I’m not going to lie to you guys, I had high hopes for this season of Vanderpump Rules. It’s been kind of boring so far with the exception of the premiere, but I’m hoping tonight that’s going to change. The previews for this week’s episode looked insane, and Bravo would never mis-edit a preview to entice viewers to tune into the next episode, right? Right.
This episode opens at TomTom, where there’s no water, electricity, or sound system. So basically it’s Fyre Festival. They’re not even close to being open, but they’ve already committed to the Daily Mail party. So this party really is going to be Fyre Festival. Can’t wait! I can only hope Ja Rule was invited.
So Ken calls Schwartz out of nowhere, just as Sandoval shows up (crazy coincidence) to be like “hey don’t come to TomTom today.” Sandoval legit looks crushed as if Lisa had just informed him he is going to have to sacrifice his first born child.
Scheana is throwing a housewarming, which brings about Schwartz’s most memorable and accurate quote in 7 seasons:
Schwartz: Marina del Rey? Might as well just move to Jersey.
Brittany, Jax and Lala are driving to Scheana’s housewarming, sh*t talking Billie. I’m kind of impressed at how quickly Billie has managed to fall out of favor with this crew. Jax has cheated on every girlfriend, gotten a stripper pregnant, stolen sunglasses, and he’s still golden. Billie Lee managed to get everyone to hate her with one social media post.
Katie: This is not about her being trans, this is about her being an asshole.
Katie, Scheana, and Kristen are talking about how they won’t go to Scheana’s housewarming party because the traffic is too bad to get to Marina Del Rey. Just say that you don’t like the girl and go.
James and Raquel show up reluctantly to Scheana’s housewarming, and she gives THEM a gift. Hold up, I feel like she missed the purpose of a housewarming.
Scheana: Adam moved me into my apartment, which he did in under 7 minutes.
Side bar: That montage of Sandoval crying is everything. Can I get a copy of this video? Nothing weird, I just want to look at it every time I’m slightly bummed out.
So Sandoval and Jax are throwing a joint birthday party.
Jax: I guess I gotta deal with that Elf on a Shelf for another night.
Not gonna lie, the two worst people on the show, James and Jax, also have the best one-liners.
Lala and James are talking at Scheana’s party and Lala is like “if James sucks my metaphorical dick for an entire season there’s a chance we might become something resembling friends again.” Eye roll.
Brittany is talking to Ariana and Scheana and legit says “I’m not gonna pretend mine and Jax’s relationship is perfect, it’s been sh*t.” I love that the mask is falling and it’s becoming increasingly clear that Brittany is in this marriage for the fame. Sis, you just admitted in plain English that your relationship is sh*t! You don’t have to shackle yourself to this burning train for life. You know that, right?
Ariana: You have such a great view here, it’s so nice to be on the water.
Scheana: Yeah it’s so nice out here, and on a totally related note, Adam and I had sex last night.
Scheana trying to not bring up that she hooked up with Adam to everyone within earshot:
Scheana: I don’t want to be in a relationship with Adam
All of us:
Lala and James are talking about Billie, when Billie comes over. James is like “and for that reason, I’m out.” Billie goes immediately into the Girls Night drama. I have to respect someone who understands that I have places to be and things to do. She’s like, “my whole life I wasn’t included in girls things and it was a huge trigger for me.”
So Lala is like, “Well you called us all transphobic.”
Billie: No I never said the word transphobic
Lala: You also didn’t squash it.
If you ever needed to see what the phrase “talking to a wall” is like IRL, this is it. On both sides.
Ok guys the next few things happened so quickly that I was literally paralyzed so I had to go back and watch it again.
Billie says “I’m coming from a trans experience” and Lala says “you’re dismissed” to that. K, that’s not helping your “I’m not transphobic” image when you refuse to even acknowledge that trans people have a different life experience than cisgender people. Then again this is coming from the woman who doesn’t believe in cis privilege, so I don’t know what I expected.
As Lala leaves the room, Billie FOLLOWS HER OUT yelling “you’re not better than me, Lala! You’re not better than me because you have a rich boyfriend.” I just gasped. This was even better than the previews led us to believe. Lala calls her pathetic.
Lala: The fact that you just took that to my man, you’re a lowdown hoe.
A feminist and woman of the people. Lala Kent, everybody! It’s actually so ridiculous and I’m restraining myself from writing a manifesto on this topic, because you know that if anyone dared called Lala a hoe she’d threaten to “pop” them for calling her a misogynistic term and then go organize her own Slut Walk or some sh*t. But it’s totally okay when she calls people hoes—dirty ones at that!
Also Lala: I understand that as a trans woman, Billie has experiences I will never go through, but you mention my man and you’re dead six feet under bitch
Do you understand, though?? Because you’ve shown zero understanding so far. When, oh WHEN, is the internet going to call Lala out for being hypocritical and gross? Also, I’m going to say this. Why is Lala so weirdly protective of Randall? He’s like, a 40-year-old man. He doesn’t need his
sugar baby girlfriend to fight his battles, I am sure.
Lala: That’s why people don’t f*ck with you, because you showed your asshole.
Ariana: I’d love a Jell-O shot
RT, girl. Me too.
Ariana: Nobody intentionally excluded her. But you can’t say you’re an ally to a trans woman and continue to speak over her every time she tries to explain how she feels.
THANK YOU, ARIANA. You have won this episode of Vanderpump Rules. But why can’t you show a little courage and say this to your sh*tty friends instead of saying it to the camera, alone in a room, way after the fact? Yeah, I know how reality TV works. They film these interviews sometimes months after the actual events in question.
Billie admits to Ariana that her regret was putting the whole fight on social media. A mistake she has clearly learned from, given her current social media activity. PSYCH!
Damn, and we’re only 15 minutes into the episode. Send help. And Xanax.
Scheana goes to her friend Courtney to take some headshots. Her words to her managers were “Lala has been killing it so I need to get back into acting.” Is she a bootleg Kardashian or a bootleg Kent?
Courtney: What happened with you and Adam?
Scheana: We did it….. Again and again and again
Also Scheana: I don’t want to date Adam. I definitely don’t. If he asked me to be his girlfriend right now, I totally would say no.
Producer: So you didn’t have secret feelings for Adam when you were with Rob?
Scheana: See if I say this, I look like the girl who was with Shay and secretly thinking about Rob, and then thinking about Adam while I was with Rob.
Okay, but that’s not a no.
I love how Scheana acts like she totally has no desire to date Adam, when it’s clear that he wouldn’t date her if she were literally the last woman on Earth. It kind of reminds me when people were boycotting Hamilton a few years ago—like, you couldn’t get tickets if your life depended on it, so go ahead and “boycott”. And to further illustrate my point, Scheana asks Adam to hang out and he’s like “we need a break for a night.”
The Toms show up to TomTom. This sh*t has been two years in the making, and I just have to ask… why? How? I’ve seen houses go up faster than this bar.
Ok but it’s done and yes, the decor is really chic. If you want to know how the food and drinks taste, read this article.
Jesus, it’s Sandoval’s 36th birthday?? That’s wild. He shows up to his party dressed like a 1970s pimp from Boca Raton with a pinstripe shirt unbuttoned to his navel and a wide-brimmed sunhat.
Why am I not surprised that Sandoval is so good at taking a blow job shot?
Ariana and Brittany go to Hooters to buy some shot glasses? Brittany, you couldn’t get that sh*t for free?
Brittany: Soon as Jax and I get married we’re going to start a family
Jax at the exact same time: Soon as we get married we’re going to start a family
I wonder if the producers each have ear pieces to communicate with each other like, “she said ‘soon as we get married, we’re going to start a family.’ Go! That’s your cue! Get him to say the exact same thing!’
Meanwhile Brittany is asking Ariana if she would adopt. Oh my god. FOR THE LAST TIME FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE F*CKING BACK! ARIANA DOES NOT WANT KIDS. LEAVE HER THE F*CK ALONE!!! Honestly like, Ariana, next time you get asked this, just give out my number and refer these idiots to me.
Me when people talk about Ariana getting married or having kids:
Lol apparently Ariana not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for Sandoval. So… who’s going to tell him?
Why is Jax speaking truth rn? “You should date for a life partner at this point. Stop wasting time.”
Lol watching Lisa’s reaction to Peter explaining a blow job shot is legit everything. Call John Mulaney because it’s the new “You mean like… when someone drinks too much, snorts cocaine, bets the house on the ponies?”
And if you don’t get that reference you can kindly exit this recap. Thank you for your time!
Whoaaa hearing Jax say “The only reason I’d care if Brittany hooked up with a girl would be so I could use it as leverage” darked me all the way out.
Sandoval brings up the fact that Lala and Ariana had been out drinking and Lala asks Ariana to climb in the backseat of the car so she can eat her out. And Ariana does it. And just like that, everyone’s boyfriend decided that finally it is a good idea to tune into this show.
James starts talking about how Lala does handstands in the bedroom and sh*t (what is the added benefit of that?) and he makes one jab at Jax having hooked up with Lala and Jax is like “see this is why we don’t invite you out anywhere.” This is a classic case of when you are already annoyed with someone, every small thing they do gets on your last nerve.
At SUR, Billie is talking to Lisa for advice. It’s nice that Lisa is like “you should talk to Katie, we don’t want this divide down SUR” as if anybody is on Billie’s side at all. But it’s the thought that counts.
Lala goes over to Brittany and Jax’s place, OTT about how much she loves them both. She’s reaching Kristen “My Brittany” levels of extra.
Jax: So Sandoval told us all that you and Ariana hooked up in the backseat of his car.
Lala denies that she had sex with Ariana and she denies it because she doesn’t want to blow up Ariana’s spot. Honestly, I respect it. That’s loyalty.
Everyone again: …
Jax: So James revealed your entire sexual history to the entire group.
Ok that’s not what happened really, and to hear Jax say “there is not one ounce of change in that kid” is so hypocritical I want to gauge my eyes out. WHAT DRUG ARE YOU ALL ON??? And can I get a hit? I would really love to forget all the embarrassing sh*t I did from years 2005-2010!
Sandoval shows up to SUR and Ariana is giving him DEATH GLARES. Ummm yeah so Ariana is 100% right, as usual, that Sandoval is trash for bragging about Ariana’s private business. Ariana wins this episode. Check out how fierce she looks while probably cursing Sandoval and his ancestors:
Sandoval: But you had a relationship with a girl—
Ariana: *slams table*
YES GIRL! Now take it one step further and dump his ass.
Wow this hookup between Ariana and Lala has legit made it to Stassi and Beau. News travels fast.
Stassi: What’s wrong with me that girls don’t want to go down on me?
IDK, maybe the fact that you make everything about you?
Ariana: When you talk about anyone’s sexuality without their consent it’s really not ok.
Agreed. Quick poll: Is this worse or not as bad as the time Sandoval left Ariana on her birthday to go drive bulldozers? Leave your answers in the comments.
OMG it’s Jax’s 39th birthday. DARK.
Scheana: Everyone is very interested in who I’m sleeping with.
Scheana. Literally one person asked you.
Scheana: Adam is my best friend.
Girl, you’ve known him for a year. Calm all the way down. You said that about Shay, and Rob, and look how those turned out.
K so Ariana has the best outfit. Once again, she is the star of this episode.
Scheana and Katie go to sit down and Billie joins them. Oh no.
Billie bites the bullet and apologizes. And Katie says “You did me dirty.” Okay but why can’t you instead just be like “it’s ok”??
Katie: *while barely looking Billie in the eyes* Listen, there’s a girls night on Tuesday that you’re like invited to or whatever.
Also Katie: Listen I understand that Billie has had a lifetime of being excluded but I literally can’t even deal with it.
Look Katie, I don’t ever wanna hear you say that you’re an LGBTQ ally ever again. I’m setting a reminder in my phone for Pride to side-eye your posts.
Well the episode ends like this: Lala says, “Raquel I’m sorry I called you a twat. You’re welcome.” Yes, that’s also how I apologize to people, by expecting them to thank me for apologizing when I f*cked up in the first place. Once again, a true women’s rights activist!