronounces Ibiza “eye-bee-tha”. Ugh. She probably studied abroad there one time in 1960.

Lala, Ariana and Kristen are all getting brunch somewhere. Poor Kristen is like me taking to my coworkers when they go out without me: “OMG how was it? Was it fun?” Kristen is still salty that Lisa didn’t let her come to the party.

Kristen: Whether Lisa likes it or not, I’m part of the SUR family. So it’s easier if she just invites me.

Is that how it works? You got fired from there, what, 4 years ago? That would be like me showing up to my high school prom, claiming I’m still “part of the family”.  Yes, that excuse would hold up in court for sure!

So Carter and Kristen are fighting. Oh I guess their relationship isn’t perfect and she’s not completely sane and well-adjusted. COLOR ME SHOCKED.

Apparently Lala isn’t drinking, perhaps in part because she got super drunk with Randall and was running around naked and broke a hurricane-proof window. Wow, I thought that only happened to me!

Brittany and Jax go to their engagement party venue, and I will never be okay with hearing Brittany introduce Jax as her fee-yawn-say fiancé. Jax complains that the venue looks expensive, as if these asshats aren’t getting all this stuff for free in exchange for a few Instagram posts anyway. I think the biggest problem with this show right now is that the cast is all acting like they are still the same broke SURvers from season one, and yet their weddings are getting covered in PEOPLE magazine and they’re worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and probably get paid a ton per episode.

The most positive thing I’ve heard all year is that since Jax and Brittany are getting married in the Catholic church, they have to go to pre-marital therapy. This is what I’ve been saying all along!! The Church got one thing right, I guess…

Jax is having his first guys’ night since he cheated on Brittany (anyone else notice how Sandoval mumbled that, like, in the hopes we wouldn’t pick up on it?). Does that mean that Jax cheated recently or that he legit hasn’t been out with his guys in a year? Because I think if they are claiming the latter, the tapes would indicate otherwise.

Lala asks Lisa if basically all the girls can take off, again, as if they don’t all work one shift per week.

James goes to therapy. I’m here for all the therapy advocacy this episode! We out here advocating for mental health in 2019.

We learn James’s mom called him to tell him his dad owes her money. James is basically supporting his mom, which is very sad and dark. Kind of crazy that later in this episode I know that James’s mom is going to insist she’s not a bad mom. *Maury voice* the tests determined that was a lie. James and his therapist decide that James needs to set boundaries with his mother.

Cut to: James calling his mom and SCREAMING AT HER. Uhhhhh what?

Honestly like, people who yell at their parents on the phone scare me the most because they truly have no fear. If I even DREAMED of speaking to my mom that way, well, there would be a true crime podcast about my murder, I’ll just say that. Can we just get a spin-off of the Vanderpump moms? Because they’re bigger hot messes than their children. I’d watch the sh*t out of that.

Stassi and Katie hang out before leaving for the trip to Solvang, and surprise, nobody really wants to room with Kristen. Katie agrees to take one for the team. It’s possibly the only selfless thing she’s done in recent memory. Stassi brings up the Copenhagen incident and I really need to understand what the hell happened over there that made Kristen freak out and fly home, because I KNOW whatever narrative they’re feeding us is not what happened!! Maybe Kristen had some bad edibles? That’s my guess. If you have intel, please leave it in the comments and tag me.

Katie: I used to think Lala was just some ratchet little gold digger, but then I realized I could benefit from her ratchet gold digging so I’m cool with it.

Britt and Jax roll up to therapy. Does one “roll up” to therapy? Whatever, I’m saying it. Jax saying he was “a little bit of a wild child” is the understatement of the century. Also whoa, isn’t it weird that Jax has been to this very therapist before? And she’s acting like she’s never met with him? Is that a HIPAA thing, or do they just think we are unobservant?

Not shockingly, Jax doesn’t want Brittany to bring up the fact that he cheated. Shouts out to the therapist telling Jax that he basically just told Brittany to shut up! Unfortunately I read a lot of Reddit posts about the pitfalls of going to therapy when one partner is abusive, and I just hope Jax isn’t given more ammo to use against Brittany…

Britany: How do you know you won’t go back to those ways?
Jax: I just know.
All of us: 

I hope this therapist pulls Brittany aside to be like “girl, don’t shackle yourself to this guy for life.” BRITT, BLINK IF YOU’RE OK.

So that’s over for now, and James, Ariana, and Raquel are listening to one of his songs. Uh, is Ariana singing? Umm… yes. Um…… yikes. I literally went to Spotify to listen to the song, so if I sound dumber from this point on in the recap, you know why! But I’ve embedded the song below so you can share in my misfortune.

Ariana: You’ve heard of Ariana Grande, watch out for Ariana Venti, bitch.

That’s cute. How long do we think it took her to think of that joke?

James’s mom shows up, and Ariana does the smart thing and gets tf out before sh*t hits the fan.

James: You can’t complain about Dad to me.
James’s mom: When do I ever complain about your dad?
Also James’s mom: He left me with nothing while we went scuba diving!
ALSOO James’s mom: Was I a sh*t mother? You went on great vacations, Ralph Lauren, you took your first steps at f*cking Tiffany’s!

Yeah, that… doesn’t mean anything, lady. I mean, if anything, why was your son taking his first steps at a luxury jewelry store and not in your home? Were you using the Tiffany’s employees for childcare?

Sooooo James’s mom is a total manipulator and possible narcissist. He’s being totally calm and she’s spiraling out of control, saying James is making her feel like a bitch (by sitting there calmly??) and wanting him to say thank you (reminding me of f*cking Steven from 90 Day Fiancé who wanted his fiancé to thank him for taking care of her after she gave birth to their child. Like, what? That is your job as a parent; you don’t get a cookie for providing for your child). Raquel looks absolutely terrified, and same girl. James has to REMIND HIS MOTHER THAT HE IS THE CHILD. F*cking bleak, guys.

Wait, so Jax and Brittany went to therapy one time and that was it? Jax is like “you should go a few times by yourself”. So…. that’s all it takes? One session? Good to know, I’ll make sure to bring that up at my first and only therapy appointment this week.

Wait so James’s mom goes to bother Lisa AGAIN to get his job back? What a bad look. I’d be so f*cking pissed if I found out that my mom was meddling MULTIPLE times into my job situation. And THEN she goes and asks if Harry can have a job bussing tables?? THE AUDACITY OF THIS WOMAN! Has she never heard of Indeed? Yikesssssssssss

*3 hours later* ssssssssssssssssssss

Narrator: Some say Sgt. Olivia Betchson is still saying “yikes” into her empty apartment.

Anyway, it’s time for the PJ. Ok hOLD THE F*CK UP. Did anyone else hear Lala say “Rand pays for the plane. That’s what he does for the baby.”

Me, in my best suit, approaching the bench: So you admit, Miss Kent, that you are, in fact, a sugar baby?

Lala: If Rand was out of the picture, would I still be flying private? Yeah, but probably with a different guy. Kidding… no not kidding.

I mean, whatever, at least she’s upfront about it. If I didn’t have reverse daddy issues in which I consistently choose guys who are the physical opposites of my dad, I’d probably be out here with a Birkin by now.

Anyway, so Kristen made Stassi late to the private jet because she forgot her purse (legit the ONLY THING you need for a trip), and yea I would already be pissed. You don’t f*ck around with times when you’re flying on a plane, even if it is private. That plane will leave without you. Those boarding times are not a suggestion.

Not gonna lie, I think I’d rather be on a commercial jet than squeezed in on a tiny ass plane like I’m riding the f*cking subway. I also would just feel safer on a plane that’s wider than the width of my torso. Yeah, I’m a hater.

Ouch, the girls arrive and Scheana is rooming by herself. I wonder what she had to do to blackmail Lala into getting an invite if nobody wants her there?

Scheana: I thought I’d room with Ariana because she’s my bestie.
All of us: 

Whatever, I’d be psyched about having an extra twin bed to myself. I’d probably be an extra large dick about it and invite Adam over, just saying.

Lmfao at Katie calling Kristen a “terrorist traveler”. Maybe Katie is not so horrible after all? I like Katie most when she doesn’t speak, only to talk sh*t about Kristen.

Back in WeHo, James and Harry meet with Peter and Guillermo. Guillermo is like “I don’t need a DJ, I need a bus boy, but James keeps f*cking it up.” YIKES. Mans is SALTY. Get him some tequila and lime. Before getting up from the table he’s like “oh yeah and BTW I’m still looking for a DJ.” What about DJ Mickey? You mean Mickey isn’t killing it on the 1s and 2s during Spicy Tequila Tuesdays?

James bursts into tears and Peter is just like “kill me this is so awkward get me tf outta here.” RT, Peter.

Back in Solvang, Kristen is taking shots before going to a winery. Y tho??? She knows wine is alcohol, yes? This is really not going to end well.

Lala apparently didn’t have time to get dressed, because she’s wearing sneakers and a silk robe?? Babe?

Kristen just picked a plant off the side of the road and ATE IT?? I told you guys taking shots was a bad idea. She comes in bringing the plant to the bartender like “hey is this lavender? Because I just ate it.” Is it bad that I low-key hope it was poisonous? JK, I’m not actually that terrible.

The bartender:
Kristen: I think Merlot is the basic bitch of wine

Um, didn’t you just launch a wine MLM? I’m checking the menu right f*cking now to figure out if you guys are selling Merlot, and if so, I am coming for you.

Scheana being so Scheana like, “my trainer doesn’t want me to drink wine.” I just got flashbacks to that time she wouldn’t take a green tea shot because it had too much sugar. Yes, I know that was an isolated incident from 2 or 3 years ago, NO, I cannot believe I still remember it! It’s a blessing and a curse, I tell you!

Kristen is losing control very quickly and everyone else is just doing what I do when my boss is yelling at the coworker sitting next to me: acting like I’m not seeing anything and it’s not happening. I can’t wait for next week when Kristen falls over and embarrasses herself! It’s the only thing getting me through the week at this point.

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