If you’re one of the two people in the world who doesn’t hate Arie Luyendyk Jr. with a fiery burning passion, I’ve got some exciting news for you. This summer, you can go on vacation with Arie and Lauren, and Maquel will be there too, because why the fuck not. The trip in question is a 6 day, 5 night stay in Bocas Del Toro, Panama, and a spot can be yours for just $1,499. Let’s analyze what this money gets you, and whether it’s worth suffering through for the better part of a week in the company of Arie, the human equivalent of elevator music, and a racist.
The company putting on the trip is called Adventure Hunt, and from their website, it looks like most of their trips are actual treasure hunts. As in, you pay to go on the trip, and then they literally plan Amazing Race style challenges for you. I’m sorry, but if I’m spending my hard-earned money to go somewhere with a beach, I will be parking my ass on the beach. Don’t give me shit to do, that’s not what vacation is for. The Arie and Lauren trip isn’t like this, because I guess getting to hang with Arie is enough of a prize by itself. Ew.
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In the six days in paradise (not that kind), the scheduled activities include a zip-line tour, scuba diving, and cave exploration. They say that in the cave, you can “see hundreds, even thousands of bats,” which, while horrendous, still might be better than a one-on-one date with Arie. Every day of adventure is capped off with a group dinner. I love that. JK. I’m sorry, but I’m not dropping $1,500 so I can go hang out with a bunch of strangers who actually think Arie and Lauren are a fun couple. Fuck this mess of a trip.
While it’s easy to say that having to be in the same room with Arie is the worst part of this vacation, it gets worse. For $1,500, this shit isn’t even close to all-inclusive. You’re responsible for your own flights and transportation, and it doesn’t stop there. Other than the aforementioned group dinners, there’s no food provided, and you also have to pay for all beverages besides water. Like, pardon me? Am I supposed to call an Uber to take me to the local Panama liquor store so I can be sufficiently buzzed before my first time meeting Arie and Lauren? There are also 50 spots open for the trip, meaning that you’ll be stuck on this godforsaken trip with FORTY-NINE OTHER PEOPLE. I’m sorry, you’re telling me I’m paying a cool grand and a half for this shit, and I don’t even get to hang out with Arie and Lauren alone? This sounds like the fucking worst group date ever.
Imagine Scary Island from season three of RHONY, but boring and with Arie there. You do not want to go on this trip. Buuuut if you do, please get Maquel wasted so she’ll tell you trashy stories about Arie and Lauren and her first marriage, and then let us know. Also, Arie, Lauren, and Maquel haven’t even mentioned the trip on their Instagrams, so how do we even know this is legit? I feel like this is one of those “subject to change” things, where Arie will probably sign up for some race car thing the same week and have to pull out last minute. Actually, it might be better if he didn’t come. Meanwhile, someone please plan a trip with Bekah M. and Kendall and all of our favorites, so we can actually have something to look forward to. Oh, and one more time before I go, fuck Arie.
Images: adventurehunt.co / Instagram; Giphy