University of Delaware: Betches Love This College

For this installment of Betches Love This College we are taking a long overdue look at the state that brought us VP Joe Biden, VP Wife Jill Biden, and…uh…Beau Biden? Okay, so while Delaware might not be the betchiest state in the union, UD (short for Usually Drunk) has everything a betch needs to fondly remember her college experience–or not.


Club Morris – Club Morris, aka “The Morris Library,” probably won't be a betch's fav place on campus, but when you're two weeks to the end of the semester and just realized that you haven't attended a single Econ class, Club Morris will become your bestie real quick. Even more clutch is that CM has a little coffee shop on the first floor called Bleeker Street where you can get a salad and an iced coffee, and private study rooms on the third floor where you can throw that salad away and rail a bunch of adderall instead.

The Green – The green is the optimal place for betches to get a tan and get shitfaced while pretending to be drinking water. You can casually scope out the bros who are playing ultimate or football or some other sport you don't really give a shit about as long as they all keep taking their shirts off. You can pretty much lay out on the green for as long as you want, but be prepared to have to move when the whole thing is taken over by a swarm of transient gypsy hipsters who just realized that your perfect tanning spot is also the perfect place for the Sun to catch on their homemade hula hoop. Ugh. Betches are usually seen jumping in and out of the fountain on drunk nights. Also, if you want that quality “I went to a beautiful college” picture, The Green is the spot

Laird Campus – Have you ever felt like you wanted to live in standard-issue university housing but also want to be able to separate yourself from the people who are too poor to live with you? Well look no further than Laird Campus which is basically the Hamptons of Newark, Delaware. There's an astroturf lawn for you to get a tan on without having to share the space with townies and other people who have dreadlocks, as well as its own dining hall and mini-mart called the POD so you literally never have to interact with anyone outside of Laird for any reason (unless you're like…going to class.) The dorms at Laird are so much nicer and newer than the rest of campus it is a legit joke so if for some reason you're stuck living on campus instead of living in a F*R*I*E*N*D*S-esque apartment complex with all of your besties (a super popular option at UD), then sign up to live in the Christiana Towers and take some time every day to stand by your window and look down upon the sad povos who actually live in Rodney.

Main Street – So Main Street isn't technically apart of UD's campus, but considering how small Newark is, students pretty much use the entire town as their campus/personal playground/vomitorium, which I'm pretty sure is super appreciated by the people who actually do live there. Main Street is like…the main street in Newark and will be where you do most of your barring, shopping, eating, and buying of drugs. You and your besties can also decide to double-down and just live on Main Street, and then proceed to do the betchiest thing you can possibly do which is to order Seamless from a restaurant that is actually across the street from you.


Kildares, Kates, Grottos, Catharine Rooney's, Deer Park, Santa Fe – Have you ever wondered how one bar could actually be five different bars? Well it can totally happen and is happening in Newark with Kildares, Kates, Grottos, Catharine Rooney's, Deer Park, and Santa Fe, which are all just the same bar in different locations and with slightly different decor. Grottos is the busiest and where you want to go if you're trying to get so drunk that you think behind a trashcan is an appropriate place to have sex with a bro that you probably just met (more on that later). Kildares, Kates, and Catharine Rooneys are literally the exact same bars in different places on Main Street so that no matter where you live there is an Irish bar with a cover band playing within steps of you apartment. Deer Park is like, old and historic or something like that and they give you free unsalted popcorn, and Santa Fe is like, Mexican or something. Make sure if a bro is buying you drinks you go with AC Slaters at Grottos, Creepy Blues at Tims (if you're looking to hardcore black out), Shotskis at Deer Park, Singing Karaoke at Kildares, and Earth Hurricane Margaritas at Santa Fe.

The main takeaway from this is that it is extremely, ridiculously, insanely easy to get drunk in Newark, Delaware.

Homegrown – Homegrown is a half restaurant/half bar named after weed and its a haven for hipsters and weird maybe homeless people who might actually live on the train. Homegrown's existence keeps these gross hipsters from spilling over into the betchier bars where you might have to interact with them or accidentally touch one of their dreadlocks. Everyone is grateful for Homegrown because even though their porch means that you might make eye contact with one of these local terrors, at least the scent of incense is confined to the corner of E. Main and Center.


OCMP – The Off Campus Meal Plan is a card your parents can buy once you move off campus so that they can ensure you're spending some money on food and not just blowing it all on alcohol and MDMA (which is, btw, super easy to get at UD). Your OCMP card is basically UD's black Amex because it shows the entire world, “my parents are giving me money, and yes I can pay for everyone's dinner.” If you're a really sneaky betch you'll know that you can actually use you OCMP to buy gift cards which you'll use to buy alcohol.

NDB – Newark Deli and Bagel is the best breakfast spot in Newark (maybe the entire state of Delaware? Idk. That state is small AF) and also the best place for you to go if you want to compare your hangover with the hangovers of your peers. Best egg sandwiches, nbd. 

SKID ROW – Skid Row is a series of extremely shitty row houses that are not just called Skid Row by smartass students, but are actually called Skid Row by the management of the building because I guess they want you to know upfront that they do not give a single shit about your living conditions. Betches don't live on Skid Row and generally don't party on Skid Row unless they're doing some sort of project on poverty or they really want to see two townies fight each other.


The Greeks

Greek life is pretty huge at UD which is great because there is a sorority for every different type of betch. 

Sororities: The sorority scene is made up of betches from South Jersey, North Jersey, Central Jersey, and also other parts of New Jersey. There are multi-cultural sororities for betches who are into that sort of thing and service based sororities that don't have rush if you're ugly. Alpha Phi, Sigma Kappa, AZD, and Chi-O are a solid top four that range from JABs to out-going, down to drink 24/7 betches. ASA and GPhiB are on the rise. DG and Theta made quota this year! Honestly, every sorority is going to have mean people and nice people and pretty people and butterfaces. Like Forest Gump said, UD sororities are like a box of chocolates. 

Fraternities: In the fall, Frats pretty much run the house party scene which means that they're full of freshmen but it's usually okay cuz they have someone at the door turning away groups of dudes and uggos. As far as dating within the Greek world, KA is the oldest and douchiest frat so it's probs the best place for you to find your future ex- husband. SAE is the skater frat and I only mention it here to tell you that they hang out on the grassy knoll and no respectable girl actually dates them.

The Townies – UD has a pretty visible townie population made up of weird almost 30 something's who may or may not have ever attended the University. They may show up at your parties and break something in the name of Punk Rock but for the most part, townies, like bears, want as much to do with you as you want to do with them. Though there is a high chance that at some point a dude with a face tattoo might ask you to sign a petition to stop some power plant and blah blah blah do you even go here?

The Hipsters – I've honestly written enough about hipsters in this post to last a lifetime but just know that they are there, there are lots of them, and they're going to be extremely vocal in your Medieval Lit Class.


Still not convinced that UD is the betchiest school around? To bring this whole thing home, here are the past three news stories that have featured the illustrious University of Delaware.

The Riot – Earlier this year a party bus filming a documentary that is appropriately called “I'm Shmacked” arrived at UD's campus. UD students took this honor extremely seriously, because about an hour after the bus's arrival 3,000 students had taken to the streets and started jumping on cars, scaling the roofs of buildings, and generally not turning down for fucking anything. Eventually Newark PD had to send out 75 police officers in riot gear to try and stop the party, at which point students started chanting, “it's a dream come true. Go UD!” Which is honestly too fucking ridiculous to be talked about any further. The freshmen ruined the rest of the year for the seniors because of this…

Techno Bus – Students at UD are currently petitioning to have Nadar Azawah, more commonly known as the “Techno Bus Driver” to get un-fired from his job after someone in UD's administration looked at all the shit the University was spending money on and thought, “Holy shit we have a techno bus. That is fucking insane.

And for those of you who are unclear, the Techno bus is a regular UD bus that will take you from place to place on campus but also has a strobe light and plays house music. This is the kind of shit that goes on in Delaware.

Public Fucking – UD's ultimate claim to fame came this St. Patrick's Day when two extremely classy patrons at Grottos decided that they were done drinking beer and eating pizza and that they needed to fuck each other as quickly as possible. Instead of going into a bathroom or like…either of their houses, the two decided that the best thing that they could possibly do would be to go stand next to a dumpster in broad daylight and get down to business. The story made national news because, you know, a lot of people saw them and took pictures of them and videos of them, but to UD's credit the “couple” (I use the term couple loosely here) is still at large because at UD your fellow students will def post pictures of you fucking on the internet, but they'll never rat you out to the cops. While it turns out those two people were actually from Penn State, this incident made a great dynamic duo outfit for a mixer. Betches are creative like that. 


The Goat Statue – In the tradition of things that UD spends money on that don't make any sense, there is a weird hidden statue of a bunch of goats not too far from Club Morris that makes sense to no one and is generally very bizarre. At some point you'll get drunk and take a picture with the goats, then you'll wake up and forget exactly where to find them again.

The Train – There is a stupid bullshit train that runs through UD's campus being loud AF and making you late to class. The train also kills people and is the state's number one source of white homeless people with dogs.

Kirkbride Jesus – As soon as the weather gets nice the students of UD are graced by the presence of a man affectionately called “Kirkbride Jesus” who spends his springtime standing outside of Kirkbride and telling students they're going to hell. Sometimes athirst student groups counter protest. The jury is still out on who is more annoying.

Wilmington – Not far from Newark is a town called Wilmington, Delaware which is known for its heroine use and for being the place they're trying to blow up in Fight Club. You might meet someone who tells you to come with them to Wilmington because there is a party or show or some other shit there. Do not listen to that person. That person is trying to have you killed. That being said, Trolley Square has an awesome bar scene!


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