Hey all you cool cats and kittens, it’s Sara here, with this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap. Before we get started I must confess that I felt regret about possibly not going hard enough at Lala last episode. Many people on the internet pointed out that it was f*cked up of her to have outed James on television, and truthfully, that fact escaped me. I thought this was old news, and Lala was simply being messy. However, outing someone is a whole different ballgame, and one that is never okay.
Who also acted messy last week? Just about everyone. From Katie and Stassi openly kicking Kristen when she was down to Jax acting like a little bitch about having to put on a damn costume. And with that, the episode opens this week at Lisa’s stables. Oh, I forgot that Ariana is a horse girl but seeing this brought back up is giving me some semblance of joy. At least, I think, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that emotion. However, all the interactions that ensue with said horse have immediately killed whatever approximation to happiness I just felt. First off, there’s the fact that the horse responds to French. Is that really necessary? No. It is just a flex for Lisa to show off the fact that she speaks (okay) French. And also, there’s the thing with the horse penises (I swear, I had to check with my Assistant Editor to make sure this really did happen and I didn’t dream it last night). Did Lisa… try to jack off her horse? Hearing her and Ariana talk about their horses’ dicks just sent me. Goodbye to you all, I shall continue writing this recap from beyond the grave.
And on that note, we are back in Weho, or wherever Stassi lives, where Katie comes bearing In-N-Out for Stassi’s massive hangover.
Actual footage of Katie:
They go over the guest list of Katie’s Wine Night party, and it is the entire female work force of SUR, Pump, and TomTom, plus the female population of Weho, minus Kristen. Yes, I see this ending swimmingly for all parties involved.
Raquel confronts James about the rumor that he was drinking at the friend’s birthday party. James swears on his life that he didn’t, which is not really necessary if there is, in fact, video of this party. I sure hope this alleged drinking incident doesn’t become a whole Taylor/Kanye thing. Should we just release the tape?
At SUR, Scheana is in the middle of bragging about her whip from the other night to Raquel (nobody cares) and Raquel is thankfully given relief by Katie calling her to invite her to wine night. Would I rather listen to Scheana flex about her fake sexploits or drink wine with Katie? That’s a real Sophie’s Choice. I guess I’d choose the wine.
Brett has been “doing YouTube content” for four years, which is giving me major flashbacks to how “seriously” Ariana takes sketch comedy. He tries to give his fake elevator pitch for how #premium the content on his Youtube channel is, while the producers play us actual footage from his channel. It is clear the viewers come for one thing, and one thing only: his abs.
Scheana and Brett are having a hilarious moment where they think they totally understand each other and they could not be on more different pages. In the one corner, you have Brett all but telling Scheana he’d never so much as f*ck her blindfolded. In the other corner, you have Scheana saying in not so many words that she’s down to make him husband number two if he so much as bats his eyelashes in a suggestive way. In the third corner, you have me, dying of secondhand embarrassment.
The Toms, and Max for some reason, are discussing ways to prank Jax. Why is this a storyline, even for pretend? The guys agree to TP Jax’s house. Wasting toilet paper?? In this economy?! Should be a felony. Y’all remember the days when you could just like, waste toilet paper? Watching this is physically hurting me.
Predictably, Jax sees what they’ve done to his tree and does not find it funny, probably because he has no sense of humor unless he’s laughing at someone else’s expense. But also because the only person who would actually find this funny would be Greg Pikitis, and Jax is 40, not a student at Pawnee Middle School.
Brett comes over to film his TikTok or whatever, and Scheana manages to shoehorn in the fact that she had sex last night even though nobody, least of all Brett, asked.
Not a single soul:
Certainly not Brett:
Scheana: Yea so I didn’t sleep at home last night because I had sex four times.
Oh, Scheana. So sweet. So well-meaning. But so cringey all the same.
The thing about this f*ckgirl comment is that it made 100% sense. Scheana says she’s been dating f*ckboys, Brett points out that you attract the energy you put out, so does that make Scheana a f*ckgirl? He didn’t even really call her that, he asked if she would consider herself that. Big difference, if you ask me. Scheana completely goes ballistic that Brett would “call” her that (probably because, by extension, it means he wouldn’t take her home to mom), and has to assert for the billionth time that she’s just having fun and not looking for a relationship. Say it with me now:
Over at wine night, Katie is back on her mean girl bullsh*t—actually, that phrase implies that she’s ever gotten off of it—and says Kristen got herself not invited to this party. Like, no, you clearly extended this invitation to the entire female population of the U.S. minus Kristen. This is all you. These girls are brutal, sheesh.
Kristen learns about the wine night through Scheana who spilled the beans about this. Now, if this was seasons 2-5 Kristen, she would just crash the f*ck out of this lame gathering. But given that this is Sad Girl Kristen, and not Crazy Kristen, she’s probably just going to cry about it into her dogs. She really is a shell of what she once was.
Damn I actually feel bad for Kristen that she wasn’t invited to drink wine with her own wine partner. Dark.
Okay, so Dayna arrives at wine night guns a-blazin’, saying that she grew up drinking 40s and vodka out of plastic gallons, as if that makes her unique or alternative and not just…. A person who was once a teenager. You’ve got to be f*cking kidding. I want to like this girl, but she is making it difficult.
It took Tom confessing for Jax to solve the mystery of who TP’d his tree. Damn, these people are not smart. Hopefully Jax never got all the toilet paper out of the tree because it would be really useful right about now.
Okay, so apparently Raquel was flaunting the fact that she told Scheana to shut the f*ck up, and Lala is taking it upon herself to, like, be Scheana’s mercenary. Or, she said it to Lala and Scheana is involved for unknown reasons? I don’t know. Guess that Real Housewife invitation never came in the mail, so this is what it’s coming to.
In true gross Lala fashion, she says “people like Raquel need to learn to stay in their lane so people like me can run sh*t.” This seriously gives a dark glimpse into Lala’s own opinion of herself. It is… shall I say… overblown.
Lala basically tries to publicly shame Raquel for talking sh*t about Logan, and like, the whole group doesn’t need to be involved in this. This is weird. She’s like, the teacher trying to humiliate a student in front of the whole class, but in this case, the student didn’t really do anything. And the teacher is also an asshole. Okay, you’re right, this is a terrible analogy. Whatever. Lala tries to circle Raquel like she’s one of the hyenas in the The Lion King and Raquel is a dead carcass (idk, just the imagery I’m getting with these outfits), but it doesn’t quite work because Raquel isn’t letting herself get bullied. *Chris Traeger voice* I am equal parts shocked, and!, impressed.
Lol at Lala being like “don’t say I didn’t genuinely care about James. I set up sessions in the studio because he thrives in the studio.” Oh you mean, studio sessions to work on your song? Imagine that. “Don’t ever say I didn’t care, I set up something for him that also benefited me! See! I’m such a caring friend!” Get this girl outta here.
Queen Charli points out that maybe Lala still likes James, which is why she’s constantly picking at Raquel. She is a very underrated presence on this season, and I hope the producers soon recognize that.
Lol the fact that Raquel calls Lala a rottweiler and Lala is like “no bitch I’m a pitbull. Get it f*cking right.” This is the dumbest fake hard sh*t ever because like, if you were to ask me I would say pitbulls are adorable and rottweilers are a lot more scary. But sure, Lala. Whatever you want.
I truly loved the clip of Lala saying “don’t project on me what you reflect” and Ariana mouthing “what??” to herself. I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels like they are in the Twilight Zone. I wish Lala would stop watching old Tupac movies and get back down to Earth; she was way more likable back then. And by Earth, I mean Utah. Never forget where you came from!
It’s Jax’s birthday, and basically nobody is dressed up except for Scheana and Jax. I feel that this is good, petty revenge for his temper tantrum at Tom’s birthday.
And the fact that Schwartz gave Jax a foot fleshlight is sending me ONCE AGAIN. Somebody please direct me to the nearest cliff, because I need to fling myself off of it.
Poor Kristen is like “Katie and Stassi are my family, I don’t understand how you can just cut family out. The point of it is that you’re supposed to stick together,” neglecting the fact that people cut their families off all the time. And, see, Kristen, that’s the whole problem when you take a metaphor literally. You get your expectations shattered, and what you’re saying ceases to make any sense.
And I am now writing this recap from the bottom of the cliff off of which I have flung myself, because Randall is at this birthday party, remarking how he and Jax are in the same age group. I am unwell.
Okay, I Googled it, and Randall is, in fact, 49 years old. Come on, sir. Calling you and Jax the same age is stretttttching things.
Everybody goes back to Jax’s to have an after party (I think? All their houses look the same). Also, after-partying is not a good idea because Jax is already slurring and making no sense. The two police officers from the movie Superbad come to the party and handcuff Sandoval to arrest him for vandalism, and I can tell right away that this is obviously a prank since literally nobody is reacting. And also because I’m not an idiot.
After it’s all over, Katie flips out, and like, if every single person on this show were not white I would say her whole “turn on the news” objection to having cops arrest someone as a “prank” would be spot-f*cking-on. Still, I will commend this brief flicker of wokeness, even if it is a little misdirected, simply because it’s the closest thing to social/political awareness we will ever get on this show.
Schwartz, instead of comforting his wife, pretends to gag, says he’s never been more turned off in his life, and yells that that’s why he doesn’t have sex with her. Holy sh*t, literally every single guy is like “dude, stop you’re being disgusting, SHUT UP!” If these personifications of misogyny are telling him he’s being gross, you know it’s bad. Katie might be a mean girl and a miserable person, but she doesn’t deserve to get degraded that way and called a moron in front of all their friends and a national viewing audience. The episode ends there. F*cking SHEESH what is with these episodes lately that are ending all dark and depressing?
Images: Bravo; Giphy