‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Is Stassi Worse Than Lena Dunham?

Jambo, all, and thanks for joining me for my weekly skewering of LA faux-waiters. I hope you’ve all recovered from your Super Bowl hangovers. I have, because I went to bed at 8pm last night, so I write this recap the next morning. I don’t think that has affected my recapping abilities, and if anything has given me greater patience since I am well-rested for the first time since emerging from the womb. Actually, I was born about six weeks premature, so I wasn’t even well-rested then. Wow. I am a new person. I may go on a jog later and drink something green. Anywho, let’s get into this recap.

 

James and Stassi show up to SUR together—a sight I never thought I’d see in this lifetime, so 2018 is already looking up—to discuss some event Stassi is throwing on Lisa’s behalf for Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine. Lisa says to Stassi, “I want all my guests to have a great time,” as if that isn’t the goal of any party ever.

 

Stassi brings up the Logan rumors to James and he’s just like “Oh Jesus Christ do I still need to be talking about this?” I feel like James’ reaction to these rumors is similar to Scheana’s reaction to the Rob rumors, with the only difference being that people are actually talking about Logan supposedly hooking up with James.

 

James says, “I don’t need to prove myself,” words famously spoken by every person who’s ever needed to prove themselves.

 

Tom, Katie, and Sandoval are at some suit shop because the Schwartz triplets are visiting and the gang wants to buy them some more suits. This episode is now titled, “The One Where The Gang Gets A Makeover.” I’m just hoping it goes a little something like this:

Schwartz tells Katie that the triplets are staying with them, and there’s a pause where I thought Katie would blow the fuck up, because I would blow the fuck up. Instead, she purses her lips and finally says, “They’ll like that.”

 

THEY’LL LIKE THAT? You have three grown-ass men staying in your tiny apartment and you’re cool with this? I wouldn’t be cool with it. They’re adults. They can buy an Air Bnb, or Bravo can put them up somewhere (I assume). Whatever Katie is smoking these days, I really need a bag of it. I know you guys are known to sell Adderall in the comments section (seriously, this really has happened), so somebody hook me the fuck up.

 

Billie Lee meets with Stassi about being on her podcast and expresses that she’s a little nervous. Oh boy, this is gonna be good. You may recall that Stassi has previously referred to the #MeToo movement as a male witch hunt, and I listened to that entire episode so don’t even try to fight me on this. It wasn’t even like Stassi posed “Are We Having A Male Witch Hunt” as the title of her podcast in a click-bait-y way; she literally said during the episode, “We’re in a male witch hunt.” She also, during a different episode of her podcast, told POC they need to stop talking about racism during award shows.

 

Billie confronts Stassi about her comments on Black Lives Matter, basically saying that she sounds uncaring (not even the worst criticism one could level at her) and Stassi goes full victim mode.

 

Stassi: Fuck this, saying that I’m racist is a whole other level of vindictiveness.

 

We have reached White Woman Level 3,0000: where being accused of racism is more hurtful than the actual racism real people of color face.

 

Stassi explains that she was annoyed that everyone at the Academy Awards in 2017 made their acceptance speeches about race. She says, basically, “Why aren’t the Asians complaining about being represented? Where are the Native Americans and Latinos? It’s only those people.” Well that’s because those other groups ARE speaking out about their lack of representation, but you’re just not listening. It’s also pretty rich to claim you’re not a racist while referring to black people as “those people.”

 

Stassi starts crying. This is an Advanced Level White Woman Deflection Maneuver. Extremely successful in immediately ending any constructive dialogue and turning the focus back to your feelings, which, as society has repeatedly taught us, may not be hurt at any cost. It may only be employed in limited circumstances and as a last resort, otherwise people may become immune to your tears. White Woman Level: 10,000. Stassi has gained enough strength and can now evolve to the next level: Lena Dunham.

 

At Chez Bubba, the triplets, Sandoval, Jax and Tom are playing What Not To Wear with these thirtysomething-year-old men.

 

Jax is talking about Kristen flying up Brittany’s family. On the one hand, I definitely agree that Kristen’s intentions were to get back at Jax. Or more accurately, to break Brittany and Jax up so that she can get with Jax, but I’ve already explained my theory. On the other hand, he basically is like, “I was really not happy about Brittany’s family surprising her, because I prefer to keep her isolated from the people who care about her and who could talk some sense into her and convince her to break up with me.”

 

Meanwhile at SUR, there was a fire and things are a mess. This isn’t the first time there’s been a fire at one of Lisa’s restaurants. What’s happening over there? Is everything up to code? Did you leave the Crock Pot on again, Jack?

 

The party is a few hours away and Stassi has no staff to work it. Stassi then bursts into tears before Lisa because Billie called Stassi out on her shit. Lisa says she’s never seen racism, homophobia, etc. from Stassi, and it’s like that’s not the point. Nobody is saying Stassi is a Confederate flag-waving member of the Alt-Right, we’re saying she can say ignorant things and won’t acknowledge her own privilege or hear out other people’s views without completely shutting down and going into defense mode. Where is the lie?

 

So Stassi is getting ready for the party, and Jax is supposed to bring the bar kit. Even I know that depending on him for anything, except maybe getting cheated on, is a terrible fucking mistake.

The party has started and Jax isn’t here yet. All of us pretend to be shocked.

 

Brittany shows up, and the explanation for Jax not being here is basically this meme:

 

Aka my excuse for being late to group dinner, not a fucking event I’m scheduled to work.

 

Brittany jumps behind the bar. I love her. FEMALE EMPOWERMENT! See? We don’t need men. Have fun with your sex dolls, we’ll be over here running shit.

 

Jax shows up to the party an hour late, laughing off how late he is. Jax is actually so fucking annoying because, one, he never says “I’m sorry.” He only says “I apologize.” That’s like the classic non-apology apology. Also, anytime anyone tries to call Jax out on his shit, he just pulls his typical, “I know, I’m the worst, I’m terrible” routine. I’m tired of this.

 

Jax is at Sur telling Schwartz and his brothers why he was kicked out at a party.

 

Jax: I was a little late, like a half hour late.

 

Jax. You were an hour late. We have the receipts.

 

Jax: Tell me how I’m different than all of my friends. They’ve all cheated. They’ve all lied. They’ve all slept with each other.

 

Look, just because you’re all terrible collectively doesn’t mean you’re not also terrible as individuals.

The Human Ken Doll shows up at this party and he said to Katie, “What happened? You were much thinner that this… it’s out of control…” and worse shit I couldn’t type fast enough. Okay apparently this guy is Lisa Vanderpump’s designer, but nah. He’s Human Ken Doll.

Tell me I’m wrong.

 

Like, first of all, Katie looks great. Second of all, YOU CANNOT FUCKING SAY THAT SHIT TO PEOPLE! Are you out of your mind, Ken? You literally just cannot go up to people and tell them they need to lose weight. It’s fucked up. It’s also been proven that fat shaming people does not inspire them to lose weight, and in fact, often causes the opposite. Also, it might be easy to be thin when your entire body is made of silicone and rubber, but we’re out here in the real world where our stomachs are made of actual flesh, so cut us all some slack, okay?

 

Katie opens up about how she was in a terrible accident when she fell through a skylight (HOW, SWAY?) and now both Katie and Lisa are crying and my coworkers walking by my desk keep asking me if I’m okay.

 

Stassi, Katie, Brittany, and Kristen are sitting outside at See You Next Tuesday and Katie relays the Kevin Lee convo. Kristen pulls a typical Kristen and gets so over-offended and starts crying over something that did not personally happen to her that it’s theatrical. Why is she like this? Is it extreme empathy or just another form of narcissism?

 

Jax literally says Kristen is trying to “poison Brittany’s mind”—spoken like a true emotional abuser.

 

Brittany stands up for herself and Kristen. Wow, I am so into this. Where the fuck did this girl come from, and where has she been for the past few seasons?

 

After commercial break, we open with some Bravo-sponsored lessons on body positivity. “If a woman is beautiful in her own skin, that’s all that matters,” Katie says with the help of some cue cards off-screen, probably.

 

The triplet makeover goes well and is not worth me recapping. Where would these guys be without a semi-famous brother? That’s what I want to know.

We end the episode with Jax going back to his “Reiki Master” which sounds like a job title you’d find on The Bachelor.

 

So reiki healing is apparently having someone tap on your body parts repeatedly while you repeat a few mantras? Totally equivalent to the other therapist Jax goes to who went through years of schooling and had to get licensed.

 

I’m calling it now, Jax is gonna bone this reiki healer. You could call it crafty editing, but this is Jax. No editing is needed to make him look sleazy. I’ll give it three episodes.

 

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