Welcome one, welcome all. Ladies, gents, witches, warlocks. It’s time for another Betches Vanderpump Rules recap by THE ONE, THE ONLY, yours truly, Sgt. Olivia Betchson. I think this episode is still taking place in Mexico? This has been, what, three weeks now? I swear, sometimes it feels like the editors don’t actually cut anything out and we are simply watching this entire vacation unfold exactly how it happened. Next up: Schwartz’s latest bowel movement, taking up a full 6 minutes of footage.
Jokes aside (for the immediate time being), we start in Mexico, where Scheana and Lala have reserved the entire rooftop for themselves. Calm down, you’re not that famous. Do you really think you’re going to get swarmed by fans and/or the paps in Mexico? Lala is double fisting drinks and reminiscing about what triggered her
bad comedown panic attack the night before. Who’s gonna say it? Should I? For someone with anxiety, uppers are not a great idea, and I say this as someone with anxiety who once had a full meltdown on the third day of Governors Ball because I took too much Adderall and then my friend convinced me to go out to Hotel Chantelle until 4:30am (damn you, Dashon), then I only slept two hours and had to call my parents to pick me up and take me home so I had to pretend I was just stressed out from work. Sorry mom and dad! But you know what’s probably only slightly less bad of an idea? To then drink on top of that (and double fist, no less). And I know this because my therapist said as much to me at our last session. That’s $135 worth of advice that you all just got for free!
In any case, meltdowns seems to be the theme of this episode, because Stassi and Beau are still fighting about their fight from the night before. That was an exhausting sentence to type. Beau literally gets stress hives from his relationship with Stassi, which is a new and inventive way of calling your S.O. crazy. “You give me stress eczema!” I’m going to start using that.
Me, upon learning that stress hives are a thing, ready to use it on my landlord, my boss, and anyone who mildly inconveniences me:
Schwartz, Sandoval and Ariana all discuss their sex life, which is where we learn that Schwartz is a grower and not a shower. Somehow, that seems exactly on brand. We also learn that Schwartz makes Katie initiate sex all the time, which again, seems precisely on brand for this couple where Katie bosses Tom around and calls all the shots and he sits there and takes it, day in and day out. Bleak!
At SUR, Lisa corners Adam to ask why he wasn’t on the Mexico trip, as if he would ever in a million years be invited. Adam flat-out admits that he hasn’t been texting Scheana back (we know) and quite literally begs Lisa not to say in front of Scheana that the two of them are an item. Honestly, it makes me feel slightly better about my love life. I may have had a guy ghost on plans with me yesterday and then act like it was somehow my fault, but at least he’s not begging to not be associated with me.
Also, Lisa’s face when looking at Scheana’s “sexy” picture is all of us.
Back in Mexico, everyone is sitting down for dinner and Lala starts barking demands right away. She wants an ocean view and “no one is going to take it” from her, and she doesn’t want the end of the table, either. Lala starts tweaking out and having an anxiety attack—where is her baby bottle?
Did anyone else notice that, for how much Lala talks about sex and pretends to be sex-positive, the judges the sh*t out of Kristen for saying Carter bit her boob? This is coming from the girl who tells her hair stylist and anyone within earshot with a pulse that Rand eats her asshole. I’ll revisit this hypocrisy later in my end-of-recap feminist essay. For the time being, enjoy this screenshot of Lala’s face when Kristen makes the boob comment.
For now, Lala is still barking orders at everyone, using her anxiety as the vehicle. Scheana and Kristen are practically rubbing her down at the table, and she starts asking Stassi all these weirdly narcissistic questions, like “do I look tired? Do I look like I’m in a fog?” Uh, can you not just get a mirror and determine for yourself? Who can even be the judge of that? When Stassi says she doesn’t really know, Lala demands, “I need you to pull your sh*t together and judge me,” because Lala’s anxiety is now everybody’s problem, and Stassi not being able to judge on vague criteria like “looking like I’m in a fog” means she does not have her sh*t together. Ok. Even Stassi, queen of dramatics, remarks that it seems over-the-top and dramatic.
I guess I kind of admire Lala’s readiness to tell those close to her that she needs help, because usually what I do when I am having anxiety is just suffer in silence, feeling like I’m going to die, and maybe call my parents in hysterics because I don’t want to burden my friends or those around me.
Sandoval kind of thinks that Lala is faking things for attention, and Scheana also thinks that the group has been up her ass too much and she’s being selfish. I’m going to pull an opposite of Raquel for once and say that, given that her dad just died, I think it’s okay for Lala to be a little selfish and demand more of her friends, even if this particular instance seems a bit much. And anyway, is Scheana really annoyed about Lala wanting her to hold her hand, or is she just salty that Lala didn’t want to make out with her the night before?
After dinner, Katie walks into her hotel room, where Schwartz has left a trail of candy like rose petals to the bed. Katie asks, “What’s all this?” and Schwartz says in his best Bubba baby voice, “it’s romance!” He has even hired a violin player, who is hiding in the shower. But what is the poor violin player going to do when or if they start getting it on? Seems like a lapse in judgment.
In Jax and Brittany’s room, Brittany rattles off their guest list for the engagement party. Jax isn’t inviting his mom, which is dark, and honestly, the only plot line on this entire show that I care about. Case and point of plot lines I do not care about: Brittany doesn’t want to invite Billie Lee to the engagement party, which should not seem surprising given that Billie’s link to Jax and Brittany is about as tenuous as Scheana’s grasp on reality. The upside is this gives us a montage of Billie getting up in people’s faces and yelling “I work here!” on repeat. Guess she has a hangup about working at SUR but not really being on Vanderpump Rules? Who would have ever guessed? Oh right, all of us.
Raquel and James are throwing a “puppy shower”, which is peak white people culture.
Speaking of, Billie is throwing a white party and wants James to DJ. This discussion evolves into a recap of the last time James DJ’d a brunch for Billie at SUR, which turns into a sh*t-talking Lala fest. Raquel, James, and Billie decide she is the “ultimate mean girl”.
The gang returns from Mexico after what feels like the longest vacation in history. I wonder if we should call up the Guinness Book of World Records. Everyone who went to Mexico has the beer sh*ts, and Lala is wearing a bra to work, basically. I get it, when I have the beer sh*ts I feel super skinny too.
Raquel goes to SUR to invite Jax and Brittany to the puppy party and they both say no and blame James. Yikes, this is gonna be awkward.
Lisa notices Lala not wearing any clothes to work, basically, and tells her to put on a shirt. Lala’s response? “That so bums me out.” Yes, having to wear clothes to my job also “bums me out”. *Looks down* *Is wearing a cropped sweater and high waisted jeans*
Lisa finds Billie at SUR, and Billie asks if James can DJ and Lisa says no. It really has nothing to do with Lala/James’s freakout and more to do with the fact that he has not been totally sober. I mean, fair, given that he had literally one stipulation that he then broke. At this moment, Lala happens to walk by wearing a SUR T-shirt that she’s tied up so that it hits basically the same spot of her torso that her bra did, but Lisa allows it. Progress! Billie has a freakout and storms out, Lisa follows her to tell her that she can’t speak to her that way. And finally, the show has returned to its namesake, Vanderpump Rules. Lisa is finally calling the shots. She’s putting these overgrown alcoholic children in their place. I don’t remember if I saw it on Reddit or the comments section of a previous recap, but whoever said it was right: This is precisely why the show can never get rid of the conceit that these people all work at the restaurant, no matter how flimsy it is. Because then it won’t be Vanderpump Rules.
Scheana basically corners Brittany so she can recap her sex life to her. The story is that Scheana jumped on top of Adam the second she landed from Mexico and Adam pushed her off her, claiming he had a cramp, and used her foam roller. That’s one way to avoid having sex with someone you openly hate, I guess. Brittany talks about her engagement party and mentions that they don’t want Billie there.
Scheana immediately blabbing to Billie that Jax and Brittany don’t want her at their engagement party because she reminds them of James. Not only was that NOT the move, but it isn’t even accurate! Billie is not invited because they aren’t really friends with her and she’s friends with James. So Billie decides to just suck it up and understand that weddings are peculiar events and the bride and groom have to be picky with their guest lists since they’re footing the bill and that can often lead to people feeling left out.
KIDDING! She goes to confront Brittany! At SUR! Where she is working! Where they are both working! This is the tackiest of tacky. Poor Brittany does not deserve this. Just text her like a normal person so she has the time to craft an eloquent and gentle response. Brittany claims the reason is actually because Jax doesn’t think Billie is trustworthy. And again… ??? This seems to become oddly personal when it doesn’t really need to be. This is a party. There is a limited guest list. Weddings are supposed to be for your close family and friends. End.
So Raquel makes the rounds to Tom Tom and asks Stassi if she will come to her puppy shower. I guess I’m confused why nobody at this group wants to hang out with a cute puppy. You’d think it would be a no-brainer. But the fact that Raquel wants everyone to “put aside their differences for one day to celebrate Graham” is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. You want this entire group… to pretend like they like your boyfriend… who has been causing sh*t with every single one of them… so they can celebrate a dog… that you’ve had for a while now? This is truly the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life.
Lisa fires Sandoval, but not really, it’s only so he can devote his full attention to Tom Tom, so that’s our first Catfish from the season promo. I too was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, led astray!! So we get a full montage of basically every argument Sandoval has had in the alley behind SUR. What a beautiful moment. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Alexa, play “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan.
At Tom Tom, Lisa confronts Schwartz about “what makes a partner” as a roundabout and smug way of telling him that both of his investment checks bounced. Schwartz want to “pinky swear” that he has the money. That’s… not how this works. Okay, but apparently Lisa has been holding onto those checks for a year, which I feel like is a little ridiculous. Like, if my landlord doesn’t cash my rent check immediately, it messes up my entire budget for the month because I end up spending my rent money. But also… doesn’t it literally say on the back of all your checks that they are only valid for 180 days? Wth was Lisa doing holding onto them for a full year and then being surprised when they didn’t clear? I’m going to launch an independent investigation.
Raquel comes back to James, dejected because nobody wants to come to her puppy shower. James is in the car bumping his own music, which is peak James. He is upset because he spent a lot of money on fliers for the puppy party. Plot hole #1: the fliers were clearly made in Instagram story. Plot hole #2: if these are print flyers, then why does Raquel need to go around and invite people face to face? Raquel says that everyone doesn’t want to f*ck with her because of James, but I have to wonder if they would bother with her if she did break up with James. I feel like they just don’t like Raquel and think she’s dumb, and the fact that she is dating James is a convenient excuse to bar her from filming.
Anyway, nobody is into the idea of this puppy shower at all. Probably because it’s the definition of extra? Like, why can’t it be like “hey we got a new dog and so come over to meet him, we’ll have drinks”? It doesn’t need to be an orchestrated thing with games and themed snacks and fliers and whatever the f*ck else. That being said, I will still attend this puppy party if the invitation is open.
We end this episode with Raquel asking James who Charles Manson is. I know there’s a metaphor in there, I just can’t figure out what it is. Next episode looks like complete bullsh*t, so I CAN wait to see you all back then!
Images: Bravo (2); Giphy (3)