It’s that time of year again—no, not Valentine’s Day, you sentimental hacks—it’s Stassi and Ariana’s birthdays! Six seasons into this show and I cannot understand why they don’t just throw a joint birthday party. At this point, Stassi and Ariana are friendly enough (they just posted an Instagram together last night), and they share literally the exact same group of friends, so having two different parties just seems like much more stress than it’s worth. Or at the very least, can they plan their parties on different nights? Then again, what would this show be if the producers weren’t unnecessarily pitting two women against each other? These feminist questions and more, I will attempt to answer in this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap.
Stassi’s birthday is murder themed because, as she says, “I love horror movies, serial killers, just death in any way.” Stassi and I honestly have very similar interests.
Stassi and Patrick’s relationship is on the rocks (or is it over??) because Stassi tried to sext him, he was unresponsive (a guy not responding to your sexts is a #1 sign he isn’t into you—pro tip for the ladies), then they got in a fight and Patrick blocked Stassi. But Stassi says, “Just because he blocked me doesn’t mean we broke up.” That’s a level of delusion I would have expected from Scheana, but not you Stassi!
Ariana’s birthday is kings and queens themed, which is decidedly less morbid.
They’re all shopping for outfits for Ariana’s birthday, and Billie is like, “Well your 30s are your prime, sexually…” (very smooth) and Ariana immediately is like, “I don’t have sex.” She apparently hates her vagina, and that just makes me sad. I started typing out a fucking manifesto about how women have so much unnecessary shame attached to our vaginas—from the appearance to the smell and other completely natural characteristics that are out of our control—and, well, I guess I did just type out my manifesto anyway? Brace yourselves, there will be more vagina rants in this recap.
Skipping the Tom Tom scene because nothing really happens and I refuse to acknowledge this dumb restaurant.
After the commercial break, we come back to Ariana in a therapy appointment. She reveals some really dark and upsetting stuff, like how if she wears a bathing suit she wears makeup on her entire body. Her entire body. Just let that sink in. Our expectations for women are so out of control that women are out here wearing makeup on parts of their bodies other than their faces. We’re screwed as a society.
Also, Ariana’s ex-boyfriend would tell her to go to the doctor for normal vaginal stuff, which I can really sympathize with given that literally last week, I explained the concept of bacterial vaginosis and vaginal pH to my fuck buddy of over a fucking year. Then again, it’s not really his fault he doesn’t know about bacterial vaginosis, the most common vaginal infection EVEN BEFORE YEAST INFECTIONS, because scientists don’t really know about it either! That’s right, get BV and you’ll realize that scientists and doctors don’t really know precisely what causes it, aside from a vague change in pH which could be caused by who knows what! *Throws computer out the window* *steps off soap box*
Ariana does talk about how Tom is a good partner and a good support system, and she also talks about how she really doesn’t want to give birth. I hope Ariana goes to real, off-camera therapy, because she’s beautiful and it’s heartbreaking that she is going through so much by herself.
Lisa’s hosting Dog Day again, and I can’t wait to hear James call out the colors and models of cars that have left their lights on.
Ken comes through with the fire, though, while explaining what each person’s role will be.
Lisa to Schwartz: You can charge people 50 cents to make out with them as your charitable donation.
Ken: And then you can forget about it afterwards.
Wow, we’ve all been sleeping on Ken. Stay woke.
At Tom and Ariana’s, Tom makes Ariana breakfast for her birthday. It’s actually very nice of him considering the only thing I got from my last boyfriend on my birthday was a breakup attempt with a side of emotional manipulation. But ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
Sandoval expresses that he’s frustrated because he and Ariana used to have a lot of sex, and Ariana tries to express that she’s lost her confidence because she doesn’t feel like she needs to pretend anymore now that they’re comfortable.
Sandoval: You used to have multiple orgasms.
Ariana: Ehhh no I didn’t.
Sandoval: *continues to try to tell his girlfriend about her own body*
Ariana: I didn’t tho.
That, my friends, is the face of a broken man. The face of a man who realizes he’s not the sex god he thought he was. The man who realizes he probably has to go back and issue a series of corrections to his friends because he did not, as he previously believed, give his girlfriend multiple orgasms. A moment of silence for Sandoval during this trying time.
Amen. Stassi, Katie, and Kristen are getting ready for Stassi’s party. Katie is doing Stassi’s makeup, because I guess having a lifestyle blog also makes you a qualified makeup artist now. This is what happens in the age of Instagram.
Kristen: We’re dead, but hot. Like sluts in a morgue.
^Incidentally that’s what my friends and I refer to each other as. We actually ordered matching “sluts in a morgue” T-shirts the other day.
We learn that Kevin Lee apologized to Katie by showing up with a huge bouquet of flowers and being like, “Okaayyyyyyyyy….. Sorry.” That’s a bullshit apology if I’ve ever seen one. Katie says Kevin Lee’s apology doesn’t affect her, which is very mature of her, and good for Katie. I wouldn’t accept an apology from one of Mattel’s new, possessed, fuckboy Ken Dolls either. Fuck that guy.
Jax shows up to Sandoval’s, and Sandoval is in a kilt. What else is new. I am concerned, though, by the amount of sparkly robes Sandoval owns.
It’s Ariana’s birthday party, and it’s time we take a few moments to run down everyone’s outfits.
Scheana wears a fur coat, no pants, and a tiny crown, which is exactly what I’d expect from Scheana. I’m also pretty sure it’s the same exact fur she wore in her infamous vagina Instagram. I hope she’s washing that coat regularly.
James looks like he bought the first king costume he saw at Party City. I wasn’t able to capture a clear screenshot, so you’re all going to have to deal.
Lala looks like a home schooled jungle freak—literally.
Her outfit is literally a bikini, a fur coat, and a leather headband. What kingdom are you supposed to be the queen of, Lala? The Queen of Coachella? I think she missed the memo.
And Ariana comes out looking like Beyoncé at the 2017 Grammys. I know I’m not the first person who immediately thought that, right? She looks amazing.
I mean seriously. THE VIBES.
She fucking nailed it. All hail Queen Ariana. Can’t wait for the surprise album.
Over at Stassi’s birthday, things are a lot more dark. Look, I love murder as much as the next white girl, but I would not want some bloody corpse doll giving a ghost a blow job, or some severed heads, at my birthday party. Kind of kills the mood, you know?
Also, who are all these random people at Stassi’s birthday party who have never appeared on Vanderpump Rules before? I wonder if they hired extras to fill the room.
Patrick walks into Stassi’s birthday party, and I think this image of Stassi hugging Patrick while holding a gun behind his back is a good summation of their entire relationship.
Stassi’s mom asks Patrick if he felt bad for not bringing Stassi to Amsterdam and he was like, “Nah.”
Stassi deals with her feelings of discomfort how any of us would: by taking Jager bombs. Stassi has never been more relatable this season. (The relatability doesn’t last long, so soak it up now.)
Jax calls Stassi, Katie, and Kristen, “a group of girls who just outlash at people.” I get what he meant, but it’s always fun to make fun of Jax for using words that are not actual words.
Tom and Ariana make up at her party, and I’m low-key tearing up over here. They definitely are the best couple on the show. I mean, I know the bar isn’t exactly high among this group, but I swear I mean it as a compliment.
At Stassi’s birthday party, Katie and Patrick start talking about them being back together or some shit. Kristen interjects with, “She [Stassi] can’t date anyone else.” And Patrick is like, “She can bang other dudes, she just can’t date anyone else.” Like, maybe I’m not progressive, but when a guy is not turned on by your sexts and is saying he doesn’t care if you fuck other guys, I just feel like he’s indicating he’s not that into you? Right? Am I alone in this?
Also LOL at Kristen being like “I don’t get Stassi and Patrick” when two episodes ago she spent like, five minutes gushing about how much she loves Patrick. You thought I would forget, but NOPE. Nothing gets past Sgt. Olivia Betchson.
Ariana wins our hearts by pulling a Spring Fling and breaking the plastic crown and tossing it into the audience. And then there’s a weird bar mitzvah performance by Jesse Montana that I really could have done without.
Stassi’s party takes a turn when everyone starts taking ass shots off of the stripper. For the record, this was not what I expected when I read the headline “Stassi doesn’t do ass shots” in the preview clip—I was picturing something much more tasteful, like nude photos.
Katie proposes Stassi take an ass shot, and something inside Stassi snaps. She starts pulling the “It’s my fucking birthday!” card, and we all know this can only end one of a few ways: a drink getting dumped on somebody’s head, somebody getting punched in the face, and/or the party closing down early.
Kristen and Katie try to reason with Stassi, but she ups and leaves. Katie and Kristen go back to the party, and yeah. I’m with them. I wouldn’t chase after my melodramatic friend either, not when there was alcohol to drink. To Stassi’s credit, she was fucked up on Adderall and tequila, and I know how that goes. Adderall and tequila are tricky bitches. (And also you probably should not mix them. I am not a doctor and am not qualified to give medical advice at this time.)
Anywho, it’s Vanderpump Dog Day, and so far it’s basically just an exercise in dogs being cute. I’m not mad.
Peter shows up and basically recaps Stassi’s meltdown.
Ariana: Treat your friends like royalty, and they’ll think you’re a queen. Treat your friends like a spoiled baby princess, and they’ll think you’re an asshole.
I’m putting that on a cross-stitch.
Stassi then apologizes via text to Kristen and Katie for her temper tantrum. Apparently Katie had to pay the $1,400 bill because Stassi just ran away. Lord Jesus, fix it.
And that’s basically it for this episode.